How your masturbation habits are impacting your sex life
Is your masturbation routine benefitting your sex life? Here's how to tell...
10 November, 2020
Credit: Bede on Adobe Stock
- As many as 40% of women experience difficulty reaching orgasm during heterosexual partnered sex. A 2019 study explores the potential links between female masturbation habits and partnered sex satisfaction.
- The frequency in which women masturbated did not correlate to their orgasm experiences with their partner. However, researchers did note that the greater the overlap between masturbation activities and partnered sex, the more women were to overcome orgasm difficulties.
- In general, women who were more satisfied with their relationship had lower orgasmic difficulty.
<p><a href="https://www.jsm.jsexmed.org/article/S1743-6095(19)31470-5/fulltext" target="_blank">A 2019 study</a> published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine explored the link between female masturbation habits and their effect on partnered sex. The researchers on this project suggest the relationship between masturbation and partnered sex is understudied, and went into this experiment hoping to clarify if masturbation improves or decreases the sexual satisfaction of partnered sex. </p><p>"Many women, perhaps as high as 30-40%, experience some-to-great difficulty reaching orgasm during heterosexual partnered sex, particularly if the primary form of stimulation occurs through penile-vaginal intercourse," said study author David L. Rowland, a psychology professor at Valparaiso University. "The issue is relevant because sometimes masturbation by women is 'prescribed' as a way of improving orgasmic probability during partnered sex. But masturbation has also been hypothesized to interfere with orgasmic response during partnered sex."</p>
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<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDc2NjA2Ny9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYxMDQ2NDQzMH0.HUxilxzsZvXmiGUx5V5O1uPFeAsdpEME75sZB9d_TBE/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C77%2C0%2C77&height=700" id="8f63b" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="d814592b64a2d7ee8d4f48bdafb38001" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="woman smiling in bed" />
Over 2,000 women were polled to determine how masturbation impacting their partnered sex life.
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<p>Over 2,000 women living within the United States and Hungary completed an online survey about activities and reasons for orgasmic difficulty during masturbation, as well as activities and reasons for orgasmic difficulties during partnered sex.</p><p>The average number of times these women masturbated was once every two weeks, and the average number of times per week they reported having sex with their partner was twice. The majority of women reported using clitoral stimulation during masturbation while significantly fewer women (about half) reported using clitoral stimulation during partnered sex. </p><p>Nearly all women who reported using clitoral stimulation during masturbation also included it during partnered sex. </p><p><strong>Favorite positions translated from partnered sex to masturbation for the majority of women.<br><br></strong>53 percent of women who used a particular body position (and 48 percent who engaged in anal stimulation during masturbation) also regularly used the respective activities during partnered sex. Additionally, 38 percent of women who engaged in sexual fantasy (and 36 percent of women who used sex toys such as vibrators) during masturbation included such activities when having sex with their partner.</p><p><strong>Masturbation frequency was not related to orgasm experiences with partners.<br><br></strong>The frequency in which women masturbated did not correlate to their orgasm experiences with their partner. However, researchers did note that the greater the overlap between masturbation activities and partnered sex, the more likely women were to overcome orgasm difficulties. Additionally, women with lower alignment between their masturbatory activities and partnered sex activities were more likely to report preferring masturbation to sex with their partner.</p><p>"In and of itself, women who masturbate experience no particular advantage or disadvantage insofar as reaching orgasm during partnered sex. However, women who show greater similarity between the behaviors/techniques they use for stimulation during masturbation and the type of stimulation that occurs during partnered sex report lower orgasmic difficulty than women who report disparate stimulation techniques during these types of activities," <a href="https://www.psypost.org/2020/10/new-study-shows-how-female-masturbation-impacts-partnered-sex-58151" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Rowland told PsyPost</a>.</p><p><strong>Does relationship satisfaction lead to better sex?<br><br></strong>Another interesting takeaway from this particular study is that relationship satisfaction is a key variable in understanding just how satisfied women were in both their partnered and solo sex activities. In general, women who are more satisfied with their relationship with their partner had lower orgasmic difficulty.</p><p>"This relationship is likely bi-directional," Rowland explained. "Women who have greater sexual satisfaction during partnered sex enjoy the intimacy with their partner, thus enhancing their relationship. At the same time, women who have a better relationship with their partner are likely better at communicating their sexual needs to them, thus increasing their potential for arousal and orgasm." </p>How to communicate with your partner about masturbation and sexual desires
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDc2NjA1MC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY2MzM2ODE3NX0.dU8ehnrlPiDQgTzt8rLPxkAwbF1T23_eosUenosKJ7U/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=37%2C0%2C37%2C0&height=700" id="eafbd" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="2e0d7981116ef520ca9e45da5c3d801e" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="couple under sheets in bed" />How do you talk to your partner about your sexual needs and desires?
