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New study explores how to navigate 'desire discrepancies' in long term relationships
With the most common form of female sexual dysfunction impacting 1 in 10 women, this important study dives into how to keep a relationship going despite having different needs and wants in the bedroom.
03 July, 2020
NDAB Creativity / Shutterstock
- A new study highlights the difficulties faced by women who struggle with decreased sexual desire, and explains how to navigate desire discrepancies in long-term relationships.
- Hypoactive sexual desire disorder is one of the most common forms of female sexual dysfunction, impacting an estimated 1 in 10 women.
- Finding other ways to promote intimacy in your relationship is one of the keys to ensuring happiness on both sides.
<p>The loss of sexual desire is something that can impact anyone, no matter their gender or sexual orientation, but for the sake of this particular study, researchers focused on the female libido. </p><p><a href="http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/hypoactive-sexual-desire-disorder/" target="_blank">Hypoactive sexual desire disorder</a> is defined as an absence of sexual fantasies and/or the lack of receptivity to sexual activity that (that causes personal distress or difficulties in her relationships). This is the most common form of female sexual dysfunction and it can impact women of all ages.</p><ul class="ee-ul"></ul>
<p class=""><br></p>
The study
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzQzMzcxOS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzMzA2NTgxM30.Au-HmSRnSeN86ZGU7qeZJzq50LPM0LxjvUUU6_y2XVs/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C52%2C0%2C52&height=700" id="2bb9b" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="2af6156aff63fba2146746ae150f490e" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="sad woman sitting on the floor at the foot of a bed" />An estimated one in ten women experience female sexual dysfunction.
Photo by fizkes on Shutterstock
<p><a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2020.1743225?scroll=top&needAccess=true" target="_blank">This 2020 study published in the Journal of Sex Research</a>, led by Dr. Avigail Moor and her colleagues Yael Haimov and Shaked Shreiber, focused on 15 women between the ages of 25-59, all of whom were in committed, heterosexual, long-term relationships (with a median relationship length of 3.5 years) to better understand decreases in female sexual desire. Approximately half the women in this sample had children.<br></p><p><strong>During this study, the women were asked various questions about:</strong></p><ol> <li>The quality of their relationship</li><li>How their relationship has been impacted by their decreased sexual desire </li><li>What they believe could have caused a decrease in their sexual desire over the course of their relationship</li><li>What impact they felt this had on themselves and their relationship </li><li>How they dealt with the decreased sexual desire themselves</li><li>How the couple dealt with and/or navigated the decrease in sexual desire together</li></ol><p><strong>There are a number of reasons why women, in particular, could be going through a libido decline, including:</strong></p><p><strong><br></strong></p><ul><li>Job stress</li><li>Family stress</li><li>Self-confidence struggles</li><li>Declining hormones or hormone imbalances</li><li>Relationship issues</li><li>Health conditions </li></ul><div></div>Navigating low sexual desire and desire discrepancies in your relationship
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzQzMzcyMS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0MTYzNjE5N30.oec9wuuxd9MEVkqmappsngN2nVmMxF3sIi9AlL9Q5SE/img.jpg?width=980" id="e246b" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="ebf8cdebd54a0b26ee181320e756bff4" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="couple hugging in a bedroom" />Even if you are struggling with differing sexual desires in your relationship, there are still countless ways you can show affection to your partner.
