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New study explores how to navigate 'desire discrepancies' in long term relationships
With the most common form of female sexual dysfunction impacting 1 in 10 women, this important study dives into how to keep a relationship going despite having different needs and wants in the bedroom.
03 July, 2020
NDAB Creativity / Shutterstock
- A new study highlights the difficulties faced by women who struggle with decreased sexual desire, and explains how to navigate desire discrepancies in long-term relationships.
- Hypoactive sexual desire disorder is one of the most common forms of female sexual dysfunction, impacting an estimated 1 in 10 women.
- Finding other ways to promote intimacy in your relationship is one of the keys to ensuring happiness on both sides.
<p>The loss of sexual desire is something that can impact anyone, no matter their gender or sexual orientation, but for the sake of this particular study, researchers focused on the female libido. </p><p><a href="http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/hypoactive-sexual-desire-disorder/" target="_blank">Hypoactive sexual desire disorder</a> is defined as an absence of sexual fantasies and/or the lack of receptivity to sexual activity that (that causes personal distress or difficulties in her relationships). This is the most common form of female sexual dysfunction and it can impact women of all ages.</p><ul class="ee-ul"></ul>
<p class=""><br></p>
The study
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzQzMzcxOS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzMzA2NTgxM30.Au-HmSRnSeN86ZGU7qeZJzq50LPM0LxjvUUU6_y2XVs/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C52%2C0%2C52&height=700" id="2bb9b" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="2af6156aff63fba2146746ae150f490e" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="sad woman sitting on the floor at the foot of a bed" />An estimated one in ten women experience female sexual dysfunction.
Photo by fizkes on Shutterstock
<p><a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2020.1743225?scroll=top&needAccess=true" target="_blank">This 2020 study published in the Journal of Sex Research</a>, led by Dr. Avigail Moor and her colleagues Yael Haimov and Shaked Shreiber, focused on 15 women between the ages of 25-59, all of whom were in committed, heterosexual, long-term relationships (with a median relationship length of 3.5 years) to better understand decreases in female sexual desire. Approximately half the women in this sample had children.<br></p><p><strong>During this study, the women were asked various questions about:</strong></p><ol> <li>The quality of their relationship</li><li>How their relationship has been impacted by their decreased sexual desire </li><li>What they believe could have caused a decrease in their sexual desire over the course of their relationship</li><li>What impact they felt this had on themselves and their relationship </li><li>How they dealt with the decreased sexual desire themselves</li><li>How the couple dealt with and/or navigated the decrease in sexual desire together</li></ol><p><strong>There are a number of reasons why women, in particular, could be going through a libido decline, including:</strong></p><p><strong><br></strong></p><ul><li>Job stress</li><li>Family stress</li><li>Self-confidence struggles</li><li>Declining hormones or hormone imbalances</li><li>Relationship issues</li><li>Health conditions </li></ul><div></div>Navigating low sexual desire and desire discrepancies in your relationship
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzQzMzcyMS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0MTYzNjE5N30.oec9wuuxd9MEVkqmappsngN2nVmMxF3sIi9AlL9Q5SE/img.jpg?width=980" id="e246b" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="ebf8cdebd54a0b26ee181320e756bff4" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="couple hugging in a bedroom" />Even if you are struggling with differing sexual desires in your relationship, there are still countless ways you can show affection to your partner.