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<p>Talking to your partner about sex is key to having better sex. Kate McCombs, a sex and relationships educator, <a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex-partner-communication" target="_blank">spoke with HealthLine</a> about this very topic: "When you avoid those vital conversations, you might avoid some awkwardness, but you're also settling for suboptimal sex."</p><p><strong>These conversations don't just center around desire and pleasure. <br><br></strong>Talking about sex, <a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex-partner-communication#frequencytalk" target="_blank">according to Healthline</a>, should include things such as sexual health, how frequently you'd like to be having sex, the things you would like to explore with your partner, and how to deal with times when you and your partner want and need <a href="https://bigthink.com/sex-relationships/sexual-rejection-2645740543" target="_blank">different things</a> during sex. </p><p><strong>Reading erotica (or talking about an erotic story you've read) can help. <br><br></strong>According to the World Literacy Foundation, reading has been found to decrease blood pressure, lower your heart rate, and reduce stress. In fact, as little as six minutes of reading can slow your heart rate and improve your overall health. Reading erotica can not only help get you in the mood, but <a href="https://bigthink.com/sex-relationships/benefits-of-reading-erotica" target="_blank">research suggests</a> it can also help you discover more about your sexuality and communicate your needs with your partner. </p><p><strong>Start with simple questions to get to know your partner more intimately.<br><br></strong> Megwyn White, Director of Education for Satisfyer (a leading sexual wellness brand based in Germany), <a href="https://bigthink.com/sex-relationships/healthy-sex-life-couples?rebelltitem=3#rebelltitem3" target="_self">explained in this previous article</a> how to ask your partner non-confrontational and fun questions that can help bring you closer together and provide a good base for communicating about sexual desires. <br></p>This can include questions such as:<br><br><ul><li>"Are there things I'm not doing [during sex] that you wish I would?"</li><li>"What is your favorite sexy memory of us?"</li><li>"Is there any moment of our sex life in the past that you'd like to recreate?" </li></ul><div>Asking your partner these kinds of questions is a good starting point for communication about sex, consent, and desires. </div>
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We studied what happens when guys add their cats to their dating app profiles
43% of people think they can get a sense of someone's personality by their picture.
27 September, 2020
Photo by Luigi Pozzoli on Unsplash
If you've used a dating app, you'll know the importance of choosing good profile pics.
<p>These photos don't just relay attractiveness; a recent study suggested that <a href="https://www.diyphotography.net/interesting-survey-shows-just-how-important-photos-are-in-online-dating/">43% of people</a> think they can get a sense of someone's personality by their picture. You might guess that someone who has included a photo of themselves hiking is an outdoorsy type of person. </p><p><a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=Q3FOUqcAAAAJ&hl=en">But as scientists</a> <a href="https://scholar.google.com/citations?user=8JxdDd8AAAAJ&hl=en">who study human-animal interactions</a>, we wanted to know what this meant for pet owners – in particular, male cat owners. </p><p>If you're a guy who owns a cat, what kind of effect does it have on suitors if you post a picture posing with your favorite feline?</p>
<p>Prior studies suggested that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/08927936.2015.1064216" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">women do judge a potential male partner based on whether he has pets</a>. While they favor men with dogs, the results showed that they also give men with cats an edge over non-pet owners.</p><p>Because of this, we reasoned that men pictured with cats would probably be viewed as more attractive and desirable than men who didn't pose with any animals.</p><p><a href="https://doi.org/10.3390/ani10061007" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">In our study</a>, we recruited 1,388 heterosexual American women from 18 to 24 years old to take a short anonymous online survey. In the survey, we presented them with photos of one of two young white men in their early 20s either posing alone or with a cat. To avoid biasing the women's responses, we randomly presented which photo they saw first. Each participant only rated one man, with and without a cat.</p><p>Each time the participants saw a photo, we asked them to rate the man pictured on several personality attributes, including his masculinity, femininity and dateability. We also asked the women if they defined themselves as a "cat person," "dog person," "neither" or "both."</p>