Photo by fizkes on Shutterstock
<p>Assistant professor at Harvard Medical School <a href="https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/loss-of-sexual-desire-in-women#1" target="_blank">Jan Shifren</a>, MD, explains in an interview: "One of the first things I do speaking to women who come in with sexual concerns is let them know that there is no normal frequency or set of behaviors and things change with times. If it's working for them and/or their partner, there is no problem."</p><p>Shifren goes on to explain that when the decreases in sexual interest begin having a negative impact on her life and cause distress in the relationship, this is when it's considered a problem of low sexual desire. </p><p>If it is believed to be a problem, there are a few things this study, in particular, has highlighted. </p><p><strong>Love doesn't equal desire, and a lack of desire doesn't equal disaster. </strong></p><p>Participants of this study explained that their sexual desire (or lack thereof) never made them doubt their relationship or the feelings they had for their partner. They saw the sexual desire and love for their partner as two very separate things. </p><p>Over half the participants said they didn't believe their <a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/low-sex-drive-in-women/symptoms-causes/syc-20374554#:~:text=Women's%20sexual%20desires%20naturally%20fluctuate,low%20sex%20drive%20in%20women." target="_blank">decreased sexual desire</a> had a negative impact on their relationship, explaining that they have more intimate, deeper connections with their partner that went beyond sex. Many women who felt this way cited the fact that they were navigating life's ups and downs, things like parenthood and job stress, with their partner, which made them feel closer to their partners even if the sexual desire wasn't there. </p><p><strong>This is an extremely isolating problem even if it impacts the whole relationship. </strong></p><p>In order to make sense of the rapid changes in their desires or the complete lack of sexual drive, many women in the study claimed they looked inwards, often blaming themselves. Instead of thinking that this is a common thing many individuals (and many other women) struggle with, many of these participants felt guilty about their low libidos, thinking it must be their problem. </p><p><strong>Among these women, feelings of guilt and self-blame were frequent over the course of their interviews. </strong></p><p>Even in situations where there was very minimal negative impact on the relationship, desire discrepancies still caused some tension. </p><p>While over half the women involved stated they did not feel desire discrepancies in their relationship negatively impacted their relationship, many women still did describe feeling some sort of "pressure" to have sex more often. </p><p>Despite having relationships that were described as loving and healthy, some of the women in the study indicated that they have, in the past, still experienced conflict with their partner over how long it had been since they had sex. Some women also stated they were worried that their partner took their low libido personally. </p><p><strong>How can you navigate desire discrepancies in long-term relationships?</strong></p><p>This is one of the first studies to focus so specifically on female sexual dysfunction in long-term relationships, so there is still a lot of research to be done. What we have learned from this study, however, can help us better understand how to navigate these difficult challenges of intimate relationships. </p><p>Strategies that can be used to address the problems in the relationship that are caused by having a low sex drive can be things like: </p><ul><li>Creating an honest line of communication. Participating in conversations that allow each person to be open and honest about how they feel can promote intimacy and bonding as well as a deeper understanding of what the other person is going through. </li><li>Compromising. This doesn't mean simply having sex when you don't feel like it, but it can be other things that promote intimacy such as a date night or incorporating other forms of physical affection into your relationship. </li><li>Treating this like any other relationship problem. Relationships take work, and just as you navigate difficulties due to chores, finances, and responsibilities, you can navigate the struggles of low sexual desire by creating an environment of understanding and having a desire to make things work. </li></ul>
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Dinosaur bone? Meteorite? These men's wedding bands are a real break from boredom.
Manly Bands wanted to improve on mens' wedding bands. Mission accomplished.
02 July, 2020
- Manly Bands was founded in 2016 to provide better options and customer service in men's wedding bands.
- Unique materials include antler, dinosaur bones, meteorite, tungsten, and whiskey barrels.
- The company donates a portion of profits to charity every month.