Photo by fizkes on Shutterstock
<p>Assistant professor at Harvard Medical School <a href="https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/loss-of-sexual-desire-in-women#1" target="_blank">Jan Shifren</a>, MD, explains in an interview: "One of the first things I do speaking to women who come in with sexual concerns is let them know that there is no normal frequency or set of behaviors and things change with times. If it's working for them and/or their partner, there is no problem."</p><p>Shifren goes on to explain that when the decreases in sexual interest begin having a negative impact on her life and cause distress in the relationship, this is when it's considered a problem of low sexual desire. </p><p>If it is believed to be a problem, there are a few things this study, in particular, has highlighted. </p><p><strong>Love doesn't equal desire, and a lack of desire doesn't equal disaster. </strong></p><p>Participants of this study explained that their sexual desire (or lack thereof) never made them doubt their relationship or the feelings they had for their partner. They saw the sexual desire and love for their partner as two very separate things. </p><p>Over half the participants said they didn't believe their <a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/low-sex-drive-in-women/symptoms-causes/syc-20374554#:~:text=Women's%20sexual%20desires%20naturally%20fluctuate,low%20sex%20drive%20in%20women." target="_blank">decreased sexual desire</a> had a negative impact on their relationship, explaining that they have more intimate, deeper connections with their partner that went beyond sex. Many women who felt this way cited the fact that they were navigating life's ups and downs, things like parenthood and job stress, with their partner, which made them feel closer to their partners even if the sexual desire wasn't there. </p><p><strong>This is an extremely isolating problem even if it impacts the whole relationship. </strong></p><p>In order to make sense of the rapid changes in their desires or the complete lack of sexual drive, many women in the study claimed they looked inwards, often blaming themselves. Instead of thinking that this is a common thing many individuals (and many other women) struggle with, many of these participants felt guilty about their low libidos, thinking it must be their problem. </p><p><strong>Among these women, feelings of guilt and self-blame were frequent over the course of their interviews. </strong></p><p>Even in situations where there was very minimal negative impact on the relationship, desire discrepancies still caused some tension. </p><p>While over half the women involved stated they did not feel desire discrepancies in their relationship negatively impacted their relationship, many women still did describe feeling some sort of "pressure" to have sex more often. </p><p>Despite having relationships that were described as loving and healthy, some of the women in the study indicated that they have, in the past, still experienced conflict with their partner over how long it had been since they had sex. Some women also stated they were worried that their partner took their low libido personally. </p><p><strong>How can you navigate desire discrepancies in long-term relationships?</strong></p><p>This is one of the first studies to focus so specifically on female sexual dysfunction in long-term relationships, so there is still a lot of research to be done. What we have learned from this study, however, can help us better understand how to navigate these difficult challenges of intimate relationships. </p><p>Strategies that can be used to address the problems in the relationship that are caused by having a low sex drive can be things like: </p><ul><li>Creating an honest line of communication. Participating in conversations that allow each person to be open and honest about how they feel can promote intimacy and bonding as well as a deeper understanding of what the other person is going through. </li><li>Compromising. This doesn't mean simply having sex when you don't feel like it, but it can be other things that promote intimacy such as a date night or incorporating other forms of physical affection into your relationship. </li><li>Treating this like any other relationship problem. Relationships take work, and just as you navigate difficulties due to chores, finances, and responsibilities, you can navigate the struggles of low sexual desire by creating an environment of understanding and having a desire to make things work. </li></ul>
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Dinosaur bone? Meteorite? These men's wedding bands are a real break from boredom.
Manly Bands wanted to improve on mens' wedding bands. Mission accomplished.
02 July, 2020
- Manly Bands was founded in 2016 to provide better options and customer service in men's wedding bands.
- Unique materials include antler, dinosaur bones, meteorite, tungsten, and whiskey barrels.
- The company donates a portion of profits to charity every month.
<p>Johnathan Ruggiero needed a wedding band. As a bigger guy he had trouble finding one to fit his size 17 finger. Then he ran into another issue: His wedding was in a few weeks. He never realized you should take care of this a few months out. The cheapest ring he could find was $600. Even then, given his finger size, it would take four weeks. He also wasn't excited about the choices. His wife to be, Michelle, had a much better experience.</p><p>As Ruggiero puts it, "I did not expect it to be so difficult and so stressful."</p><p>Fast forward a few months. The newlyweds, temporarily relocated to Florida from Los Angeles, were figuring out the next phase of their careers. Johnathan had experience in web design and marketing, while Michelle's creative endeavors include writing and design. "This is our first real test as a married couple," Johnathan thought. "What are we going to do with the rest of our life and how are we going to financially survive this?"</p><p>Then they remembered the ring buying experience. Poor selection. Terrible customer service. Inflated prices. They knew they could do better. </p><p><a href="https://shareasale.com/r.cfm?b=1473923&u=2216766&m=93947&urllink=&afftrack=" target="_blank">Manly Bands</a> was born. </p>