<p>Most of the women found the men holding cats to be less dateable. This result surprised us, since previous studies had shown that <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.2752/175303708X371564" target="_blank">women found men with pets to have higher potential as partners</a>. They also thought the men holding cats were less extroverted and more neurotic, agreeable and open. Importantly, they saw these men as less masculine, too.</p><p>This last point may explain our findings.</p><p>Prior research suggests that <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/29775193?seq=1#metadata_info_tab_contents" target="_blank">women often seek masculine men</a> – both in terms of physical appearance and behaviors. So the fact that women in our study found the photo of the man alone more masculine and more dateable supports the idea that women are likely to look first for clues related to masculinity when determining dateability.</p><p>We suspect old cultural norms may be playing a role in the responses. Past research suggests that <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/men0000034" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">male femininity and homosexuality are still perceived to be connected</a>. Since cats are sometimes <a href="https://doi.org/10.1080/08927936.1998.11425085" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">associated more closely with female owners</a> – and therefore, considered a feminine pet – posing with cats may have primed the women taking our survey to default to this outdated trope, despite <a href="https://www.bustle.com/articles/79524-10-reasons-to-date-a-man-who-owns-a-cat-because-it-actually-makes-him-10" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">some popular media efforts</a> to elevate the status of male cat owners.</p>
<p>Alternatively, the perception of male cat owners as less extroverted and more neurotic, agreeable and open may have nudged our respondents to put these men in the "friend zone." In other words, perhaps seeing a man pose with the cat suggests he might be a better confidant than date.</p><p>It's important to note that whether the women identified themselves as "cat people," "dog people," "both" or "neither" affected their perceptions. Women who self-identified as "cat people" were more inclined to view the men pictured with cats as more dateable or say they had no preference.</p><p>Of course, like any research, our work has its limitations. Our sample is a very specific population – heterosexual, primarily white women, aged 18 to 24 years and living in the United States. We don't know how these results would change if we surveyed, say, bisexual or gender-fluid women, men interested in men or individuals from different cultural backgrounds.</p><p>And that's the best part. This is a new, growing area of research, and it's only one of a handful of potential studies on the relationship between pet ownership and first impressions on dating apps. This means we have our work cut out for us.</p><p>But in the meantime, if heterosexual men are looking to get a match, it's probably a good idea if they save showing off their photos with their favorite felines for the first or second date.<img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/144999/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation"></p><p><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/lori-kogan-1026738" target="_blank">Lori Kogan</a>, Professor of Clinical Sciences, <em><a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/colorado-state-university-1267" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Colorado State University</a></em> and <a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/shelly-volsche-1063004" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Shelly Volsche</a>, Lecturer, <em><a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/boise-state-university-1983" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Boise State University</a></em></p><p>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com/" target="_blank">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/we-studied-what-happens-when-guys-add-their-cats-to-their-dating-app-profiles-144999" target="_blank">original article</a>.</p>
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Being in a frisky mood may improve your chances in the dating world
Positive, romantic thoughts could produce positive, romantic outcomes while dating.
25 September, 2020
Credit: 4 PM production on Shutterstock
- Fear of rejection, self-doubt, and anxiety are just some of the obstacles humans need to overcome to make a meaningful, romantic connection with another person.
- According to a 2020 project by a group of psychologists at the University of Rochester (and the Israeli-based Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya), humans see possible romantic partners as a lot more attractive if they go into the interaction with a "sexy mindset."
- Across three separate studies, this team discovered that this sexual activation helps people initiate relationships by inducing them to project their desires onto prospective partners.