<p>Johnathan Ruggiero needed a wedding band. As a bigger guy he had trouble finding one to fit his size 17 finger. Then he ran into another issue: His wedding was in a few weeks. He never realized you should take care of this a few months out. The cheapest ring he could find was $600. Even then, given his finger size, it would take four weeks. He also wasn't excited about the choices. His wife to be, Michelle, had a much better experience.</p><p>As Ruggiero puts it, "I did not expect it to be so difficult and so stressful."</p><p>Fast forward a few months. The newlyweds, temporarily relocated to Florida from Los Angeles, were figuring out the next phase of their careers. Johnathan had experience in web design and marketing, while Michelle's creative endeavors include writing and design. "This is our first real test as a married couple," Johnathan thought. "What are we going to do with the rest of our life and how are we going to financially survive this?"</p><p>Then they remembered the ring buying experience. Poor selection. Terrible customer service. Inflated prices. They knew they could do better. </p><p><a href="https://shareasale.com/r.cfm?b=1473923&u=2216766&m=93947&urllink=&afftrack=" target="_blank">Manly Bands</a> was born. </p>
<span style="display:block;position:relative;padding-top:56.25%;" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="b6f0ebd386e38312366f7c182264aea6"><iframe type="lazy-iframe" data-runner-src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/dqbYBq7DpjM?rel=0" width="100%" height="auto" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" style="position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;"></iframe></span><p>The Ruggerios set out to improve on all of Johnathan's bad experiences in the jewelry store. Michelle set to work designing rings and writing website copy; Johnathan spun up a website and applied his marketing chops. The goal was to create rings men are excited about without breaking their bank account. Nearly four years later and they've built a successful brand. </p><p>With a career in acting and music, Michelle was accustomed to branding. While the couple decided to take a "silly and fun" approach to their rings, materials in the bands were equally important. This is where Michelle got to implement her creativity. </p><p>The first material on their website to jump out at you is dinosaur bone—yes, as in those dinosaurs. </p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"One of our manufacturers started working with dinosaur bones," Michelle says. "They take smaller pieces of bone that museums can't use and grind them down to make a mosaic. They can put it in an inlay in three different colors."</p><p>Depending on where the dinosaur died, the resulting bone might be tan, reddish-brown, or jet black. Manly's ring, <a href="https://shareasale.com/r.cfm?b=1473923&u=2216766&m=93947&urllink=&afftrack=" target="_blank">the Triceratops</a>, features all three. </p><p>After canvasing deep inside of the earth, they looked toward the heavens. Enter meteorite. </p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"They shave that in sheets and are able to put it in as an inlay. It's pure iron, which means it's heavy and feels significant. Also, every piece is different, so you're never going to get the same exact design. You truly have a unique band."</p><p>This causes Johnathan to jump in with his "dad joke."</p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"The best part is when you mix meteorite and dinosaurs, you have a cursed ring because there's a little animosity between the two."</p>
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzM2NTA1NS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0Njc5NjMzM30.zum6INbYuUMbqE1JNIf8zcTVRH-g2gdrA3yaLGRO3ls/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C56%2C0%2C38&height=700" id="7af9d" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="ca47fb749fc959b272623f9f16cb9a7b" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" /><p>Whether antler, Cerakote, or tungsten, or more traditional fare like gold or Damascus steel, Manly Bands has greatly expanded the selection of men's rings. There's even a Whiskey Barrel collection. </p><p>By ordering in volume the prices stay low. Not having a storefront helps. In the tradition of Framebridge and Interior Define, Manly Bands is an internet-only enterprise, which is why customer service is their number-one concern. </p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"We're really just our shipping and warehouse operation, our designers, some manufacturers, and the marketing and customer service team," Johnathan says. "It's a different corporate set up in the sense that we can take those savings and pass it along to the customers."</p><p>In Manly Bands, Johnathan also found a calling. Growing up he always wanted to save the world. Though he realized that ambition is a bit grandiose, every month Manly Bands donates part of its proceeds to charitable causes. Just last week, they dropped off 10,000 face masks to first responders and hospital staff in Utah, the state the company now calls home. </p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Every month we try to do something different to spread the goodness around," Johnathan says. "In the last few months, we've tried to focus on organizations and groups helping with the COVID pandemic. We take it very seriously. We feel that if we're fortunate enough to live in a country where we can earn money because our culture allows us to have an amazing business, we should give back."</p>
<p><em>If</em><em> you buy something through a link in this article, we may earn a small commission. This helps support our team's work. Please also consider subscribing to <a href="https://www.bigthinkedge.com/" target="_blank">Big Think Edge</a> and check out our <a href="https://teespring.com/stores/big-think" target="_blank">merch</a>.<em><br></em></em></p>
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What is the viewing experience of VR porn really like?