<span style="display:block;position:relative;padding-top:56.25%;" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="b6f0ebd386e38312366f7c182264aea6"><iframe type="lazy-iframe" data-runner-src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/dqbYBq7DpjM?rel=0" width="100%" height="auto" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" style="position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;"></iframe></span><p>The Ruggerios set out to improve on all of Johnathan's bad experiences in the jewelry store. Michelle set to work designing rings and writing website copy; Johnathan spun up a website and applied his marketing chops. The goal was to create rings men are excited about without breaking their bank account. Nearly four years later and they've built a successful brand. </p><p>With a career in acting and music, Michelle was accustomed to branding. While the couple decided to take a "silly and fun" approach to their rings, materials in the bands were equally important. This is where Michelle got to implement her creativity. </p><p>The first material on their website to jump out at you is dinosaur bone—yes, as in those dinosaurs. </p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"One of our manufacturers started working with dinosaur bones," Michelle says. "They take smaller pieces of bone that museums can't use and grind them down to make a mosaic. They can put it in an inlay in three different colors."</p><p>Depending on where the dinosaur died, the resulting bone might be tan, reddish-brown, or jet black. Manly's ring, <a href="https://shareasale.com/r.cfm?b=1473923&u=2216766&m=93947&urllink=&afftrack=" target="_blank">the Triceratops</a>, features all three. </p><p>After canvasing deep inside of the earth, they looked toward the heavens. Enter meteorite. </p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"They shave that in sheets and are able to put it in as an inlay. It's pure iron, which means it's heavy and feels significant. Also, every piece is different, so you're never going to get the same exact design. You truly have a unique band."</p><p>This causes Johnathan to jump in with his "dad joke."</p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"The best part is when you mix meteorite and dinosaurs, you have a cursed ring because there's a little animosity between the two."</p>
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzM2NTA1NS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0Njc5NjMzM30.zum6INbYuUMbqE1JNIf8zcTVRH-g2gdrA3yaLGRO3ls/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C56%2C0%2C38&height=700" id="7af9d" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="ca47fb749fc959b272623f9f16cb9a7b" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" /><p>Whether antler, Cerakote, or tungsten, or more traditional fare like gold or Damascus steel, Manly Bands has greatly expanded the selection of men's rings. There's even a Whiskey Barrel collection. </p><p>By ordering in volume the prices stay low. Not having a storefront helps. In the tradition of Framebridge and Interior Define, Manly Bands is an internet-only enterprise, which is why customer service is their number-one concern. </p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"We're really just our shipping and warehouse operation, our designers, some manufacturers, and the marketing and customer service team," Johnathan says. "It's a different corporate set up in the sense that we can take those savings and pass it along to the customers."</p><p>In Manly Bands, Johnathan also found a calling. Growing up he always wanted to save the world. Though he realized that ambition is a bit grandiose, every month Manly Bands donates part of its proceeds to charitable causes. Just last week, they dropped off 10,000 face masks to first responders and hospital staff in Utah, the state the company now calls home. </p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Every month we try to do something different to spread the goodness around," Johnathan says. "In the last few months, we've tried to focus on organizations and groups helping with the COVID pandemic. We take it very seriously. We feel that if we're fortunate enough to live in a country where we can earn money because our culture allows us to have an amazing business, we should give back."</p>
<p><em>If</em><em> you buy something through a link in this article, we may earn a small commission. This helps support our team's work. Please also consider subscribing to <a href="https://www.bigthinkedge.com/" target="_blank">Big Think Edge</a> and check out our <a href="https://teespring.com/stores/big-think" target="_blank">merch</a>.<em><br></em></em></p>
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Do same-sex couples resolve conflicts in a healthier way?
A 12-year long study examines the differences between how same-sex and different-sex couples argue, with some surprising results.
04 June, 2020
Photo by Irma eyewink on Shutterstock
- A 12-year long study by the Gottman Institute examines the differences between how same-sex couples and different-sex couples resolve conflicts.
- Overall, the relationship satisfaction and quality were about the same across all couple types (gay, straight, lesbian). However, the study did find some differences in how same-sex and different-sex couples argue, including using humor to diffuse tense situations, not taking things so personally during an argument, and offering encouragement rather than criticism.
- No matter the relationship, there are key points to be taken away from this research in how we can all strive for healthier conflict resolution in romantic relationships.
<p>"Gay and lesbian couples, like straight couples, deal with the everyday ups-and-downs of close relationships," Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute <a href="https://www.gottman.com/about/research/same-sex-couples/" target="_blank">explains in his research</a>. Gottman and his team of researchers <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/14567654/" target="_blank">conducted a 12-year long study</a> that uncovered some of the differences in how same-sex couples and different-sex couples disagree, argue, and resolve conflicts. </p><p>Overall, the relationship satisfaction and quality were about the same across all couple types (gay, straight, lesbian). However, the study did find some differences in how same-sex and different-sex couples argue. </p><p>"Gay and lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict," Gottman explains, "Compared to straight couples, gay and lesbian couples use more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement. They are also likely to remain more positive after a disagreement." </p><p>To better understand how same-sex couples are having healthier arguments that lead to conflicts being resolved more constructively, we look at some of Gottman's findings and spoke with a therapist on the topic.</p><ul class="ee-ul"></ul><ul class="ee-ul"></ul><ul class="ee-ul"></ul>
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzM3MTAwNi9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0MTAyOTE4MH0.CRNUTVPEk5-IYEg-n5gY_rnF8WL4ENQK_Z4qc1uqLQ4/img.jpg?width=980" id="5a4c7" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="d933d6369dc76920e458130653bc7270" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="man and woman fighting conflict resolution in heterosexual marriages" />
Heterosexual couples show higher levels of physiological distress during arguments than same-sex couples, impacting their ability to stay calm.
