Self-Motivation
David Goggins
Former Navy Seal
Career Development
Bryan Cranston
Actor
Critical Thinking
Liv Boeree
International Poker Champion
Emotional Intelligence
Amaryllis Fox
Former CIA Clandestine Operative
Management
Chris Hadfield
Retired Canadian Astronaut & Author
Learn
from the world's big
thinkers
Start Learningfrom the world's big
thinkers
Do we really date based on our own ideals?
Do we really know what we want in a romantic partner? If so, do our desires actually mean we match up with people who suit them?
09 July, 2020
Photo by Nejron Photo on Shutterstock
- Two separate scientific studies suggest that our "ideals" don't really match what we look for in a romantic partner.
- Results of studies like these can change the way we date, especially in the online world.
- "You say you want these three attributes and you like the people who possess these attributes. But the story doesn't end there," says Paul Eastwick, co-author of the study and professor in the UC Davis Department of Psychology.
<p>A new study from the University of California, Davis, suggests that whatever you feel your ideal partner preference is doesn't really reflect your personal insight and values. </p><p>The 2020 paper entitled "<a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0022103118305961" target="_blank">Negligible Evidence That People Desire Partners Who Uniquely Fit Their Ideals</a>" outlines this scenario: "If Faye prefers kindness in a partner and Sonia prefers ambition, Faye should be especially attracted to kind partners and Sonia should be especially attracted to ambitious ones." </p><p>According to lead author Jehan Sparks, a former UC Davis doctoral student, the participants in the study were very easily able to list their top three attributes in an ideal partner.</p><p>"We wanted to see whether those top three attributes really mattered for the person who listed them. As it turns out, they didn't," <a href="https://medicalxpress.com/news/2020-07-romantic-partner-random-stranger.html" target="_blank">Sparks explains</a>.</p><ul class="ee-ul"></ul>
Do we really know what we want in love or are we just guessing?
<span style="display:block;position:relative;padding-top:56.25%;" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="204859156383d358652fda6f7eadda0f"><iframe type="lazy-iframe" data-runner-src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/vQgfx2iYlso?rel=0" width="100%" height="auto" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" style="position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;"></iframe></span><p>More than 700 participants selected their top three qualities in a romantic partner (things like funny, attractive, inquisitive, kind, etc). They then reported their romantic desire for a series of people they knew personally. Some were blind date partners, others were romantic partners and some were simply platonic friends.</p><p>While participants did experience more romantic desire to the extent that these personal connections of theirs (people they knew) had the qualities they listed, there was more to the study. </p><p>Paul Eastwick, co-author and professor in the UC Davis Department of Psychology <a href="https://medicalxpress.com/news/2020-07-romantic-partner-random-stranger.html" target="_blank">explains</a>: "You say you want these three attributes and you like the people who possess these attributes. But the story doesn't end there." </p><p>The participants also considered the extent to which their personal acquaintances possessed three attributes nominated by some other random person in the study. For example, if Kris listed "down-to-earth", intelligent and thoughtful as her own top three attributes, Vanessa also experienced more desire for people with those specific traits. </p>Does what we want really match up with what we find?
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzQ0NDA4Ni9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTU5NjM3NzY5OX0.gdUo-UbjYhKUDOL39BDZseRynbwaK2H5dfJtbV0nw8Y/img.jpg?width=980" id="ff376" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="7c1e3a1bb9d576872ef5dce39b2e8e80" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="illustration of a man and woman matching on a dating app" />What we claim to want and what we look for may be two separate things...