Recent studies suggest virtual reality porn can produce a more positive experience than viewing from a monitor or screen.
01 July, 2020
Image by Andrush on Shutterstock
- Since early 2014 when Ela Darling, an adult entertainment actress recorded her first VR performance, the world of virtual porn has taken off.
- Recent studies suggests VR porn produces a more positive experience than typical porn viewing through a monitor or screen.
- RealityLovers, a top VR porn website, speaks about the benefits of virtual reality porn experiences and the future of VR adult entertainment.
<p>The porn industry has seen a lot of change over the years, from <em>Playboy</em> being sold in corner stores to naughty pay-per-view movies on TV to personalized porn that's available on cam websites... and now, VR porn. VR porn (virtual reality porn) takes adult content to the next level; instead of just watching a scene, you're seemingly participating in it while watching through a VR headset that brings the environment to life.</p><ul class="ee-ul"></ul>
Your brain on VR porn
<p><a href="https://www.dailydot.com/debug/vr-porn-brain-study/" target="_blank">Daily Dot</a> covered a study that was done by a popular VR pornography website and the results were quite interesting (albeit from a small sample): according to the study, which had men between the ages of 18-45 watching the same clip on a flat monitor and then again with a VR headset, participants watching VR porn had to work harder to process the information. The article explains:<br></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;"><em>That's not necessarily a bad result... [B]oth VR and PC scored in the cognitive load "sweet spot," where users were neither overwhelmed with information nor bored by it... The participants' motivation, or whether they feel positive or negative about watching certain content, was also greater, or more positive, in the VR test.</em></p>The overall results of this study suggest that VR porn produces a more positive experience but is not too overwhelming. <a href="https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/what-about-virtual-reality-vr-porn/" target="_blank">Various studies</a> have since confirmed this original finding.The rise of VR porn and what it means for the adult entertainment industry
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzQyODIyNC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYxMzMxOTc5OX0.YvFfshnjS5lKESA79Ry5DRISFga_iB9j-0ZFjkDY380/img.jpg?width=980" id="1c10c" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="1163a4c72e4cc565a59d26eb770769b4" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="\u200ba woman with a VR headset on watching VR porn" />Photo: RealityLovers
<p><strong>What is the viewing experience like?</strong></p><p><strong></strong>With some of the top VR porn websites having been around for up to five years now, the continued developments in technology have allowed the adult entertainment industry to advance in ways we could have only imagined, allowing viewers to have an incredibly realistic experience through platforms like <a href="https://realitylovers.com/news/what-is-the-viewing-experience-of-vr-porn-like/" target="_blank">RealityLovers</a>.</p><p>For those who have not yet experienced virtual reality porn, it's a completely immersive way to consume adult content. There are 180-degree and 360-degree porn websites available which allow you to explore the environment you're in, which can include exotic locations around the world or fantasy locations that don't exist in real life.</p><p>One of the most popular experiences is POV (point of view) porn, which allows you to view the scene from a first-person perspective. As you can imagine, this is a particularly popular genre of VR porn, although there are many other genres in existence.</p><p><strong>What equipment do you need to watch VR porn? </strong></p><p>Although VR systems used to be expensive, they are becoming increasingly more popular among the general public. From smartphones and Google Cardboard to Oculus Rift, Samsung Gear VR, and beyond, there are plenty of different options for VR equipment. </p><p>Most virtual reality porn websites are capable of accepting various types of VR systems, but you may need to check with the site to make sure the equipment you have (or are looking to purchase) is compatible with their platform. </p><p>Along with a VR headset of your choosing, there <a href="https://sextoycollective.com/best-male-sex-toys/vr/" target="_blank">are also some sex toys</a> that people choose to use to enhance their virtual reality experience. People who desire a totally immersive experience may opt for something like the <a href="https://www.kiiroo.com/products/the-fleshlight-launch-powered-by-kiiroo?sscid=61k4_pfkyx" target="_blank">Fleshlight Launch</a> (a male interactive sex toy that is able to sync with VR content through select platforms).</p><p><strong>VR porn and beyond…</strong></p><p>If you're curious about virtual reality porn, devices are more affordable than ever and more and more platforms are giving viewers access to virtual reality situations. The sex toy industry has also hopped on board, manufacturing more and more toys that are Bluetooth compatible, meaning you can sync them to your VR system and use them simultaneously. From POV sex to threesomes and more, virtual reality is quickly becoming a favorite way for people to bring their fantasies to life.</p>
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The psychology of narcissism explained
According to a licensed clinical psychologist, we need to change the way we define narcissism in order to recognize it more clearly for what it really is.