Photo by B-D-S Piotr Marcinski on Shutterstock
<p><strong>Same-sex couples use fewer controlling and hostile tactics during disagreements.</strong></p><p>Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues discovered that, during a disagreement, same-sex couples are less likely to display belligerence or domineering attitudes than heterosexual couples. </p><p>"The difference in these 'control' related emotions suggests fairness and power-sharing between the partners is more important and more common in gay and lesbian relationships than in straight ones," Gottman explains. </p><p><strong>Things don't get as personal in same-sex disagreements. </strong></p><p>"In a fight," Gottman says, "gay and lesbian couples take it less personally. In straight couples, it is easier to hurt a partner with a negative comment than to make one's partner feel good with a positive comment. This appears to be reversed in gay and lesbian couples." </p><p>This trend suggests that same-sex couples are able to disagree without taking things personally, whereas straight couples are more likely to be offended when their partner comes to them with a conflict.</p><p><strong>Same-sex couples show low levels of physiological arousal, different-sex couples show higher levels during conflict. </strong></p><p>According to Gottman's observations, unhappy gay and lesbian couples were less likely to show visible signs of aggravation such as elevated heart rate, sweaty palms, and jitteriness. Different-sex couples, on the other hand, had elevated physiological symptoms that signify they may have trouble calming down in order to resolve the conflict constructively. </p><p><strong>Same-sex couples are more likely to try to offer encouragement rather than criticism or lecturing when it comes to lifestyle choices.</strong></p><p>Your partner can have a very positive or very negative impact on your lifestyle. Gottman's study isn't the only research available that examines the differences in same-sex and different-sex marriages. </p><p><a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30052080/" target="_blank">A later (2018) study</a> suggests that same-sex couples are much more likely to try to influence each other's lifestyle habits (good or bad) with praise or encouragement. The opposite can be said for different-sex couples who tend to lecture or criticize to prove their point. </p>Simple ways every couple can strive towards healthier conflict resolution skills
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzM3MTAwNy9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYxNjM3MjA1MX0.OaArbSg4ARcW43Qym-S9g8uEBNIr_WOgT87Fe7gQ7i8/img.jpg?width=980" id="b4e0a" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="94dc27cb278e8eb5fe17baadb0613c23" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="two men consoling each other after an argument concept of same-sex conflict resolution" />There are simple ways you and your partner can strive for healthier conflict resolutions in your relationship.
Photo by ArtOfPhotos on Shutterstock
<p>While these differences in same-sex and different-sex marriages are important and interesting to observe, there are a few universal goals that should be placed on any couple trying to better themselves by striving for healthier conflict resolutions. </p><p><strong>Recognize your differences and take space from the other person when you need to.</strong></p><p>Each person brings their own experiences, opinions, values, and beliefs to the relationship. Acknowledging that you are two different people who are bound to disagree on things is a healthy part of any relationship. </p><p>Accepting and even appreciating those differences for what they can bring to your relationship should be something every couple - gay or straight - should keep in mind, especially during conflicts.</p><p>Julie S. Gottman, Ph.D. explains: "If you find that your heart is pounding during an argument, take a break. If you need to leave, you should explain when you're going to come back and rejoin the conversation. During the time when you're apart, don't think about the fight. Instead, practice something that is self-soothing (like reading a book) so that your body can calm down."</p><p><strong>Positivity and laughter might be more important than ever during disagreements.</strong></p><p>While it may feel strange to crack a joke during an argument, this 2003 study suggests that one of the reasons same-sex arguments may be healthier is because there is an air of humor and positivity to them. It's important to end a disagreement on a positive note, and same-sex couples do this far more often than different-sex couples, according to Dr. Gottman's research. </p><p><strong>Equality, understanding, and respect should be paramount in any relationship.</strong></p><p>Perhaps one of the reasons same-sex couples are able to resolve conflicts in a healthier way is because they aren't tied to traditional societal roles or the ideas of how they are "supposed" to relate to each other. This kind of freedom allows the couple to create their own dynamic. When possible, try to understand or sympathize with the other person's point of view. If you have two very different opinions on something, attempt to communicate your side respectfully and, perhaps more important, really listen to and acknowledge their feelings.</p><p>Respect and understanding are two crucial ingredients to a healthy relationship and these are things every couple should strive for.<br></p>
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How swipe-based dating apps are impacting your mental health
Online dating has evolved, but at what cost?