Image by GoodStudio on Shutterstock
<p>So the question became: are we really listing what we want in an ideal partner or are we just listing vague qualities that people typically consider as positive?</p><p>"So in the end, we want partners who have positive qualities," Sparks explained, "but the qualities you specifically list do not actually have special predictive power for you." </p><p>In other words, the idea that we find certain things attractive in a person does not mean we actively seek out people who have those qualities, despite saying it's what we want in a love interest. The authors of this study suggest these findings could have implications for the way we approach online dating in the digital age. </p><p>This isn't the first study of its kind to suggest that what we find in love isn't really what we were looking for. The evidence suggests that we really are consistent in the abstract of it all: when asked to evaluate what you want on paper, you are more likely to suggest overall attractiveness in accordance with what you've stated are important ideals to you. But real life isn't so similar. </p><p>According to <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201506/when-it-comes-love-do-you-really-know-what-you-want" target="_blank">Psychology Today,</a> who covered a 2015 study with similar results, initial face-to-face encounters have very little effect on our romantic desire. "When we initially meet someone, our level of romantic interest in the person is independent of our standards."</p><p>While you might have no immediate interest in John, he may fit your criteria of being kind, loyal, and intelligent. Similarly, someone may be attracted to Elaine even though she doesn't have any of the qualities they originally said were important to them. </p><p><strong>What does this all mean? </strong></p><p>The authors of both the 2015 and 2020 studies say the same thing: give someone a chance before writing them off as a poor match. If your initial attraction is independent of the standards you've set out, the qualities which you've listed as important to you, the first time you meet someone may not give you enough information to make an informed decision.</p><p>"It's really easy to spend time hunting around online for someone who seems to match your ideals," said Sparks, "But our research suggests an alternative approach: Don't be too picky ahead of time about whether a partner matches your ideals on paper. Or, even better, let your friends pick your dates for you." </p>
Keep reading
Show less
New study explores how to navigate 'desire discrepancies' in long term relationships
With the most common form of female sexual dysfunction impacting 1 in 10 women, this important study dives into how to keep a relationship going despite having different needs and wants in the bedroom.
03 July, 2020
NDAB Creativity / Shutterstock
- A new study highlights the difficulties faced by women who struggle with decreased sexual desire, and explains how to navigate desire discrepancies in long-term relationships.
- Hypoactive sexual desire disorder is one of the most common forms of female sexual dysfunction, impacting an estimated 1 in 10 women.
- Finding other ways to promote intimacy in your relationship is one of the keys to ensuring happiness on both sides.
<p>The loss of sexual desire is something that can impact anyone, no matter their gender or sexual orientation, but for the sake of this particular study, researchers focused on the female libido. </p><p><a href="http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/hypoactive-sexual-desire-disorder/" target="_blank">Hypoactive sexual desire disorder</a> is defined as an absence of sexual fantasies and/or the lack of receptivity to sexual activity that (that causes personal distress or difficulties in her relationships). This is the most common form of female sexual dysfunction and it can impact women of all ages.</p><ul class="ee-ul"></ul>
<p class=""><br></p>
The study
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzQzMzcxOS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzMzA2NTgxM30.Au-HmSRnSeN86ZGU7qeZJzq50LPM0LxjvUUU6_y2XVs/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C52%2C0%2C52&height=700" id="2bb9b" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="2af6156aff63fba2146746ae150f490e" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="sad woman sitting on the floor at the foot of a bed" />An estimated one in ten women experience female sexual dysfunction.
Photo by fizkes on Shutterstock
<p><a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2020.1743225?scroll=top&needAccess=true" target="_blank">This 2020 study published in the Journal of Sex Research</a>, led by Dr. Avigail Moor and her colleagues Yael Haimov and Shaked Shreiber, focused on 15 women between the ages of 25-59, all of whom were in committed, heterosexual, long-term relationships (with a median relationship length of 3.5 years) to better understand decreases in female sexual desire. Approximately half the women in this sample had children.<br></p><p><strong>During this study, the women were asked various questions about:</strong></p><ol> <li>The quality of their relationship</li><li>How their relationship has been impacted by their decreased sexual desire </li><li>What they believe could have caused a decrease in their sexual desire over the course of their relationship</li><li>What impact they felt this had on themselves and their relationship </li><li>How they dealt with the decreased sexual desire themselves</li><li>How the couple dealt with and/or navigated the decrease in sexual desire together</li></ol><p><strong>There are a number of reasons why women, in particular, could be going through a libido decline, including:</strong></p><p><strong><br></strong></p><ul><li>Job stress</li><li>Family stress</li><li>Self-confidence struggles</li><li>Declining hormones or hormone imbalances</li><li>Relationship issues</li><li>Health conditions </li></ul><div></div>Navigating low sexual desire and desire discrepancies in your relationship
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzQzMzcyMS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0MTYzNjE5N30.oec9wuuxd9MEVkqmappsngN2nVmMxF3sIi9AlL9Q5SE/img.jpg?width=980" id="e246b" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="ebf8cdebd54a0b26ee181320e756bff4" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="couple hugging in a bedroom" />Even if you are struggling with differing sexual desires in your relationship, there are still countless ways you can show affection to your partner.