30 June, 2020
Photo by michael schaffler on Unsplash
- Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. It is characterized as a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of self.
- According to the most recent data, narcissistic personality disorder isn't as common as we think, impacting an estimated 1 percent of our population. The confusion lies in how we define the disorder compared to other narcissistic personality traits.
- Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains that we need a clearer definition of what this disorder is in order to recognize it in our society.
<ul class="ee-ul"></ul>
What is narcissism?
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzQyNTQwMC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzMjMwNzcwNX0.lQ8BR0I_yDSXNRrryTyKzBrJIA6_d371CHomBWnnQqw/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C0%2C0%2C0&height=700" id="c9537" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="1ee04679e2605a285c5b5b56b782e3d0" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="concept of ego self praise narcissism narcissistic personality disorder" />How do we really recognize narcissism?
Image by SvetaZi on Shutterstock
<p><a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662#:~:text=Narcissistic%20personality%20disorder%20%E2%80%94%20one%20of,lack%20of%20empathy%20for%20others." target="_blank">Narcissistic personality disorder</a> is one of several types of personality disorders and is characterized as a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of self. They have a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, which often leads to troubled relationships. There is an inherent lack of empathy for others and narcissism, despite its outward appearance, is often masking extremely fragile self-esteem constructs.</p><p><strong>Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder: </strong></p><ul><li>An exaggerated sense of self-importance </li><li>A sense of entitlement</li><li>Craving constant admiration or affection</li><li>Expecting to be recognized as a superior</li><li>An ability to monopolize conversations and belittle other people's input </li><li>Can easily become envious of others and believe others envy them</li><li>They may behave arrogantly and appear to be conceited, boastful or pretentious </li><li>Often insists on having "the best" of everything, which will be reflected in their possessions, even if they are things they cannot afford (a new car, etc) </li></ul><p>Narcissism itself is defined as an excessive interest in or admiration of oneself. It's entirely possible to be narcissistic without having the personality disorder...but what is the difference?<br></p><p>With narcissistic personality disorder, the traits and symptoms will be so intense that the person's life, relationships, and jobs may be compromised. A personality disorder is typically diagnosed with the issues extend to negatively <a href="https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/qa/can-someone-be-a-narcissist-and-not-have-narcissistic-personality-disorder#:~:text=Someone%20can%20be%20a%20narcissist,it%20disrupts%20his%20daily%20life." target="_blank">impact your daily life</a>. </p>The psychology of narcissistic personality disorder
<span style="display:block;position:relative;padding-top:56.25%;" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="56179ba5cb00b2a7d444605f4b976b68"><iframe type="lazy-iframe" data-runner-src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/WjuGnzbY_hY?rel=0" width="100%" height="auto" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" style="position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;"></iframe></span><p>As <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201908/difference-between-narcissist-vs-narcissistic-behavior" target="_blank">Psychology Today</a> author Preston Ni points out, there is a difference between someone with narcissistic personality disorder and someone who is exhibiting narcissistic behaviors - with the biggest difference lying in the intent.</p><p>A pathological narcissist will often purposefully induce toxic environments and harmful relationships for the purpose of exploiting other people to serve their own agendas. Someone who is considered to have the personality disorder may be caught in frequent lies or exaggerations that make them look good and others look bad, they may manipulate situations for their own gratification, they may also spread negative emotions in order to make themselves feel better. </p><p>While you may think narcissism is common, narcissistic personality disorder only affects <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/narcissism" target="_blank">an estimated</a> 1 percent of the population. </p><p>Narcissism is properly viewed on a spectrum, as with most other mental health conditions. To