26 May, 2020
Photo by Tero Vesalainen on Shutterstock
- Some dating apps allow individuals to interact and form romantic/sexual connections before meeting face to face with the ability to "swipe" on the screen to either accept or reject another user's profile. Popular swipe-based apps include Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid.
- Research by Western Sydney University and the University of Sydney has linked the experience of swipe-based dating apps to higher rates of psychological distress and/or depression.
- Not all time spent on these apps is damaging, however. Up to 40 percent of current users say they previously entered a serious relationship with someone they met through one of these apps.
<p>The last decade has seen a rapid rise in online dating, and with it, a whole new way of having fun and finding the one. Tracking the "<a href="https://www.stylight.com/Magazine/Lifestyle/Love-First-Swipe-Evolution-Online-Dating/" target="_blank">evolution of online dating</a>," we learn that it actually started back in 1995 with the launch of Match.com. </p><p>Since then, swipe-based dating apps have taken over the online dating scene. These apps are a platform for individuals to interact and form romantic/sexual connections before meeting face to face with potential partners. What sets them apart from other online dating apps is the feature of "swiping" on the screen to either accept or reject another user's profile. Some of the most common apps that use this method are Tinder, Bumble, Happn, and OkCupid.</p><ul class="ee-ul"></ul>
How swipe-based dating apps negatively impact your mental health
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzMxNjM1OS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYyMTIyMDIxOX0.hQtubGPxmKgUwtRgys2DzeuRjyfcQ9_0HlOV7lEYddI/img.jpg?width=980" id="7cbde" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="9c5df8a4a0d15ad4c0efc42db61917b5" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="sad woman in bed looking at smartphone concept of mental health and dating apps swipe-based dating apps" />Many people who use swipe-based dating apps report feeling psychological distress and depressive symptoms.
Image by Odua Images on Shutterstock
<p>Research by Western Sydney University and the University of Sydney has linked the experience of swipe-based dating apps to higher rates of psychological distress and/or depression.</p><p>An online survey (published in <a href="https://bmcpsychology.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40359-020-0373-1" target="_blank">BMC Psychology</a>) of over 430 individuals compared the impact of dating habits on the mental health of people who use swipe-based dating apps and those who don't. </p><p>The measures used during this evaluation were the <a href="https://www.tac.vic.gov.au/files-to-move/media/upload/k10_english.pdf" target="_blank">Kessler Psychological Distress Scale</a>, the <a href="https://www.hiv.uw.edu/page/mental-health-screening/gad-2" target="_blank">Generalised Anxiety Disorder-2 scale</a>, the <a href="https://www.hiv.uw.edu/page/mental-health-screening/phq-2" target="_blank">Patient Health Questionnaire-2</a>, and the <a href="https://fetzer.org/sites/default/files/images/stories/pdf/selfmeasures/Self_Measures_for_Self-Esteem_ROSENBERG_SELF-ESTEEM.pdf" target="_blank">Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale.</a> An analysis of variance (a tool used in statistics that splits the data into two parts: systematic factors and random factors) was then used to consider all four mental health scores together. </p><p><strong>High psychological distress levels among swipe-based dating app users.</strong></p><p>20 percent of participants who use swipe-based dating apps reported a significantly higher level of psychological distress compared to those who didn't use these apps. </p><p>Sabrina Pit, one of the researchers on the project, explains: "We found an increased frequency of use and longer duration of time using the apps were both associated with greater psychological distress and depression." </p><p><strong>Current swipe-based dating app users show more depressive symptoms than non-users. </strong></p><p>19 percent of current users reported more depressive symptoms as a result of swipe-based dating app use, compared to 9 percent of the people surveyed who did not use a dating app. </p><p>"People who are currently using dating apps for a year or more were 3.5 times more likely to be distressed and 4 times more likely to report probable depression," Pit explains in an interview with <a href="https://www.globaldatinginsights.com/uncategorised/swipe-based-dating-apps-can-negatively-affect-mental-health-research-finds/" target="_blank">Global Dating Insights</a>. </p><p><strong>People are spending more and more time on dating apps. </strong></p><p><a href="https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/dating-apps-millenials-10-hours-per-week-tinder-bumble-romance-love-a8174006.html" target="_blank">A study of 5,000 people</a> between the ages of 18-30 years old shows that people are spending an average of 10 hours per week on dating apps alone. Men were logging on to check their status on dating apps 9 times a day, with women logging on 10 times per day to check their potential matches. How much time are they spending on these apps? Well, men were found to be spending 85 minutes per day on these apps, with women spending 79 minutes each day. </p><p>This amount of time spent on dating apps could boost the negative impacts we have seen through the study listed above.</p>Are there benefits to using swipe-based dating apps?
