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How to flirt: 7 tips backed by science
When it comes to flirting, love meters have nothing on these researchers' findings.
- Flirting is an important part of life. It can be a fun, adventurous way to meet others and develop intimate relationships.
- Many people find flirting to be an anxiety-ridden experience, but science can help us discover principles to be more relaxed while flirting.
- Smiling and eye contact are proven winners, while pick-up lines are a flirty fallacy.
Flirting is a universal part of human life. As social animals, we require a natural way to express sexual interest in others and promote ourselves as worthy partners. This is why flirtatious behaviors appear in every culture in some form. Without it, our species would be in reproductive gridlock.
But then why does flirting make some of us so darn anxious?
Flirting is tied to the limbic system, those ancient parts of the human brain that control survival-based drives, such as sexuality and all the emotions that come with it. Here, flirtation is less a social skill and more an impulsive behavior that takes our intellect hostage. A flirt-or-flight response.
But flirting isn't entirely instinctual either. It's also governed by cultural rules and social etiquette. Breaking these rules, an embarrassing rejection, or pursuing affection at an inappropriate time can lead to a loss of social capital that can be hard to recover.
Stuck between the instinctual and social, it's no wonder that people feel at odds with themselves when it comes to the art of the flirt.
While we can't rewire the limbic system to be less overbearing, we can study this evolutionary equation and gather tips to help us become more comfortable in our own hormonal skin. Here are seven keys to flirting, according to science
The Hireling Shepherd (1851) by William Holman Hunt.
(Photo by: Picturenow/UIG via Getty Images)
It's the well-intentioned platitude of mothers everywhere: "You just need to be yourself. Be confident." It's also the best and worst advice for flirting. Self-confidence is a prerequisite to many of the techniques mentioned below (see eye contact). Yet, it's easier to say be confident than to be it.
Dr. Ivan Joseph, author of the book You Got This: Mastering the Skill of Self-Confidence, doesn't consider self-confidence an inherent personality trait. As that title suggests, he views it as a skill that anyone can develop.
Joseph argues there are several habits you can adopt to foster self-confidence. He points to repetition (successful flirts are the ones who flirt), self-affirmation (believing in your value as a person), and the power of positive reinforcement (learning to recognize positive qualities you can bring to a relationship).
"If I could give you one thing to take from this [talk], it is no one will believe in you unless you do," Dr. Ivan Joseph said during his TED talk.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you; Weep, and you weep alone." Ella Wheeler Wilcox may not have known it while writing Poems of Passion and Solitude, but she unlocked a secret to being a fantastic flirter: smile.
Smiling triggers two psychological phenomena in people. The first is self-perception theory. As noted by Professors Simone Schnall and James D. Laird of Clark University, self-perception theory posits that if you act as though you are experiencing a certain emotion, you will feel that emotion. "In that sense, feelings are the consequences of behavior, not the causes: We feel happy because we smile, and angry because we scowl," they write.
Want to enjoy flirting? Smile.
The second phenomenon is emotional contagion. Happy people are more approachable, more attractive, and more enjoyable to be in relationships with because their happiness infects us. Morose people, in contrast, bring others down and are anything but approachable when moping in a corner.
Want others to enjoy flirting back? Smile.
Cafe Rendezvous (1868) by James Tissot.
(Photo by: Picturenow/UIG via Getty Images)
Compliment someone's shoes, and they'll be flattered you approve of their style. Stare at someone's shoes, and they may wonder exactly what is the object of your affection. Best look them in the eyes to avoid confusion.
In a study published in the Journal of Research in Personality, participants were paired with strangers of the opposite sex. They were then asked to either stare at the strangers' hands, gaze into their eyes, or count their eye blinks. Participants who gazed into each other's eyes reported higher feelings of affection and liking.
But some of us feel more comfortable staring at the Sun than making eye contact with an attractive other. Thankfully Jodi Schulz, an extension educator at Michigan State University, provides some pointers.