Photo by fizkes on Shutterstock
<p>Assistant professor at Harvard Medical School <a href="https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/loss-of-sexual-desire-in-women#1" target="_blank">Jan Shifren</a>, MD, explains in an interview: "One of the first things I do speaking to women who come in with sexual concerns is let them know that there is no normal frequency or set of behaviors and things change with times. If it's working for them and/or their partner, there is no problem."</p><p>Shifren goes on to explain that when the decreases in sexual interest begin having a negative impact on her life and cause distress in the relationship, this is when it's considered a problem of low sexual desire. </p><p>If it is believed to be a problem, there are a few things this study, in particular, has highlighted. </p><p><strong>Love doesn't equal desire, and a lack of desire doesn't equal disaster. </strong></p><p>Participants of this study explained that their sexual desire (or lack thereof) never made them doubt their relationship or the feelings they had for their partner. They saw the sexual desire and love for their partner as two very separate things. </p><p>Over half the participants said they didn't believe their <a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/low-sex-drive-in-women/symptoms-causes/syc-20374554#:~:text=Women's%20sexual%20desires%20naturally%20fluctuate,low%20sex%20drive%20in%20women." target="_blank">decreased sexual desire</a> had a negative impact on their relationship, explaining that they have more intimate, deeper connections with their partner that went beyond sex. Many women who felt this way cited the fact that they were navigating life's ups and downs, things like parenthood and job stress, with their partner, which made them feel closer to their partners even if the sexual desire wasn't there. </p><p><strong>This is an extremely isolating problem even if it impacts the whole relationship. </strong></p><p>In order to make sense of the rapid changes in their desires or the complete lack of sexual drive, many women in the study claimed they looked inwards, often blaming themselves. Instead of thinking that this is a common thing many individuals (and many other women) struggle with, many of these participants felt guilty about their low libidos, thinking it must be their problem. </p><p><strong>Among these women, feelings of guilt and self-blame were frequent over the course of their interviews. </strong></p><p>Even in situations where there was very minimal negative impact on the relationship, desire discrepancies still caused some tension. </p><p>While over half the women involved stated they did not feel desire discrepancies in their relationship negatively impacted their relationship, many women still did describe feeling some sort of "pressure" to have sex more often. </p><p>Despite having relationships that were described as loving and healthy, some of the women in the study indicated that they have, in the past, still experienced conflict with their partner over how long it had been since they had sex. Some women also stated they were worried that their partner took their low libido personally. </p><p><strong>How can you navigate desire discrepancies in long-term relationships?</strong></p><p>This is one of the first studies to focus so specifically on female sexual dysfunction in long-term relationships, so there is still a lot of research to be done. What we have learned from this study, however, can help us better understand how to navigate these difficult challenges of intimate relationships. </p><p>Strategies that can be used to address the problems in the relationship that are caused by having a low sex drive can be things like: </p><ul><li>Creating an honest line of communication. Participating in conversations that allow each person to be open and honest about how they feel can promote intimacy and bonding as well as a deeper understanding of what the other person is going through. </li><li>Compromising. This doesn't mean simply having sex when you don't feel like it, but it can be other things that promote intimacy such as a date night or incorporating other forms of physical affection into your relationship. </li><li>Treating this like any other relationship problem. Relationships take work, and just as you navigate difficulties due to chores, finances, and responsibilities, you can navigate the struggles of low sexual desire by creating an environment of understanding and having a desire to make things work. </li></ul>
Keep reading
Show less
Dinosaur bone? Meteorite? These men's wedding bands are a real break from boredom.
Manly Bands wanted to improve on mens' wedding bands. Mission accomplished.
02 July, 2020
- Manly Bands was founded in 2016 to provide better options and customer service in men's wedding bands.
- Unique materials include antler, dinosaur bones, meteorite, tungsten, and whiskey barrels.
- The company donates a portion of profits to charity every month.