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzMxNjM2MS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTU5OTY0MjE4N30.oMyNFdBj2GcEAFB2f3EE5c1naT71Q8L-eYAJcsezuB8/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C874%2C0%2C875&height=700" id="a00f2" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="12bb0ad1095271a1dc83f2a157d52c4a" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="concept of online dating swipe-based dating apps mental health" />It's not all bad - 40% of current swipe-based dating app users report a positive mental health impact from using these apps.
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<p>While the study proved that there are significant negative mental health risks that follow using swipe-based dating apps for longer periods of time, not all time spent on these apps is damaging.</p><p>"The findings highlight that dating apps with swiping functions have a complex impact on the psychological well-being of users," Pit explains. Although the findings of this study are worrisome, there are some benefits that were also highlighted in the results. </p><p><strong>Connections and serious relationships are being formed. </strong></p><p>Up to 40 percent of current swipe-based dating app users said they had previously entered a serious relationship with someone they met through one of these apps. 77 percent of people who reported using these apps also said they had met people face-to-face, with 26 percent of these people saying they had met more than 5 people through the apps.</p><p><strong>This connection with others leads to a positive impact on self-esteem. </strong></p><p>Meeting people, dating, and finding serious relationships through swipe-based dating apps has proven to have a positive impact on mental health as well, with up to 40 percent of individuals using these apps claiming it's had a positive impact on their self-esteem. </p><p><strong>Dating apps connect us with people we'd never meet otherwise. </strong></p><p>Back in 1995 when Match.com launched, there was <a href="https://www.ajc.com/lifestyles/dating/this-how-online-dating-changing-who-marry-unexpected-ways/cTWkpOjH1rGnJJNHm1irhN/" target="_blank">a spike in interracial marriages</a>. In today's society, these swipe-based dating apps allow you to browse based on where you are. If you move to a new city, your dating pool changes. The benefits of being able to connect with people we otherwise wouldn't meet is one of the best things dating apps have given us. </p><p><strong>Did you know that 70 percent of same-sex relationships start through dating apps? </strong></p><p>With the launch of Grindr in 2009, there was what can only be described as a <a href="https://www.stylight.com/Magazine/Lifestyle/Love-First-Swipe-Evolution-Online-Dating/" target="_blank">sexual revolution</a> within the LGBTQ+ community. Finding a partner became easier, safer, and more common. Not only was Grindr the first dating app that focused on the LGBTQ+ community, but it was also one of the first to use geolocation technology. </p><p>It's safe to say that digital dating isn't leaving us anytime soon, and neither is the use of swipe-based dating. There are negative and positive impacts of swipe-based dating apps on our mental health, but the questions is how can we increase the positive and decrease the negative? </p><p>The study by these two Australian universities isn't the first to question the mental health impact of dating apps. Back in 2017, <a href="https://www.globaldatinginsights.com/news/new-study-shows-tinder-affects-users-mental-health-self-esteem/" target="_blank">an unrelated study</a> linked the use of Tinder with negative self-esteem and body shame. </p><p>One of the researchers on the Australian-based study explains: "We are calling for app developers to take a more active role in the promotion of positive mental health messages, particularly on swipe-based dating applications." </p>
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How to navigate sexual rejection as a couple
Couples that handle sexual rejection well can improve their relationship, but persistent or hostile patterns of rejection are never healthy.
17 April, 2020
- Sexual rejection will be a part of any committed relationship.
- Studies show that how the rejecting partner turns down an advance can alter how the initiating partner views the relationship.
- Desire can lessen over time, but there are ways to, and ways not to, reignite that spark.