She endorses the 50/70 rule—that is, maintaining eye contact 50 percent of the time while speaking and 70 percent while listening. To prevent awkward staring, she also recommends glancing to the side occasionally. The movement should be slow and deliberate. Move your eyes quickly and you look nervous, while glancing downward signals a lack of confidence.
Schulz's pointers are for eye contact in everyday situations, but they provide a useful benchmark to get started. As the above study suggests, if the frequency, intensity, and duration of the eye contact intensifies naturally, it's a good sign you've moved from the friendly to the flirtatious.
Your smile is playful, and your eyes are engaged, but there's still the rest of you to consider. Body language is an essential component to communication and, like smiling, plays an important role in self-perception and emotional contagion.
Jean Smith, a social and cultural anthropologist who studies flirting, advises approaching people with an open body. Don't cross your arms and make sure your shoulders are facing the person.
Body language can also help you tell if the person returns your interest. If their feet are pointing at you, Smith says, then you have their attention. If they are pointed to the side away from you, they are subconsciously planning their escape route.
Humor is a congenial flirting technique. According to Jean Smith, laughter indicates attraction and, whether you are telling the joke or guffawing along, stimulates our brains to produce oxytocin, "a liking enhancer."
Oxytocin is produced in the hypothalamus, a part of the limbic system. It is also released during sex and plays a role in childbirth and nursing—so we see again how the social and instinctual are closely tied together in the human brain.
However, Smith does share a word of warning regarding humorous flirting: "This is where people often get it wrong, because they want to attract everybody. But no. You just want to attract those people who match with you."
A shared sense of humor, Smith points out, is a great measure for such matches.
Pick-up line prohibition
"Are you a parking ticket? Because you've got fine written all over you." There's a reason pick-up lines like these are the punchlines of uninspired jokes and lame memes. They're. The. Worst.
According to a study in the journal Sex Roles, both men and women found pick-up lines to be the least desirable way to start a flirtatious conversation.
While both sexes agreed pick-up lines are lame, they differed on the best way to begin a conversation. On average men preferred the direct approach, while women preferred innocuous, indirect conversation starters.
Learn to recognize how others flirt
The Constant Nymph, The annoying Kiss (1927) by Chole Preston.
(Photo by De Agostini via Getty Images)
Learning to recognize the signs of flirting can help you garner the confidence to flirt back or understand when the object of your attraction isn't interested. Unfortunately, we're all bad at this. On average, neither men nor women can recognize flirting, but both sexes are exceptionally good at recognizing when people aren't into them.
This mental blind spot is likely a way for us to manage social etiquette. If you don't recognize someone flirting with you, you lose nothing; however, if you misinterpret someone's interest, you run the risk of being perceived as crass, lacking in social grace, or being plain embarrassed.
Smith already taught us how to read feet and open body language, but there are other telltale signs. One study found that men are more likely to use dominance signals through body orientation, such as taking up space or leaning in. Meanwhile, women tend to engage in body presentation, by accentuating physical features through posture, twirling their hair, or caressing their lips or neck.
People are also more likely to flirt in locations that are sociable, such as gathering places for those with shared interest or those that, of course, serve alcohol.
Flirting with rejection
You may have noticed that a lot of these tips deal less with promoting one's self than they do with engaging with others. Smiling, humor, and body language all create connections through psychology that make others enjoy your presence as much as they promote your search for intimacy.
Not only does this take the pressure off flirting, but it also numbs the sting of rejection.
Dr. Smith sums it up nicely: "When we think about flirting like this, it totally changes our paradigm of rejection. And in situations where we're often feeling self-conscious or a bit nervous, we have scientific tools to help us remember what to do. And finally, it makes it not about us."
So go out, have fun, and make some connections. If you manage that, the survival of the species should work itself out.
Dr. Helen Fisher: Why casual sex doesn't exist
Higher education faces challenges that are unlike any other industry. What path will ASU, and universities like ASU, take in a post-COVID world?
- Everywhere you turn, the idea that coronavirus has brought on a "new normal" is present and true. But for higher education, COVID-19 exposes a long list of pernicious old problems more than it presents new problems.
- It was widely known, yet ignored, that digital instruction must be embraced. When combined with traditional, in-person teaching, it can enhance student learning outcomes at scale.