<p>Johnathan Ruggiero needed a wedding band. As a bigger guy he had trouble finding one to fit his size 17 finger. Then he ran into another issue: His wedding was in a few weeks. He never realized you should take care of this a few months out. The cheapest ring he could find was $600. Even then, given his finger size, it would take four weeks. He also wasn't excited about the choices. His wife to be, Michelle, had a much better experience.</p><p>As Ruggiero puts it, "I did not expect it to be so difficult and so stressful."</p><p>Fast forward a few months. The newlyweds, temporarily relocated to Florida from Los Angeles, were figuring out the next phase of their careers. Johnathan had experience in web design and marketing, while Michelle's creative endeavors include writing and design. "This is our first real test as a married couple," Johnathan thought. "What are we going to do with the rest of our life and how are we going to financially survive this?"</p><p>Then they remembered the ring buying experience. Poor selection. Terrible customer service. Inflated prices. They knew they could do better. </p><p><a href="https://shareasale.com/r.cfm?b=1473923&u=2216766&m=93947&urllink=&afftrack=" target="_blank">Manly Bands</a> was born. </p>
<span style="display:block;position:relative;padding-top:56.25%;" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="b6f0ebd386e38312366f7c182264aea6"><iframe type="lazy-iframe" data-runner-src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/dqbYBq7DpjM?rel=0" width="100%" height="auto" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" style="position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;"></iframe></span><p>The Ruggerios set out to improve on all of Johnathan's bad experiences in the jewelry store. Michelle set to work designing rings and writing website copy; Johnathan spun up a website and applied his marketing chops. The goal was to create rings men are excited about without breaking their bank account. Nearly four years later and they've built a successful brand. </p><p>With a career in acting and music, Michelle was accustomed to branding. While the couple decided to take a "silly and fun" approach to their rings, materials in the bands were equally important. This is where Michelle got to implement her creativity. </p><p>The first material on their website to jump out at you is dinosaur bone—yes, as in those dinosaurs. </p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"One of our manufacturers started working with dinosaur bones," Michelle says. "They take smaller pieces of bone that museums can't use and grind them down to make a mosaic. They can put it in an inlay in three different colors."</p><p>Depending on where the dinosaur died, the resulting bone might be tan, reddish-brown, or jet black. Manly's ring, <a href="https://shareasale.com/r.cfm?b=1473923&u=2216766&m=93947&urllink=&afftrack=" target="_blank">the Triceratops</a>, features all three. </p><p>After canvasing deep inside of the earth, they looked toward the heavens. Enter meteorite. </p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"They shave that in sheets and are able to put it in as an inlay. It's pure iron, which means it's heavy and feels significant. Also, every piece is different, so you're never going to get the same exact design. You truly have a unique band."</p><p>This causes Johnathan to jump in with his "dad joke."</p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"The best part is when you mix meteorite and dinosaurs, you have a cursed ring because there's a little animosity between the two."</p>
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzM2NTA1NS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0Njc5NjMzM30.zum6INbYuUMbqE1JNIf8zcTVRH-g2gdrA3yaLGRO3ls/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C56%2C0%2C38&height=700" id="7af9d" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="ca47fb749fc959b272623f9f16cb9a7b" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" /><p>Whether antler, Cerakote, or tungsten, or more traditional fare like gold or Damascus steel, Manly Bands has greatly expanded the selection of men's rings. There's even a Whiskey Barrel collection. </p><p>By ordering in volume the prices stay low. Not having a storefront helps. In the tradition of Framebridge and Interior Define, Manly Bands is an internet-only enterprise, which is why customer service is their number-one concern. </p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"We're really just our shipping and warehouse operation, our designers, some manufacturers, and the marketing and customer service team," Johnathan says. "It's a different corporate set up in the sense that we can take those savings and pass it along to the customers."</p><p>In Manly Bands, Johnathan also found a calling. Growing up he always wanted to save the world. Though he realized that ambition is a bit grandiose, every month Manly Bands donates part of its proceeds to charitable causes. Just last week, they dropped off 10,000 face masks to first responders and hospital staff in Utah, the state the company now calls home. </p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Every month we try to do something different to spread the goodness around," Johnathan says. "In the last few months, we've tried to focus on organizations and groups helping with the COVID pandemic. We take it very seriously. We feel that if we're fortunate enough to live in a country where we can earn money because our culture allows us to have an amazing business, we should give back."</p>
<p><em>If</em><em> you buy something through a link in this article, we may earn a small commission. This helps support our team's work. Please also consider subscribing to <a href="https://www.bigthinkedge.com/" target="_blank">Big Think Edge</a> and check out our <a href="https://teespring.com/stores/big-think" target="_blank">merch</a>.<em><br></em></em></p>
Keep reading
Show less
Dating over Zoom? Don’t be surprised if those online sparks fizzle in person
What are the chances that an online connection will lead to true love?