<p>What encourages us to seek out potential partners? What interactions encourage us to keep dating, despite the possibility of being rejected? The sexual behavioral system of humans has evolved over millennia and has been the topic of many scientific studies over the years. The concept of dating and pursuing romantic partners has been a curiosity to everyone, it seems, with <a href="https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/79140/10-fascinating-facts-about-evolution-dating-and-courtship" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">lists like this one from Mental Floss</a> detailing what dating was like throughout the centuries.</p><p>Ultimately, romantic "success" depends on our ability to target the right potential partner whom we not only find attractive but who is also attracted to us. <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0747563218301870" target="_blank">Fear of rejection</a>, self-doubt, and <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/how-anxiety-can-cause-relationship-problems-1393090" target="_blank">anxiety</a> are just some of the obstacles humans need to overcome to make a meaningful, romantic connection with another person.</p><ul class="ee-ul"></ul>
Being in a frisky mood improves your chances with potential romantic partners
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDQzNzk0OC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0Mjc3MDA5NH0.lwJquRq9_gTYX5c_2sRzCBfkyWldjMqCJig_kGCL1uA/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C6%2C0%2C6&height=700" id="d0453" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="9a29ad6b50ff3868c867fd2d0a64b8aa" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="man and woman on date woman" />The right mood could land you the right date, according to a new study.
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<p><a href="https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2020-09/uor-ffm092320.php" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">According to a 2020 study</a> by a group of psychologists at the University of Rochester (and the Israeli-based Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya), humans see possible romantic partners as a lot more attractive if they go into the interaction with a "sexy mindset."</p><p><a href="https://www.sas.rochester.edu/psy/people/faculty/reis_harry/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Harry Reis</a>, professor of psychology and the Dean's Professor in Arts, Sciences & Engineering at Rochester, and <a href="https://www.idc.ac.il/en/pages/faculty.aspx?username=birnbag" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Gurit Birnbaum</a>, a social psychologist and associate professor of psychology at the IDC (Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya) have dedicated decades of their lives to studying the intricate dynamics of sexual attraction and human sexual behavior. </p><p>In <a href="https://www.rochester.edu/newscenter/relationships-uncertainty-are-you-really-in-to-me-323512/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">a previous study,</a> the pair discovered that when people feel greater certainty about a romantic partner's interest, they put more effort into seeing that person again. Additionally, this study found people will rate the possible partner as more "sexually attractive" if they knew the person was interested in seeing them again.</p><p><a href="https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2020-09/uor-ffm092320.php" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">For this project</a>, Reis and Birnbaum, along with their team, examined what would happen if a person's sexual system is activated by exposing them to brief sexual cues that induced a thought process that included the potential for sex or heightened attraction. </p><p>Across three separate studies, the team discovered that this sexual activation helps people initiate relationships by inducing them to project their desires onto prospective partners. </p><p><strong>Study one: Immediacy</strong></p><p>In the first study, 112 heterosexual participants (between the ages of 20-32) who were not in a romantic relationship were randomly paired with an unacquainted participant of the opposite sex. Participants introduced themselves to each other (speaking about their hobbies, positive traits, career plans, etc.), all while being recorded. </p><p>The team then coded the recorded interactions and searched for nonverbal expressions of immediacy (such as close proximity, frequent eye contact, smiles, etc.) that could indicate interest in starting a romantic relationship. </p><p>In the study, the team determined that the participants exposed to a sexual stimulus before the meeting (versus those exposed to a neutral stimulus) exhibited more immediacy behaviors towards their potential partners and also perceived the partners as more attractive and/or more interested in them. </p><p><strong>Study two: Interest</strong></p><p>In the second study, 150 heterosexual participants (between the ages of 19-30) who were not in a romantic relationship served as a control for the potential partner's attractiveness and reactions. All participants in study two watched the same pre-recorded video introduction of a potential partner of the opposite sex. They then introduced themselves to the partner while being filmed themselves. </p><p>The researchers found that the activation of the sexual system led to participants viewing the potential partner as more attractive as well as more interested in them. </p><p><strong>Study three: How it all ties together</strong></p><p>In the third and final study, the team investigated whether a partner's romantic interest could explain why sexual activation impacts how we view other people's romantic interest in ourselves. </p><p>In this study, 120 single heterosexual participants (between the ages of 21-31) interacted online with another participant who was actually an attractive opposite-sex member of the research team. This was a casual "get-to-know-you" kind of interaction. The participants rated their romantic interest in the other person as well as that person's attractiveness and interest in them.</p><p>Again, the team found that sexual activation increased a person's romantic interest in the other person, which, in turn, predicted that the other person would then be more interested in a romantic partnership as well. </p><p><strong>The takeaway: Positive, romantic thoughts could produce positive, romantic outcomes. </strong></p><p>The basis of this multi-study theory is simple: Having active sexual thoughts arouses romantic interest in a prospective partner and often leads to an optimistic outlook on dating. </p><p>"Sexual feelings do more than just motivate us to seek out partners. It also leads us to project our feelings onto the other person," <a href="https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2020-09/uor-ffm092320.php" target="_blank">said Reis to Eurekalert</a>. </p><p>Reis goes on to explain, "...the sexual feelings need not come from the other person; they can be aroused in any number of ways that have nothing to do with the other person."</p>
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Can reading erotica improve your sex life?