be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, a person is evaluated with the <a href="https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/NPI/" target="_blank">Narcissistic Personality Inventory</a> (NPI-40). The test consists of 40 pairs of statements to which the person will need to select whichever answer best suits their personality. </p><p><strong>Do narcissists know they are narcissists? </strong></p><p>Using something called a <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/narcissism" target="_blank">Single-Item Narcissism Scale</a>, people who answered affirmatively to the question "are you a narcissist?" were far more likely than others to score highly on the NPI-40. </p><p><strong>Narcissism in relationships</strong></p><p>While you may think someone in your life (perhaps maybe even someone close to you) is a narcissist, it is actually quite difficult for people with narcissistic personality disorder to truly fall in love, because there is an inherent deficit of empathy makes it difficult for them to establish long-term, healthy relationships. </p><p>Psychology Today explains: "For most narcissists, relationships are transactional. They provide positive attention and sexual satisfaction to bolster their ego and self-esteem. The objective [of the relationship] is to enjoy uncommitted pleasure and most individuals struggling with this disorder will begin to lose interest in the relationship as the expectation for commitment and intimacy grows." </p><p><strong>Changing our view on what narcissism really is. </strong></p><p>According to <a href="https://www.apa.org/research/action/speaking-of-psychology/narcissism" target="_blank">Dr. Ramani Durvasula</a>, a clinical psychologist in Santa Monica, California, narcissism is not just posting selfies on social media or checking your reflection in every surface. While those things can be viewed as narcissistic tendencies, they do not mean the person is a narcissist. </p><p>According to Durvasula, narcissism is woefully misunderstood, which is maybe why we have such a hard time spotting it in people around us. She considers it a "buzz word" of our time, explaining that it's viewed as a disorder of some kind of inflated self-esteem and grandiosity, and while it is those things, it's most importantly a disorder of self-esteem. </p><p>"I often say there are four pillars to narcissism: lack of empathy, grandiosity, a chronic sense of entitlement, and a chronic need to seek out admiration and validation. Those really create the core of the disorder." </p>
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Dating over Zoom? Don’t be surprised if those online sparks fizzle in person
What are the chances that an online connection will lead to true love?
27 June, 2020
Photo by Victoria Heath on Unsplash
For those dipping their toes into the dating pool during stay-at-home orders, it's been like swimming in a version of Netflix's reality series “Love is Blind."
<p>In the show, contestants must get engaged before ever actually meeting one another in person. And while a lockdown engagement might be a bit extreme, it's entirely possible that two people have grown to really like one another over the previous weeks and months. Maybe it started with a match on a dating app, followed by flirting over text. Then came regularly scheduled <a href="https://lifehacker.com/how-to-have-a-successful-zoom-date-1842885540" target="_blank">Zoom dates</a>. Perhaps they've even started envisioning a future together. </p><p>Now, as states start to ease restrictions, some may have broached taking the next step: an in-person rendezvous.</p><p>What are the chances that their online connection will lead to true love?</p><p>In my book, “<a href="https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Science_of_Kissing/SQhknRXlyvkC?hl=en&gbpv=0" target="_blank">The Science of Kissing</a>," I describe how compatibility requires engaging all of our senses. And absent the touch, taste and smell of a potential partner, people dating online during quarantine have essentially been flying blind.</p>
<h2>Muzzled neurotransmitters</h2><p>Human attraction involves the influence of cues that evolved over millions of years.</p><p>On a traditional date in a restaurant or move theater, we actively gather details about someone by walking side by side, holding hands, hugging and – if things get far enough – kissing. These experiences send neural impulses between the brain and body, stimulating tiny chemical messengers that affect how we feel. When two people are a good match, hormones and neurotransmitters bring about the sensations we might describe as being on a natural high or experiencing the <a href="https://theconversation.com/i-love-you-and-thats-not-the-dopamine-talking-5217" target="_blank">exhilaration of butterflies</a>. Finding love isn't rocket science – it's anatomy, endocrinology and real chemistry.