27 June, 2020
Photo by Victoria Heath on Unsplash
For those dipping their toes into the dating pool during stay-at-home orders, it's been like swimming in a version of Netflix's reality series “Love is Blind."
<p>In the show, contestants must get engaged before ever actually meeting one another in person. And while a lockdown engagement might be a bit extreme, it's entirely possible that two people have grown to really like one another over the previous weeks and months. Maybe it started with a match on a dating app, followed by flirting over text. Then came regularly scheduled <a href="https://lifehacker.com/how-to-have-a-successful-zoom-date-1842885540" target="_blank">Zoom dates</a>. Perhaps they've even started envisioning a future together. </p><p>Now, as states start to ease restrictions, some may have broached taking the next step: an in-person rendezvous.</p><p>What are the chances that their online connection will lead to true love?</p><p>In my book, “<a href="https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Science_of_Kissing/SQhknRXlyvkC?hl=en&gbpv=0" target="_blank">The Science of Kissing</a>," I describe how compatibility requires engaging all of our senses. And absent the touch, taste and smell of a potential partner, people dating online during quarantine have essentially been flying blind.</p>
<h2>Muzzled neurotransmitters</h2><p>Human attraction involves the influence of cues that evolved over millions of years.</p><p>On a traditional date in a restaurant or move theater, we actively gather details about someone by walking side by side, holding hands, hugging and – if things get far enough – kissing. These experiences send neural impulses between the brain and body, stimulating tiny chemical messengers that affect how we feel. When two people are a good match, hormones and neurotransmitters bring about the sensations we might describe as being on a natural high or experiencing the <a href="https://theconversation.com/i-love-you-and-thats-not-the-dopamine-talking-5217" target="_blank">exhilaration of butterflies</a>. Finding love isn't rocket science – it's anatomy, endocrinology and real chemistry.</p><p>One of the most important neurotransmitters involved in influencing our emotions is dopamine, responsible for craving and desire. This natural drug can be promoted through physical intimacy and <a href="https://doi.org/10.1002/cne.20772" target="_blank">leads to the addictive nature of a new relationship</a>. Of course, dopamine is just one player in a chemical symphony that motivates behavior. Intimate encounters also promote the release of <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2011.12.021" target="_blank">oxytocin</a>, which creates a sense of attachment and affection, and epinephrine, which boosts our heart rate and reduces stress. There's also a decrease in serotonin, which can lead to obsessive thoughts and feelings about the other person.</p><p>In fact, <a href="https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/psychological-medicine/article/alteration-of-the-platelet-serotonin-transporter-in-romantic-love/9599BA293019DFA6D05B315803B6D2A7" target="_blank">one study showed</a> that people who report that they've just "fallen in love" have levels of serotonin similar to patients suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. This chemical cocktail can even lead to trouble sleeping or a loss of appetite – symptoms people often attribute to meeting "the one."</p><p>Our noses also play a powerful role in who we fall for. The famous "<a href="https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/10.1098/rspb.1995.0087" target="_blank">sweaty t-shirt experiment</a>" reported that a man's natural scent may influence how women choose a partner. The women in the study nearly always expressed a preference for the odor of men who differed genetically from them in immune response to disease. Scientists theorize that selecting someone with genetic diversity in this region, called the <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK27156/" target="_blank">major histocompatibility complex</a>, could be important for producing children with flexible and versatile immune systems.</p>