Is indulging in erotic content good or bad for your sex life?
08 September, 2020
Photo by Jacob Lund on Shutterstock
- Erotica is defined as any type of art that is meant to cause sexual ideation or arousal. The main difference between erotica and pornography is that the former is seen as "art that has a sexual aspect."
- While there are many different misconceptions about the consumption of erotic or pornographic content, many studies on this topic prove it may not be as harmful as you think.
- Erotic literature can allow you to become more comfortable in your sexuality, communicate easier with your partner and may even impact your ability to orgasm.
<p>Erotica is defined as any type of art that is meant to cause sexual ideation or arousal. The main difference between erotica and pornography is that the former is seen as "art that has a sexual aspect", whereas the latter is seen as something that exists solely to create sexual excitement with not much else to offer. </p><p>The two most common forms of erotica include: </p><ul class="ee-ul"> <li>Written erotica (short stories, novellas, etc) </li><li>Audio erotica (audio content with sexual themes)</li></ul>
Common misconceptions about written erotica
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzc5MjU4Ny9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzNTk4OTA3MH0.UUHj7oImKfaRvteKGi0VdJKJmQyccFbKEGoPuM26eTE/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C103%2C0%2C103&height=700" id="66c89" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="72ddf915c4d9e920a0e27b4e7202cc16" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="Concept of confused woman" />There are many myths and misconceptions about erotic content...what are the facts?
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<p><strong>MYTH: Women like erotica more than men.</strong></p><p>While it's a generalization that women prefer erotica and men prefer visual porn, this is not always the case. <a href="https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499.2015.1131227" target="_blank">This 2016 study</a> examined the effects on both men and women who read BDSM themed erotica. The findings of this study proved that there was no difference in the extent to which the erotic stories aroused men and women. </p><p><strong>MYTH: Erotica (and pornography in general) are toxic to relationships. </strong></p><p>This is a widely spread myth about all things pornography. Some people are wary of erotic content because they assume it will hurt the intimacy and sexual desire felt in their relationship. However, according to <a href="https://www.regain.us/advice/intimacy/reading-erotic-literature-online-might-help-get-couples-in-the-mood/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Regain</a>, a popular couples counseling service, reading erotic literature can help get couples into the mood. </p><p><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6155976/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">This 2018 study</a> suggests whether porn hurts your relationship depends on how your partner feels about you consuming pornographic/erotic content. </p><p>"For men who are more accepting of pornography, more pornography use is associated with more relationship satisfaction; however, for men who are less accepting of pornography, more pornography use is associated with less relationship satisfaction."</p><p><strong>MYTH: Erotica is vulgar and crude. </strong></p><p>There is a large stereotype about erotic content being vulgar and crude, however, this is not always the case. There are many different kinds of written erotica available - the stories can range from romantic and subtle to aggressive and outrageous. Not all erotica is created to stun and surprise - some erotica is created to help the reader explore parts of their sexuality they've never experienced before. </p><p><strong>MYTH: Enjoying erotica is bad. </strong></p><p>There are some studies that prove this to be quite false. <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK67373/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">This 1998 study</a> examined the effects of bibliotherapy (reading therapy) on patients with orgasm disorders (sexual dysfunctions), and found that "the available evidence warrants the recommended use of self-help books for sexual dysfunction, but only after proper assessment."</p><p>While erotica may not quality as "self-help" to some, for others, reading and exploring sexuality through the written word is in fact a form of self-help. </p>How reading erotic literature can improve your sex life
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzc5MjY1My9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY0NzQ1MjMwOH0.OfgPRry6Xk6qLJU6QFzuwY7Q2JaXx-goY4_N9xx7B6E/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C4%2C0%2C4&height=700" id="66884" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="6a7fb0be3ebf9473b8c2dcdbcc2552ef" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" alt="man and woman in bed reading erotica book together" />Reading erotica can be relaxing and boost your confidence, allowing you to communicate better with your partner about your sexual needs.