<p>You get home a few hours before your partner. You've had a good day, and you're feeling in the mood. You cook a fabulous dinner, uncork a bottle of wine, and even do dishes while your partner unwinds in the bath. Afterward, you begin massaging his or her shoulders delicately, lean in, and whisper about moving things into the bedroom.</p><p>Without hesitation, your partner shoots you down; he or she is far too tired to even think about sex tonight. But while you're back there, would you mind getting the lower back, too? </p><p>If you've been in a committed, long-term relationship, you've lived some rendition of this story before. While couples joke about it with friends, truth is, sexual rejection is a difficult, natural, and potentially astringent part of our relationships. </p><p><span style="background-color: initial;">Because of this, men and women will at some point sexually reject their partner and be sexually rejected in turn. With luck, it will be only momentary, though it may grow to be habitual. But it will happen, and the results can be painful either way.</span><br></p>
The ups and downs of sexual rejection
<p>A recent study—in <a href="https://psyarxiv.com/p9nc8/" target="_blank">preprint</a> as of this writing—looked at the emotional effects sexual rejection has on people in committed relationships. The researchers asked 115 couples to keep sex diaries. Every day for three weeks, the participants logged whether they initiated sex or if their partners made a sexual advance. They also wrote whether it led to sex and recorded daily levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction.</p><p>Most of the results aren't too surprising. Couples that had sex reported higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction. This was true for the participants who initiated sex and those who accepted the advancement. Who knew?</p><p>Also unsurprising: Rejected partners felt a stifled sexual satisfaction, a sting that could last for up to 48 hours.</p><p>Interestingly, participants who were sexually propositioned enjoyed an uptick in sexual satisfaction, whether they accepted the offer or not. A buzz that lasted for up to 72 hours. The reason is likely that the being propositioned signaled that they were desirable in their partner's eye—a lovely gift to anyone's self-esteem.</p><p>This means, the authors note, that being asked for sex is emotionally low risk. Conversely, being the partner who initiates sex comes with emotional risks. As the authors wrote, "These results indicate that making a sexual advance may be risky for romantic partners, which may lead those who feel less sure of their partner's response to an advance to do so less often, therefore missing opportunities to bolster intimacy, closeness, and satisfaction."</p>Let me down reassuringly
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzEzNDIwOS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYwMDQ3MDMxNX0.lmOw7tmEQ8HqZlxBGCywr8H6FRMgSIHHDSDGvD3CMPk/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C130%2C0%2C0&height=700" id="87e2c" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="0ae433e5d29a8d436dab471122b844c2" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />A reassuring rejection mixed with other form of intimate contact can strengthen relationship satisfaction.
<p>Of course, anyone has the right to reject an offer of sex. We're autonomous beings and even the most loving and intimate of couples won't maintain perfectly synchronicity. Sometimes work, children, and all that life clamps down on our sex drives. Sometimes we don't feel sexy or well. And one partner's libidinous appetite may simply outpace the other's.</p><p>How can we navigate sexual rejection while limiting the emotional risk to our partners? One study's suggested answer is "reassuring rejection."</p><p>The study, <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/339913289_When_Tonight_Is_Not_the_Night_Sexual_Rejection_Behaviors_and_Satisfaction_in_Romantic_Relationships" target="_blank">published in <em>Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin</em></a>, looked at ways people reject a partner's advances. They found rejections fell into four behavioral patterns: reassuring, hostile, assertive, and deflecting. <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-apes/202004/how-couples-negotiate-sexual-rejection" target="_blank">Writing for <em>Psychology Today</em></a>, David Ludden, PhD, describes the behaviors as:</p><ul><li>Reassuring rejection: Reassure their partner that they love them and perhaps offer alternative forms of physical contact, such as kissing and cuddling.</li><li>Hostile rejection: Outward displays of frustration to their partners while criticizing other aspects of the relationship.</li><li>Assertive rejection: Explain the lack of interest in a clear, direct manner.</li><li>Deflecting rejection: Pretend not to notice the advance, the "pretend to be asleep" strategy.</li></ul><p>Like the previous study, the researchers had couples fill out a surveys for 28 days. The participants reported whether their partner rejected a sexual advance within 24 hours and the degree it met one of the four patterns. They also filled out a survey that measured the sexual desire discrepancy between them and their partner, as well as sexual and relationship satisfaction.</p><p>The researchers found that reassuring rejections could improve relationship satisfaction compared to the previous day—a stark contrast to the study results above. Naturally, hostile rejections harmed relationship satisfaction, while assertive and deflecting rejections neither strengthened nor harmed the relationship in the partner's eyes.