<h2>A kiss can make or break it</h2><p>While a man's natural scent may not be something women consciously notice early on in a heterosexual relationship, getting up close and personal can serve as a kind of litmus test for a couple. A kiss puts two people nose to cheek, offering a reliable sample of smell and taste unrivaled by most other courtship rituals. Perhaps that's one reason a <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/147470490700500310" target="_blank">2007 University of Albany study</a> reported that 59% of men and 66% of women have broken off a budding romance because of a bad first kiss.</p><p>Complicating matters, factors that typically grab our attention in person are less obvious to recognize in a witty profile or photo. <a href="https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/c9eb/6443b007a655105189c2decd6d598f5bbe2d.pdf" target="_blank">Studies of online dating behavior</a> reveal superficial features are correlated with the level of interest an individual receives. For example, short-haired women do not tend to get as much attention from men as those with long, straight hair, while men who report a height of six-foot-three or six-foot-four fare better than their peers at interacting with women. The initial focus on appearance promotes pairing based on characteristics that aren't significant in lasting relationships, compared with more important factors for long-term compatibility, like <a href="https://neuro.hms.harvard.edu/harvard-mahoney-neuroscience-institute/brain-newsletter/and-brain/love-and-brain" target="_blank">intimacy</a> and shared experiences.</p><p>Still, at a time when many of us are feeling more isolated than ever, online dating does offer some benefits. Quarantine has encouraged men and women to take additional time to learn about each other prior to meeting, sparing the anxiety of <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201208/take-it-slow-if-you-want-your-relationship-last" target="_blank">rushed physical intimacy</a>.</p><p>For some couples, a real-world date will kindle the spark that began online. Many others will realize they're better suited as friends.</p><p><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/sheril-kirshenbaum-145748" target="_blank">Sheril Kirshenbaum</a>, Associate Research Scientist, <em><a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/michigan-state-university-1349" target="_blank">Michigan State University</a></em></p><p>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com/" target="_blank">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/dating-over-zoom-dont-be-surprised-if-those-online-sparks-fizzle-in-person-138899" target="_blank">original article</a>.</p>
<p class=""><br/></p>
Keep reading
Show less
Do same-sex couples resolve conflicts in a healthier way?
A 12-year long study examines the differences between how same-sex and different-sex couples argue, with some surprising results.
04 June, 2020
Photo by Irma eyewink on Shutterstock
- A 12-year long study by the Gottman Institute examines the differences between how same-sex couples and different-sex couples resolve conflicts.
- Overall, the relationship satisfaction and quality were about the same across all couple types (gay, straight, lesbian). However, the study did find some differences in how same-sex and different-sex couples argue, including using humor to diffuse tense situations, not taking things so personally during an argument, and offering encouragement rather than criticism.
- No matter the relationship, there are key points to be taken away from this research in how we can all strive for healthier conflict resolution in romantic relationships.
<p>"Gay and lesbian couples, like straight couples, deal with the everyday ups-and-downs of close relationships," Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute <a href="https://www.gottman.com/about/research/same-sex-couples/" target="_blank">explains in his research</a>. Gottman and his team of researchers <a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/14567654/" target="_blank">conducted a 12-year long study</a> that uncovered some of the differences in how same-sex couples and different-sex couples disagree, argue, and resolve conflicts. </p><p>Overall, the relationship satisfaction and quality were about the same across all couple types (gay, straight, lesbian). However, the study did find some differences in how same-sex and different-sex couples argue. </p><p>"Gay and lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict," Gottman explains, "Compared to straight couples, gay and lesbian couples use more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement. They are also likely to remain more positive after a disagreement." </p><p>To better understand how same-sex couples are having healthier arguments that lead to conflicts being resolved more constructively, we look at some of Gottman's findings and spoke with a therapist on the topic.</p><ul class="ee-ul"></ul><ul class="ee-ul"></ul><ul class="ee-ul"></ul>
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzM3MTAwNi9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0MTAyOTE4MH0.CRNUTVPEk5-IYEg-n5gY_rnF8WL4ENQK_Z4qc1uqLQ4/img.jpg?width=980" id="5a4c7" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="d933d6369dc76920e458130653bc7270" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="man and woman fighting conflict resolution in heterosexual marriages" />
Heterosexual couples show higher levels of physiological distress during arguments than same-sex couples, impacting their ability to stay calm.