</p><p>One of the most important neurotransmitters involved in influencing our emotions is dopamine, responsible for craving and desire. This natural drug can be promoted through physical intimacy and <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/cne.20772" target="_blank">leads to the addictive nature of a new relationship</a>. Of course, dopamine is just one player in a chemical symphony that motivates behavior. Intimate encounters also promote the release of <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2011.12.021" target="_blank">oxytocin</a>, which creates a sense of attachment and affection, and epinephrine, which boosts our heart rate and reduces stress. There's also a decrease in serotonin, which can lead to obsessive thoughts and feelings about the other person.</p><p>In fact, <a href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/psychological-medicine/article/alteration-of-the-platelet-serotonin-transporter-in-romantic-love/9599BA293019DFA6D05B315803B6D2A7" target="_blank">one study showed</a> that people who report that they've just "fallen in love" have levels of serotonin similar to patients suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. This chemical cocktail can even lead to trouble sleeping or a loss of appetite – symptoms people often attribute to meeting "the one."</p><p>Our noses also play a powerful role in who we fall for. The famous "<a href="https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/10.1098/rspb.1995.0087" target="_blank">sweaty t-shirt experiment</a>" reported that a man's natural scent may influence how women choose a partner. The women in the study nearly always expressed a preference for the odor of men who differed genetically from them in immune response to disease. Scientists theorize that selecting someone with genetic diversity in this region, called the <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK27156/" target="_blank">major histocompatibility complex</a>, could be important for producing children with flexible and versatile immune systems.</p>
<h2>A kiss can make or break it</h2><p>While a man's natural scent may not be something women consciously notice early on in a heterosexual relationship, getting up close and personal can serve as a kind of litmus test for a couple. A kiss puts two people nose to cheek, offering a reliable sample of smell and taste unrivaled by most other courtship rituals. Perhaps that's one reason a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/147470490700500310" target="_blank">2007 University of Albany study</a> reported that 59% of men and 66% of women have broken off a budding romance because of a bad first kiss.</p><p>Complicating matters, factors that typically grab our attention in person are less obvious to recognize in a witty profile or photo. <a href="https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/c9eb/6443b007a655105189c2decd6d598f5bbe2d.pdf" target="_blank">Studies of online dating behavior</a> reveal superficial features are correlated with the level of interest an individual receives. For example, short-haired women do not tend to get as much attention from men as those with long, straight hair, while men who report a height of six-foot-three or six-foot-four fare better than their peers at interacting with women. The initial focus on appearance promotes pairing based on characteristics that aren't significant in lasting relationships, compared with more important factors for long-term compatibility, like <a href="https://neuro.hms.harvard.edu/harvard-mahoney-neuroscience-institute/brain-newsletter/and-brain/love-and-brain" target="_blank">intimacy</a> and shared experiences.</p><p>Still, at a time when many of us are feeling more isolated than ever, online dating does offer some benefits. Quarantine has encouraged men and women to take additional time to learn about each other prior to meeting, sparing the anxiety of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201208/take-it-slow-if-you-want-your-relationship-last" target="_blank">rushed physical intimacy</a>.</p><p>For some couples, a real-world date will kindle the spark that began online. Many others will realize they're better suited as friends.</p><p><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/sheril-kirshenbaum-145748" target="_blank">Sheril Kirshenbaum</a>, Associate Research Scientist, <em><a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/michigan-state-university-1349" target="_blank">Michigan State University</a></em></p><p>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com/" target="_blank">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/dating-over-zoom-dont-be-surprised-if-those-online-sparks-fizzle-in-person-138899" target="_blank">original article</a>.</p>
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