- COVID-19 has forced institutions to understand that far too many higher education outcomes are determined by a student's family income, and in the context of COVID-19 this means that lower-income students, first-generation students and students of color will be disproportionately afflicted.
What conditions of the new normal were already appreciated widely?<p>First, we understand that higher education is unique among industries. Some industries are governed by markets. Others are run by governments. Most operate under the influence of both markets and governments. And then there's higher education. Higher education as an "industry" involves public, private, and for-profit universities operating at small, medium, large, and now massive scales. Some higher education industry actors are intense specialists; others are adept generalists. Some are fantastically wealthy; others are tragically poor. Some are embedded in large cities; others are carefully situated near farms and frontiers.</p> <p>These differences demonstrate just some of the complexities that shape higher education. Still, we understand that change in the industry is underway, and we must be active in directing it. Yet because of higher education's unique (and sometimes vexing) operational and structural conditions, many of the lessons from change management and the science of industrial transformation are only applicable in limited or highly modified ways. For evidence of this, one can look at various perspectives, including those that we have offered, on such topics as <a href="https://www.insidehighered.com/digital-learning/blogs/rethinking-higher-education/lessons-disruption" target="_blank">disruption</a>, <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/20/education/learning/education-technology.html" target="_blank">technology management</a>, and so-called "<a href="https://www.insidehighered.com/sites/default/server_files/media/Excerpt_IHESpecialReport_Growing-Role-of-Mergers-in-Higher-Ed.pdf" target="_blank">mergers and acquisitions</a>" in higher education. In each of these spaces, the "market forces" and "market rules" for higher education are different than they are in business, or even in government. This has always been the case and it is made more obvious by COVID-19.</p> <p>Second, with so much excitement about innovation in higher education, we sometimes lose sight of the fact that students are—and should remain—the core cause for innovation. Higher education's capacity to absorb new ideas is strong. But the ideas that endure are those designed to benefit students, and therefore society. This is important to remember because not all innovations are designed with students in mind. The recent history of innovation in higher education includes several cautionary tales of what can happen when institutional interests—or worse, <a href="https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2016/02/09/apollos-new-owners-seek-fresh-start-beleaguered-company" target="_blank">shareholder</a> interests—are placed above student well-being.</p>
Photo: Getty Images<p>Third, it is abundantly apparent that universities must leverage technology to increase educational quality and access. The rapid shift to delivering an education that complies with social distancing guidelines speaks volumes about the adaptability of higher education institutions, but this transition has also posed unique difficulties for colleges and universities that had been slow to adopt digital education. The last decade has shown that online education, implemented effectively, can meet or even surpass the quality of in-person <a href="https://link-springer-com.ezproxy1.lib.asu.edu/article/10.1007/s10639-019-10027-z" target="_blank">instruction</a>.</p><p>Digital instruction, broadly defined, leverages online capabilities and integrates adaptive learning methodologies, predictive analytics, and innovations in instructional design to enable increased student engagement, personalized learning experiences, and improved learning outcomes. The ability of these technologies to transcend geographic barriers and to shrink the marginal cost of educating additional students makes them essential for delivering education at scale.</p><p>As a bonus, and it is no small thing given that they are the core cause for innovation, students embrace and enjoy digital instruction. It is their preference to learn in a format that leverages technology. This should not be a surprise; it is now how we live in all facets of life.</p><p>Still, we have only barely begun to conceive of the impact digital education will have. For example, emerging virtual and augmented reality technologies that facilitate interactive, hands-on learning will transform the way that learners acquire and apply new knowledge. Technology-enabled learning cannot replace the traditional college experience or ensure the survival of any specific college, but it can enhance student learning outcomes at scale. This has always been the case, and it is made more obvious by COVID-19.</p>