</p><p>"Romantic partners sometimes (or often) engage in sex with their partner for avoidance goals (like to avoid upsetting their partner or avoid conflict)," study author James Kim told <a href="https://www.psypost.org/2018/04/the-relationship-implications-of-rejecting-a-partner-for-sex-kindly-versus-having-sex-reluctantly-51049" target="_blank"><em>PsyPost</em></a>. "They may do this because they think it would be worse to reject their partner for sex.</p><p>"However, our findings suggest that rejecting a partner for sex in positive ways (e.g. reassuring a partner that you still love and are attracted to them) actually represents a viable alternative behavior to having sex for avoidance goals in sustaining both partners' relationship and sexual satisfaction."</p>Novelty isn't a new toy
<div class="rm-shortcode" data-media_id="K6O8C6S8" data-player_id="FvQKszTI" data-rm-shortcode-id="7acf56a6ba9c3d3812bc553bf3f33a1c"> <div id="botr_K6O8C6S8_FvQKszTI_div" class="jwplayer-media" data-jwplayer-video-src="https://content.jwplatform.com/players/K6O8C6S8-FvQKszTI.js"> <img src="https://cdn.jwplayer.com/thumbs/K6O8C6S8-1920.jpg" class="jwplayer-media-preview" /> </div> <script src="https://content.jwplatform.com/players/K6O8C6S8-FvQKszTI.js"></script> </div> <p>These studies looked at sexual rejection in the short term, but maintained rejection is bound to wear on a relationship, whether reassuring or not. It is difficult to admit, especially about the ones we love, but seductive appeal can lessen throughout the years, and this can led to patterns of sexual rejection.</p><p>According to relationship therapist <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa0RUmGTCYY&vl=ja" target="_blank">Esther Perel points out in her TED Talk</a>, dulled desires result from our requiring partners to reconcile two fundamental, yet incompatible, human needs: our need for security and the unexpected.</p><p>We put our partners in the unmanageable position of being our source of dependability and insatiable passion. They must be our best friends and intimate confidants yet remain mysterious and novel. They must remain desirable to us while keeping their own desires for the unexpected in check. And they must continue this balancing act while living longer lives than any other previous generation of humans. </p><p>Couples try to reconcile this inconsistency by keeping things fresh—a phrase that typically translates as, "Let's introduce a new toy or lingerie into the mix." But that's a heavy ask of some silicone and gossamer fabric.</p><p>Instead, novelty comes from seeing our partners and ourselves in a new light. As Perel notes: </p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">But novelty isn't about new positions. It isn't a repertoire of techniques. Novelty is, what parts of you do you bring out? What parts of you are just being seen? Because in some way one could say sex isn't something you do. Sex is a place you go. It's a space you enter inside yourself and with another, or others.</p><p>According to Perel, couples that do manage to reconcile dependency and seduction have a few things in common. These couples:</p> <ol><li>Have a lot of sexual privacy and each an erotic space that belongs to them.</li> <li>Don't wait until right before the deed to initiate foreplay. It's a daily, continuous activity.</li> <li>Understand that responsibility and desire butt heads, so they leave that responsibility outside of their erotic space.</li> <li>Understand that passion comes and goes. Rather than grow discouraged, they take steps to resurrect it.</li> <li>Don't believe in the myth of spontaneity purported by porn and bodice-rippers.</li></ol> <p>"Committed sex is premeditated sex," Paral concluded. "It's willful. It's intentional. It's focus and present."</p><p>But what about the persistently rejected? Those who find themselves in relationships where their partner rarely wants to have sex and rejects their advances in assertive or hostile ways? Unfortunately, caring intimacy doesn't automatically equate to good or alluring sex. </p><p>Relationship columnist Dan Savage claims the vast majority of the mail he receives comes from people in sexless marriages who either don't want to end it or can't afford to. His standard advice—barring circumstances like children—is to end such relationships as they are not healthy for either partner. <a href="https://www.thestranger.com/slog/2018/12/05/36763765/im-sick-of-this-question" target="_blank">He writes</a>:</p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">[O]dds are good that rejection and resentment will have curdled the frustrated half of the couple's affections so thoroughly that the relationship simply can't survive. And there's a better than 50/50 chance that the problem isn't stress or work-related, but not-attracted-to-you-related, and how long do you want to hang in there before you find that out?</p><p>Obviously, any advice is specific to the couple asking for it, but sexual rejection doesn't have to be a corny punchline in public and emotional weight in private. If we accept sexual rejection as a part of any relationship, engage with empathy, invest in our erotic spaces, and are truly honest with each other, then sexual rejection can be navigated without lasting harm to the relationship or individuals within it.</p>
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