11 Esther Perel quotes that set the record straight on love and sex
The Belgian psychotherapist has a lot to teach us.
- The idea of the "one" sets us up for unrealistic expectations.
- Communication relies on honest conversation and plenty of listening.
- Change yourself, Perel writes, don't try to change your partner.
I discovered Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel when she was featured in the NY Times in 2014. Only then did I backtrack and read her 2006 bestseller, Mating in Captivity. The book resonated at time when I was just meeting the woman who would become my wife. Perel's frankness was a refreshing break from the normal Angeleno fabrications passing for romance I was accustomed to.
Perel never minces words, such as when she writes:
Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.
This is no paradox, but part of our biological inheritance. Perel recognizes that romance is possible inside of marriage, even after decades of wedlock, but we have to work at it at every turn. It requires emotional intelligence and intellectual maturity, the ability to be honest about your desires and faults, and constant communication with your partner, should you choose monogamy.
Below are 11 quotes from this incredible woman's career. Fortunately for us, her star has only grown brighter, for it is a guide we can surely use in a time when communication systems seem to fail us more often than not.
A working definition of love
"It's a verb. That's the first thing. It's an active engagement with all kinds of feelings—positive ones and primitive ones and loathsome ones. But it's a very active verb. And it's often surprising how it can kind of ebb and flow. It's like the moon. We think it's disappeared, and suddenly it shows up again. It's not a permanent state of enthusiasm." [New Yorker]
There is no "one"
"There is never 'the one.' There is a one that you choose and with whom you decide that you want to build something. But in my opinion, there could also have been others. There is no one and only. There is the one you pick and what you choose to build with that person." [Business Insider]
Communication is key
"Listen. Just listen. You don't have to agree. Just see if you can understand that there's another person who has a completely different experience of the same reality." [Well and Good]
How to argue smarter
"It's natural that people argue. It's part of intimacy. But you have to have a good system of repair. You need to be able to go back, if you've lost it, which happens, and say 'I bought in my dirty tricks, I'm sorry', or 'You know what, I realized I didn't hear a single word you said because I was so upset, can we talk about it again?'" [Elle]
Sex… in the right room
"I worked with so many couples that improved dramatically in the kitchen, and it did nothing for the bedroom. But if you fix the sex, the relationship transforms." [The Guardian]
The psychology of cheating
"One of the great discoveries and surprises in my research for The State of Affairs was to notice that people would come and say, "I love my partner; I'm having an affair." That sometimes people even in satisfying relationships also stray—and they don't stray because they are rejecting their relationship or because they are reacting to their relationship. They often stray not because they want to find another person but because they want to reconnect with a different version of themselves. It isn't so much that they want to leave the person that they are with as much as sometimes they want to leave the person that they have themselves become." [Big Think]
"Sexually powerful men don't harass, they seduce. It's the insecure men who need to use power in order to leverage the insecurity and the inaccessibility or the unavailability of the women. Women fear rape, and men fear humiliation." [Recode]
"I have never really participated in the notion that men don't talk, men can't talk about their pains. I mean, they have a different way of going about it. Sometimes they need more time, and you just have to shut up and wait—be quiet. And if you don't interrupt, it will come." [The New Yorker]
Sustaining desire in a committed relationship
"At the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs. On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence. On the other hand, for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected. Rather than viewing this tension between the erotic and the domestic as a problem to solve, I suggest you view it as a paradox to manage." [TED]
The problem with frankness
"Ours is a culture that reveres the ethos of absolute frankness and elevates truth-telling to moral perfection. Other cultures believe that when everything is out in the open and ambiguity is done away with, it may not increase intimacy, but compromise it." [The Fullest]
"If all else fails, get off social media for a few days...or weeks. The time away will help you realize that striving to be someone else is a frustrating experience. Instead, focus on being the very best version of you and staying grounded in the here and now of your own life." [Cosmopolitan]
Researchers documented the most common negative side effects of smoking weed, and who might be most susceptible.
- A team of researchers identified a total of 26 possible adverse reactions to cannabis use.
- Coughing fits, anxiety, and paranoia are among the top three most common adverse reactions to smoking weed.
- It was the people who smoke on a less frequent basis who were more likely to have had the bad experiences.