What conditions of the new normal were emerging suspicions?<p>Our collective thinking about the role of institutional or university-to-university collaboration and networking has benefitted from a new clarity in light of COVID-19. We now recognize more than ever that colleges and universities must work together to ensure that the American higher education system is resilient and sufficiently robust to meet the needs of students and their families.</p> <p>In recent weeks, various commentators have suggested that higher education will face a wave of institutional <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com/scott-galloway-predicts-colleges-will-close-due-to-pandemic-2020-5" target="_blank">closures</a> and consolidations and that large institutions with significant online instruction capacity will become dominant.</p> <p>While ASU is the largest public university in the United States by enrollment and among the most well-equipped in online education, we strongly oppose "let them fail" mindsets. The strength of American higher education relies on its institutional diversity, and on the ability of colleges and universities to meet the needs of their local communities and educate local students. The needs of learners are highly individualized, demanding a wide range of options to accommodate the aspirations and learning styles of every kind of student. Education will become less relevant and meaningful to students, and less responsive to local needs, if institutions of higher learning are allowed to fail. </p> <p>Preventing this outcome demands that colleges and universities work together to establish greater capacity for remote, distributed education. This will help institutions with fewer resources adapt to our new normal and continue to fulfill their mission of serving students, their families, and their communities. Many had suspected that collaboration and networking were preferable over letting vulnerable colleges fail. COVID-19's new normal seems to be confirming this.</p>
President Barack Obama delivers the commencement address during the Arizona State University graduation ceremony at Sun Devil Stadium May 13, 2009 in Tempe, Arizona. Over 65,000 people attended the graduation.
Photo by Joshua Lott/Getty Images<p>A second condition of the new normal that many had suspected to be true in recent years is the limited role that any one university or type of university can play as an exemplar to universities more broadly. For decades, the evolution of higher education has been shaped by the widespread imitation of a small number of elite universities. Most public research universities could benefit from replicating Berkeley or Michigan. Most small private colleges did well by replicating Williams or Swarthmore. And all universities paid close attention to Harvard, Princeton, MIT, Stanford, and Yale. It is not an exaggeration to say that the logic of replication has guided the evolution of higher education for centuries, both in the US and abroad.</p><p>Only recently have we been able to move beyond replication to new strategies of change, and COVID-19 has confirmed the legitimacy of doing so. For example, cases such as <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2020/03/10/harvard-moves-classes-online-advises-students-stay-home-after-spring-break-response-covid-19/" target="_blank">Harvard's</a> eviction of students over the course of less than one week or <a href="https://www.nhregister.com/news/coronavirus/article/Mayor-New-Haven-asks-for-coronavirus-help-Yale-15162606.php" target="_blank">Yale's apparent reluctance</a> to work with the city of New Haven, highlight that even higher education's legacy gold standards have limits and weaknesses. We are hopeful that the new normal will include a more active and earnest recognition that we need many types of universities. We think the new normal invites us to rethink the very nature of "gold standards" for higher education.</p>
A graduate student protests MIT's rejection of some evacuation exemption requests.
Photo: Maddie Meyer/Getty Images<p>Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we had started to suspect and now understand that America's colleges and universities are among the many institutions of democracy and civil society that are, by their very design, incapable of being sufficiently responsive to the full spectrum of modern challenges and opportunities they face. Far too many higher education outcomes are determined by a student's family income, and in the context of COVID-19 this means that lower-income students, first-generation students and students of color will be disproportionately afflicted. And without new designs, we can expect postsecondary success for these same students to be as elusive in the new normal, as it was in the <a href="http://pellinstitute.org/indicators/reports_2019.shtml" target="_blank">old normal</a>. This is not just because some universities fail to sufficiently recognize and engage the promise of diversity, this is because few universities have been designed from the outset to effectively serve the unique needs of lower-income students, first-generation students and students of color.</p>
