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Most People Have Mixed Feelings About Breaking Up Just Before They Do It
A new study shows that most people are surprisingly ambivalent about their decision to break up with their partner — even right before they do it.
11 September, 2017
SHUTTERSTOCK — designer491
The old question Should I stay or should I go now is apparently a more common conundrum than you might expect.
<p>A new <a href="https://www.researchgate.net/publication/318845364_Wanting_to_Stay_and_Wanting_to_Go_Unpacking_the_Content_and_Structure_of_Relationship_StayLeave_Decision_Processes" target="_blank">study</a> published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science suggests that most people are quite ambivalent when deciding whether to break up — even right before they do it.</p> <p>The study, led by <span>University of Utah sociologist Samantha Joel,</span> included two parts. First, researchers surveyed 447 people about their current and past relationships, asking questions like<span><em> “What are some reasons someone might give for wanting to stay with/leave a romantic partner?”</em> After analyzing the results, researchers <span>identified 27 distinct reasons for wanting to stay in a relationship and 23 for wanting to break up.</span></span></p> <p><span><span>In the second part of the study, researchers compiled those 50 reasons on a list and presented it to a group of new participants, all of whom were considering a breakup with their current partners. The group was asked to select from the list any reasons that factored into their decision-making process.</span></span></p> <p>Most participants selected reasons from both categories, indicating decision-making conflict, as researchers noted:</p> <blockquote>
<p><span>Many participants were simultaneously motivated to both stay in their relationships and leave, suggesting that ambivalence is a common experience for those who are thinking about ending their relationships.</span></p>
</blockquote> <p><span>The fact that breaking up with a long-term romantic partner is a tough decision isn't surprising, but what's interesting about the results is the exact reasons why people stay or leave. </span></p> <p><span>Regardless of marital status, these were the most cited reasons for wanting to break up: </span></p> <ul class="ee-ul"> </ul><li>emotional distance </li> <li>inequity (power imbalances) </li> <li>violations of expectations (cheating)</li> <li>issues with an aspect of their partner’s personality</li> <p>However, reasons for wanting to stay in a relationship differed depending on whether respondents were married. While non-married people reported wanting to stay their relationships because they still had fun with their partner or had cultivated a closeness with each other, married people cited more logistical reasons — they had already invested so much time, they shared a home, family responsibilities. </p> <p><img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xODM0MDQzOC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzNjQyNTAwMn0.mLmqDcwpUGPyOgw39xMTeJ5fmVziHQboT3BEHydP4RU/img.jpg?width=980" id="e2ac6" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="858f9189d89df492d06ba6bf5c03786e" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image"></p> <p>Another interesting find in the results is that ambivalence — both about staying and leaving — was highest among those with <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-choice/201511/what-is-attachment-anxiety" target="_blank">attachment anxiety</a>, which was measured with a questionaire that asked participants to rate their agreement with questions like “I worry that romantic partners won’t care about me as much as I care about them.” The researchers noted:</p> <blockquote>
<p>...the associations between stay<span class="ls48 ws2a8">/leave ambivalence and attach</span>ment anxiety may help to explain why anxiously attached individuals are particularly p<span class="ls170 ws2ab">rone to on-off relationships</span></p>
</blockquote> <p>Experiencing relationship ambivalence is more than simple indecision — it seems to be considerably unhealthy.</p> <div> </div><blockquote>
<p><span>...ambivalence predicts physiological arousal and negative emotions (van Harreveld et al., 2009), more thorough, careful processing of information (Maio, Bell, & Esses, 1996; Nordgren, van Harreveld, & van der Pligt, 2006), and greater susceptibility to persuasion (Armitage & Conner, 2000). Together, these literatures suggest that ambivalence over stay/leave decisions is likely to be unpleasant, difficult, and detrimental to the self.</span></p>
</blockquote> <p>Past research has tried to identify the things in relationships that predictably lead to breakups. This new study is unique because it analyzes the actual decision-making processes behind breakups as they occur.</p> <div> </div><blockquote>
<p><span>Future research should examine how people ultimately resolve these conflicting pressures, as well as the consequences that they may have for health and well-being.</span></p>
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