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<p><strong>Reading relaxes you. Relaxation makes sex easier and more enjoyable.</strong></p><p>Stress can impact your health in numerous ways, including lowering your sex drive. One of the best ways to relieve daily stress and overcome anxiety is to lose yourself in a good book. </p><p>According to the <a href="https://worldliteracyfoundation.org/reading-reduces-stress/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">World Literacy Foundation</a>, reading has been found to decrease blood pressure, lower your heart rate, and reduce stress. In fact, as little as 6 minutes of reading can slow down your heart rate and improve your overall health. </p><p>Reading erotica can rid society of stigmas around sexual satisfaction.</p><p>According to <a href="https://www.abc.net.au/life/how-reading-erotica-can-unlock-sex-drive/12127924" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">ABC Life</a>, reading erotica may just be a key to unlocking your sex drive. Kate Cuthbert, a program manager at Writers Victoria, explained that, "erotica reflects our sexuality in a positive way, unlike in mainstream society where a lot of it can be repressed."</p><p><strong>Erotic literature can help you discover your sexuality and feel more comfortable. </strong></p><p>Not only does it relieve stress and anxiety (which can often be barriers to an active and enjoyable sex life), but it can also help you navigate your own sexuality and express yourself in a healthier way. </p><p>"Romance novels are as much about a woman falling in love with herself—in addition to the adventures, true love, and fantastic sex," says romance novelist <a href="http://www.mayarodale.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Maya Rodale</a>.</p><p><strong>Much erotic literature highlights consent and safe sex. </strong></p><p>While there are some erotic stories that don't discuss things like birth control, safewords, and consent, these themes are becoming more and more popular among up-and-coming erotica authors. </p><p>Erotica can be a safe place to express sexuality and explore curiosities and it can also promote communication and conversations between partners around safe, healthy, vibrant sex that all parties involved are happy with.</p><p>--</p><p><a href="https://twitter.com/jaimeebell_" target="_blank">Jaimee Bell</a> is the author of "All the Dirty Little Things," a six-story erotica collection now available on <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08F4JTQTZ?tag=bigthink00-20&linkCode=ogi&th=1&psc=1" target="_blank">Amazon</a>. <br></p><div class="rm-shortcode amazon-assets-widget" data-rm-shortcode-id="10e4237dec3682f5c8c24a0fb147a3fd" contenteditable="false">
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No, opposites do not attract
The problem is that what's true of magnets is not at all true of romance.
30 August, 2020
Brent Lewin/Getty Images
Everyone seems to agree that opposites attract.
<p> Young and old people, happy and distressed couples, single folks and married partners – all apparently buy the classic adage about love. <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/Opposites_attack.html" target="_blank">Relationship experts</a> <a href="https://books.google.com/books/about/I_Love_You_But_why_are_We_So_Different.html" target="_blank">have written</a> <a href="https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/opposites-attract-renee-baron/1103372924">books</a> based on this assumption. It's even been internalized by people who are on the hunt for a partner, with 86 percent of those looking for love saying they're <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/147470490800600406" target="_blank">seeking someone with opposite traits</a>.</p><p>The problem is that what's true of magnets is not at all true of romance. As I explain in my book, “<a href="http://www.wiley.com/buy/978-1-118-52128-1" target="_blank">Great Myths of Intimate Relationships: Dating, Sex, and Marriage</a>," people tend to be attracted to those who are similar – not opposite – to themselves.</p>
<h2>I love how you're just like me</h2><p>Whether people <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.72.3.592" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">really find opposites more attractive</a> has been the subject of many scientific studies. Researchers have investigated what combination makes for better romantic partners – those who are similar, different, or opposite? Scientists call these three possibilities the homogamy hypothesis, the heterogamy hypothesis and the complementarity hypothesis, respectively.</p><p>The clear winner is homogamy. Since the 1950s, social scientists have conducted over 240 studies to determine whether similarity in terms of <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/h0045531" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">attitudes</a>, <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0146167291174010" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">personality traits</a>, <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.53.6.1052" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">outside interests</a>, <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/0022-1031(81)90009-3" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">values</a> and <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1540-4560.1976.tb02485.x" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">other characteristics</a> leads to attraction. In 2013, psychologists Matthew Montoya and Robert Horton examined the <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407512452989" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">combined results of these studies</a> in what's called a meta-analysis. They found an irrefutable association between being similar to and being interested in the other person.