The most common adverse effects of pot<p>As it turns out, coughing fits are among the top three most common adverse reactions to cannabis use, along with anxiety and paranoia, according to a new study published in the <em>Journal</em><a href="https://jcannabisresearch.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s42238-019-0013-x" target="_blank"><em> of Cannabis Research</em></a>. </p><p>Now that weed is legal in the state, a team of researchers at Washington State University sought to document potential negative reactions to cannabis in order to paint a detailed picture of the effects of smoking weed for newbies. The authors surveyed more than 1,500 college students on the specific type and frequency of adverse reactions they had experienced while using pot. Additionally, the students in the study were surveyed about their demographics, personality traits, reasons for using cannabis and their use patterns. </p><p>Despite marijuana's <a href="https://bigthink.com/sex-relationships/marijuana-sex" target="_self">numerous benefits</a>, the team identified a total of <a href="https://jcannabisresearch.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s42238-019-0013-x/tables/2" target="_blank">26 possible adverse reactions to</a> the drug. More than half of the study participants reported having coughing fits along with anxiety and/or paranoia while using cannabis. The most frequently occuring of these were the coughing fits, along with chest/lung discomfort and body humming. A subset of the study group reported these reactions occurring around 30–40% of the time they were using pot. On the flip side, the three <em>least</em>-commonly reported reactions to cannabis use were fainting, visual hallucinations and cold sweats. </p><p>"There's been surprisingly little research on the prevalence or frequency of various adverse reactions to cannabis and almost no research trying to predict who is more likely to experience these types of adverse reactions," <a href="https://news.wsu.edu/2020/03/30/new-research-sheds-light-potentially-negative-effects-cannabis/" target="_blank">said Carrie Cuttler</a>, assistant professor of psychology and an author on the paper, according to WSU News. "With the legalization of cannabis in Washington and 10 other states, we thought it would be important to document some of this information so that more novice users would have a better sense of what types of adverse reactions they may experience if they use cannabis."</p><p>The most distressing of the 26 negative reactions were panic attacks, fainting, and vomiting. Yet, the survey data suggested that cannabis users generally do not find even acute adverse reactions to cannabis to be severely distressing.</p>
What causes a bad reaction?<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMjkwOTEwOC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYyNTQ5MDQ2Mn0.S2Pkbh3VAgB4Gk5tkavamMv0_4t76dg65yGWpCHG17U/img.jpg?width=1245&coordinates=0%2C1872%2C0%2C1252&height=700" id="dee45" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="df6e30ecae156ba0012f4773a374800c" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" />
Tea and coffee have known health benefits, but now we know they can work together.
Credit: NIKOLAY OSMACHKO from Pexels
- A new study finds drinking large amounts of coffee and tea lowers the risk of death in some adults by nearly two thirds.
- This is the first study to suggest the known benefits of these drinks are additive.
- The findings are great, but only directly apply to certain people.
Maybe you should enjoy this article with a cup of coffee or tea.<p> The <a href="https://drc.bmj.com/content/8/1/e001252?T=AU" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">study</a> involved 4,923 type 2 diabetics living in Japan. The average participant was 66 years old. All of the participants were taken from the rolls of the Fukuoka Diabetes Registry, a study geared at learning about the effects of new treatments and lifestyle changes on the health of diabetics. <br> <br> The participants filled out questionnaires concerning their health, diet, habits, and other factors. Among the questions were two focused on determining how much green tea or coffee, if any, the participants consumed over the course of a week. The health of the participants was recorded for five years. During this time, 309 of the test subjects died from a variety of causes. <br> <br> Subjects who drank more than one cup of tea or coffee per day demonstrated lower odds of dying than those who had none. Those who consumed the most tea and coffee, more than four and two cups a day, respectively, enjoyed the most significant reductions in their risk of death. This level of consumption was associated with a 40 percent lower risk of <a href="https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/10/201020190129.htm" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">death</a>. </p><p>Most interestingly, the effects of drinking tea and coffee appear to combine to reduce risk even further. Those who reported drinking two or three cups of tea a day and two or more cups of coffee were 51 percent less likely to die during the study, while those who drank a whopping four or more cups of tea and two or more cups of coffee had a 63 percent lower risk of <a href="https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/diabetes-coffee-and-green-tea-might-reduce-death-risk" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">death</a>. </p>
So, should I start swimming in a vat of coffee and green tea?<iframe width="730" height="430" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/LY0E-JQxeoY" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe><p> Not quite. </p><p> The primary takeaway from this study is that Japanese adults with type 2 diabetes who drink a lot of green tea and/or coffee die less often than similar people who do not. If this effect is caused by something in the drink, lifestyle choices people who drink that much tea all make, or something else remains unknown. The finding must be considered an association at this point. <br> <br> The eye-popping reductions in mortality rates are compared to the risk of death of others in the study. The people who died reported drinking less tea and coffee than those who lived. Unless you have several demographic and conditional similarities to the subjects of this study, you probably won't suddenly be at a two-thirds lower risk of death than your peers because you drink green tea. </p><p> Like all studies that depend on self-reporting, it is also possible that people misstated how much they consumed any one item. The study also did not look into other factors like socioeconomic status or education level, also known to impact death rates and potentially linked to coffee and tea consumption. </p><p> However, it is yet another study in the pile that suggests that <a href="https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/top-13-evidence-based-health-benefits-of-coffee" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">coffee</a> and <a href="https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/top-10-evidence-based-health-benefits-of-green-tea" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">green tea</a> are good for you. That much is increasingly <a href="https://www.health.harvard.edu/press_releases/health-benefits-linked-to-drinking-tea" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">agreed</a><a href="https://www.rush.edu/health-wellness/discover-health/health-benefits-coffee" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer"> upon</a>. This study also suggests the benefits are additive, which is a new development.</p><p><br> So, while it isn't time to start the IV drip of green tea, a cup or two probably won't <a href="https://www.webmd.com/diabetes/news/20201022/coffee-green-tea-might-extend-life-for-folks-with-type-2-diabetes" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">hurt</a>. </p>
But most city dwellers weren't seeing the science — they were seeing something out of Blade Runner.
On Sept. 9, many West Coast residents looked out their windows and witnessed a post-apocalyptic landscape: silhouetted cars, buildings and people bathed in an overpowering orange light that looked like a jacked-up sunset.