Where can the new normal take us?<p>As colleges and universities face the difficult realities of adapting to COVID-19, they also face an opportunity to rethink their operations and designs in order to respond to social needs with greater agility, adopt technology that enables education to be delivered at scale, and collaborate with each other in order to maintain the dynamism and resilience of the American higher education system.</p> <p>COVID-19 raises questions about the relevance, the quality, and the accessibility of higher education—and these are the same challenges higher education has been grappling with for years. </p> <p>ASU has been able to rapidly adapt to the present circumstances because we have spent nearly two decades not just anticipating but <em>driving</em> innovation in higher education. We have adopted a <a href="https://www.asu.edu/about/charter-mission-and-values" target="_blank">charter</a> that formalizes our definition of success in terms of "who we include and how they succeed" rather than "<a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2019/10/17/forget-varsity-blues-madness-lets-talk-about-students-who-cant-afford-college/" target="_blank">who we exclude</a>." We adopted an entrepreneurial <a href="https://president.asu.edu/read/higher-logic" target="_blank">operating model</a> that moves at the speed of technological and social change. We have launched initiatives such as <a href="https://www.instride.com/how-it-works/" target="_blank">InStride</a>, a platform for delivering continuing education to learners already in the workforce. We developed our own robust technological capabilities in ASU <a href="https://edplus.asu.edu/" target="_blank">EdPlus</a>, a hub for research and development in digital learning that, even before the current crisis, allowed us to serve more than 45,000 fully online students. We have also created partnerships with other forward-thinking institutions in order to mutually strengthen our capabilities for educational accessibility and quality; this includes our role in co-founding the <a href="https://theuia.org/" target="_blank">University Innovation Alliance</a>, a consortium of 11 public research universities that share data and resources to serve students at scale. </p> <p>For ASU, and universities like ASU, the "new normal" of a post-COVID world looks surprisingly like the world we already knew was necessary. Our record breaking summer 2020 <a href="https://asunow.asu.edu/20200519-sun-devil-life-summer-enrollment-sets-asu-record" target="_blank">enrollment</a> speaks to this. What COVID demonstrates is that we were already headed in the right direction and necessitates that we continue forward with new intensity and, we hope, with more partners. In fact, rather than "new normal" we might just say, it's "go time." </p>
Check out these mysterious optical illusions that affect our visual perception.
- Troxler's effect or "fading" causes images to disappear from your field of vision.
- Scientists don't have a full understanding yet of how this works.
- The effect is linked to the way neurons are adapted by the visual system.
THE LILAC CHASER<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMDU1OTgyOC9vcmlnaW4uZ2lmIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYyMjg0OTI5Mn0.Bha6hEz63mh7MzwjAz9uL0Sgk3xD9N7ALTk9acWjW5M/img.gif?width=980" id="94559" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="a6fa6ecc96de1cc55da7f3191c8fa086" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />
Look at the black cross at the center of the image and the spots in this "lilac chaser" illusion will fade away in a few seconds. A grey background and the cross will remain unless you are among those who will also see a moving blue-green spot. You might even notie a bunch of green spots when you move your eyes away after a while.
HOW DOES IT WORK?<p>Research indicates the effect is related to how neurons important for perceiving stimuli are adapted by the visual system. Unchanging stimuli will eventually disappear from our awareness while our mind will fill the areas where they used to be with the background information (or color). A <strong>"sensory fading" </strong>or<strong> "filling-in"</strong> is linked to <em><strong>saccades</strong></em> – involuntary eye movements that happen even when the gaze appears settled. If we fixate on a point, an unmoving image or scene would fade from view in a few seconds thanks to the "<em>local neural adaptation </em>of the <em>rods, cones</em> and <em>ganglion cells</em> in the retina," <a href="https://www.illusionsindex.org/i/troxler-effect" target="_blank">explains the Illusions Index.</a> </p><p>The effect is made stronger if the stimulus image is low contrast or blurred. </p><p>While <a href="https://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S0042698905006693" target="_blank">studies</a> showed the effect doesn't only occur in the eyes but partially in the brain, there's not yet a definitive explanation for everything involved in this unusual visual phenomenon. </p>
Another example image of the Troxler effect. Look at the center of the image for about 10 seconds.
And another fun example:<span style="display:block;position:relative;padding-top:56.25%;" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="1c95efc4dbb1d807658af68ed6261020"><iframe type="lazy-iframe" data-runner-src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/c6j4ftoJzj8?rel=0" width="100%" height="auto" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" style="position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;"></iframe></span>
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