</p><p>In other words, there is clear and convincing evidence that birds of a feather flock together. For human beings, the attractiveness of similarity is so strong that it is found <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2009.01217.x" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">across cultures</a>.</p><p>Because similarity is associated with attraction, it makes sense that individuals in committed relationships tend to be alike in many ways. Sometimes this is called <a href="http://doi.org/10.1177/0192513x12459020" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">assortative mating</a>, although this term is more often used to describe the ways in which people with similar levels of educational attainment, financial means and <a href="http://doi.org/10.2307/2786870" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">physical appearance</a> tend to pair up.</p><p>None of this necessarily means that opposites don't attract. Both the homogamy hypothesis and the complementarity hypothesis could be true. So is there scientific support that opposites might attract at least some of the time?</p>
<h2>Filling in my weak spots with your strengths</h2><p>Love stories often include people finding partners who seem to have traits that they lack, like a good girl falling for a bad boy. In this way, they appear to complement one another. For example, one spouse might be outgoing and funny while the other is shy and serious. It's easy to see how both partners could view the other as ideal – one partner's strengths balancing out the other partner's weaknesses. In fact, one could imagine the friends and relatives of a shy person trying to set them up with an outgoing person to draw the shy one out. The question is whether people actually seek out complementary partners or if that just happens in the movies.</p><p>As it turns out, it's pure fiction. There is essentially no research evidence that differences in personality, interests, education, politics, upbringing, religion or other traits lead to greater attraction.</p><p>For example, in one study researchers found that college students preferred descriptions of mates whose written bios were <a href="https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.4.709" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">similar to themselves or their ideal self</a> over those described as complementing themselves. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167298243004" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Other studies</a> have supported this finding. For example, <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/h0031699" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">introverts are no more attracted to extraverts</a> than they are to anyone else.</p>
<h2>Why are we so sure opposites attract?</h2><p>Despite the overwhelming evidence, why does the myth of heterogamy endure? There are probably a few factors at work here.</p><p>First, <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0096-1523.24.5.1315" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">contrasts tend to stand out</a>. Even if the partners in a couple match on tons of characteristics, they may end up arguing about the <a href="https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/acceptance-and-change-in-couple-therapy-andrew-christensen/1103810614?ean=9780393702903" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">ways in which they are different</a>.</p><p>Beyond that, there's evidence that <a href="http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/h0044134" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">small differences</a> between spouses can become larger over time. In their self-help book "<a href="https://www.guilford.com/books/Reconcilable-Differences/Christensen-Doss-Jacobson/9781462502431" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Reconcilable Differences</a>," psychologists Andrew Christensen, Brian Doss and Neil Jacobson describe how partners move into roles that are complementary over time.</p><p>For example, if one member of a couple is slightly more humorous than the other, the couple may settle into a pattern in which the slightly-more-funny spouse claims the role of "the funny one" while the slightly-less-funny spouse slots into the role of "the serious one." Scientists have demonstrated that, yes, partners <a href="http://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2001.tb00038.x" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">grow more complementary over time</a>; while they may begin as quite alike, they find ways to differentiate themselves by degree.</p><p>In the end, people's attraction to differences is vastly outweighed by our attraction to similarities. People persist in thinking opposites attract – when in reality, relatively similar partners just become a bit more complementary as time goes by.<img src="https://counter.theconversation.com/content/88839/count.gif?distributor=republish-lightbox-basic" alt="The Conversation"></p><p><a href="https://theconversation.com/profiles/matthew-d-johnson-254463" target="_blank">Matthew D. Johnson</a>, Chair & Professor of Psychology and Director of the Marriage and Family Studies Laboratory, <em><a href="https://theconversation.com/institutions/binghamton-university-state-university-of-new-york-2252" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Binghamton University, State University of New York</a></em></p><p>This article is republished from <a href="https://theconversation.com/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">The Conversation</a> under a Creative Commons license. Read the <a href="https://theconversation.com/no-opposites-do-not-attract-88839" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">original article</a>.</p>
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