Photo by B-D-S Piotr Marcinski on Shutterstock
<p><strong>Same-sex couples use fewer controlling and hostile tactics during disagreements.</strong></p><p>Dr. John Gottman and his colleagues discovered that, during a disagreement, same-sex couples are less likely to display belligerence or domineering attitudes than heterosexual couples. </p><p>"The difference in these 'control' related emotions suggests fairness and power-sharing between the partners is more important and more common in gay and lesbian relationships than in straight ones," Gottman explains. </p><p><strong>Things don't get as personal in same-sex disagreements. </strong></p><p>"In a fight," Gottman says, "gay and lesbian couples take it less personally. In straight couples, it is easier to hurt a partner with a negative comment than to make one's partner feel good with a positive comment. This appears to be reversed in gay and lesbian couples." </p><p>This trend suggests that same-sex couples are able to disagree without taking things personally, whereas straight couples are more likely to be offended when their partner comes to them with a conflict.</p><p><strong>Same-sex couples show low levels of physiological arousal, different-sex couples show higher levels during conflict. </strong></p><p>According to Gottman's observations, unhappy gay and lesbian couples were less likely to show visible signs of aggravation such as elevated heart rate, sweaty palms, and jitteriness. Different-sex couples, on the other hand, had elevated physiological symptoms that signify they may have trouble calming down in order to resolve the conflict constructively. </p><p><strong>Same-sex couples are more likely to try to offer encouragement rather than criticism or lecturing when it comes to lifestyle choices.</strong></p><p>Your partner can have a very positive or very negative impact on your lifestyle. Gottman's study isn't the only research available that examines the differences in same-sex and different-sex marriages. </p><p><a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30052080/" target="_blank">A later (2018) study</a> suggests that same-sex couples are much more likely to try to influence each other's lifestyle habits (good or bad) with praise or encouragement. The opposite can be said for different-sex couples who tend to lecture or criticize to prove their point. </p>Simple ways every couple can strive towards healthier conflict resolution skills
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzM3MTAwNy9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYxNjM3MjA1MX0.OaArbSg4ARcW43Qym-S9g8uEBNIr_WOgT87Fe7gQ7i8/img.jpg?width=980" id="b4e0a" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="94dc27cb278e8eb5fe17baadb0613c23" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="two men consoling each other after an argument concept of same-sex conflict resolution" />There are simple ways you and your partner can strive for healthier conflict resolutions in your relationship.
Photo by ArtOfPhotos on Shutterstock
<p>While these differences in same-sex and different-sex marriages are important and interesting to observe, there are a few universal goals that should be placed on any couple trying to better themselves by striving for healthier conflict resolutions. </p><p><strong>Recognize your differences and take space from the other person when you need to.</strong></p><p>Each person brings their own experiences, opinions, values, and beliefs to the relationship. Acknowledging that you are two different people who are bound to disagree on things is a healthy part of any relationship. </p><p>Accepting and even appreciating those differences for what they can bring to your relationship should be something every couple - gay or straight - should keep in mind, especially during conflicts.</p><p>Julie S. Gottman, Ph.D. explains: "If you find that your heart is pounding during an argument, take a break. If you need to leave, you should explain when you're going to come back and rejoin the conversation. During the time when you're apart, don't think about the fight. Instead, practice something that is self-soothing (like reading a book) so that your body can calm down."</p><p><strong>Positivity and laughter might be more important than ever during disagreements.</strong></p><p>While it may feel strange to crack a joke during an argument, this 2003 study suggests that one of the reasons same-sex arguments may be healthier is because there is an air of humor and positivity to them. It's important to end a disagreement on a positive note, and same-sex couples do this far more often than different-sex couples, according to Dr. Gottman's research. </p><p><strong>Equality, understanding, and respect should be paramount in any relationship.</strong></p><p>Perhaps one of the reasons same-sex couples are able to resolve conflicts in a healthier way is because they aren't tied to traditional societal roles or the ideas of how they are "supposed" to relate to each other. This kind of freedom allows the couple to create their own dynamic. When possible, try to understand or sympathize with the other person's point of view. If you have two very different opinions on something, attempt to communicate your side respectfully and, perhaps more important, really listen to and acknowledge their feelings.</p><p>Respect and understanding are two crucial ingredients to a healthy relationship and these are things every couple should strive for.<br></p>
Keep reading
Show less
Popular
