What does it mean to be healthy? Is it to walk at least 10,000 steps a day, get eight hours of sleep, and drink lots of water – or could simply meeting up with friends be the medicine you need?

It’s commonly known how important exercise is to our physical and mental health, but recent studies have shown the detrimental effects of a lack of social activity on our bodies. Research indicates that loneliness can be as dangerous as smoking, increasing the risk of premature death by as much as 29%.

As the author of The Art and Science of Connection, a public speaker, a consultant and a pioneering voice in the study of social health, Kasley Killam aims to educate people on the integration and importance of social exercise in our daily regimens. Here’s what she recommends.

Don’t underestimate social health

The best way to think of social health is not as a new fad or workout plan, but more like the missing third ingredient of holistic well-being that sits beside mental and physical health.  

“Social health is about recognizing that health is physical, mental and social,” says Killam, who holds a Master of Public Health degree from the Harvard School of Public Health. “Our relationships are influencing our long-term health and our longevity as much as things like exercising and getting a good night’s sleep…and the research is clear that we can’t be healthy if we lack a sense of community and connectedness.”

Relationships and meaningful connections act as a buffer between us and the stresses of our lives. When we have a support system around us, we process emotions and problems better. In turn, this strengthens our brain and body’s resilience.

Reverse your negative mindset

Don’t be your own enemy when entering a social situation. If you think an interaction will bomb before it’s even started, it likely will. “Someone who feels disconnected that goes into a social interaction with their guard up, they feel more anxious and hyper-vigilant,” says Killam. “That may make them come across more negatively and cause the very thing they were worried about because they’re coming from a mindset of limiting beliefs.”

Be your own cheerleader and manifest success in potential social relationships. Rather than letting a self-conscious mindset produce awkward social cues, go in with absolute certainty that it will succeed. And know this: over 50% of the American population has felt isolated (with Gen Z being the loneliest age group), so you’re not alone.

“If you go into a social opportunity believing the other person is going to like you, feeling confident about who you are, that’s going to empower you to be more open and receptive to connecting in a way that helps you overcome loneliness,” explains Killam.

Love yourself with meditation

If you want others to like you, you need to like yourself first – which isn’t as simple as flicking a switch. Killam, who has experienced loneliness firsthand, found a positive connection to herself through meditation. “The first time I practiced self-compassion meditation, I was in my 20s and sitting on my couch…I bawled my eyes out,” she remembers.

Headspace, the popular mental wellbeing app, features guided self-compassion meditation for loneliness. They describe this form of mindfulness as a way to reject negative conditioning and put a stop to destructive inner voices. For Killam, it was transformative.

“I had never thought to turn the love and care that I very readily feel for other people toward myself,” she says. “It was so freeing to give myself permission to love and accept myself for who I am. By practicing that over time, I was better able to connect with other people.”

We interviewed Kasley Killam for The Science Of Perception Box, a Big Think interview series created in partnership with Unlikely Collaborators. As a creative non-profit organization, they’re on a mission to help people challenge their perceptions and expand their thinking. Often that growth can start with just a single unlikely question that makes you rethink your convictions and adjust your vantage point. Watch Killam’s full interview above, and visit Perception Box to see more in this series.

KASLEY KILLAM: From a very young age, we're programmed to think that the person who's by themselves is a loner. We project a story that perhaps they aren't likable or don't have what is needed to be embedded in a group. There's this stigma right off the bat that we learn growing up: if you're alone, something's wrong with you. So when we feel lonely, we're more likely to ruminate, catastrophize in social situations, and get caught up in negative thought patterns and beliefs that influence our behaviors, but they also affect our brains and bodies. However, we can broaden the Perception Box that you're living in, helping you feel more connected and overcome that isolated experience of loneliness.

My name's Kasley Killam. I am the author of The Art and Science of Connection, and I am an expert in social health. Our perceptions and the stories we tell ourselves about feeling lonely, in turn, change the behaviors we engage in with the world. Someone who feels disconnected enters social interactions with their guard up. They feel more anxious, are hypervigilant, and are a bit more self-conscious, which influences their interactions with others. This might make them come across more negatively and actually cause the very thing they were worried about: the interaction doesn’t go as well as they hoped because they’re coming from a mindset of limiting beliefs.

In contrast, if you go into a social opportunity believing that the other person is going to like you, feeling confident in who you are, and having a solid relationship with yourself, you'll be more open and receptive to connecting in a way that actually helps you overcome loneliness and develop more meaningful relationships.

The culture around us also shapes how we understand our experiences of loneliness and connection. In general, studies show that the more individualistic a culture, the lonelier people feel within that country. In contrast, in collectivistic cultures, people place greater emphasis on family and group harmony. Different norms and expectations shape how we relate to one another. People in more individualistic countries might feel more lonely but may have an easier time making new friends or branching out and joining new communities because there isn’t the same societal expectation to stay with their original family unit and friends. In contrast, when people experience loneliness in more collectivistic countries, they tend to have different health outcomes.

If you feel lonely and have grown up with societal expectations that you need to be connected to your family, it can create a mismatch between your feelings and the story in your head about what you should feel, which can result in worse health outcomes. Loneliness starts as a thought pattern or emotion that triggers a stress response in our body, associated with heightened levels of cortisol, more inflammation, and a weakened immune system, making us more susceptible to disease.

If we start to understand that health is not only physical and mental but also social, it will change our behaviors. We’ll seek out connection and prioritize friendship, community, and family because we know it's good for us. Our social lives are rewiring our brains and, in turn, changing the experience we have inside our bodies. We can see this in neuroscience research: in one study, people underwent mild electric shocks while looking at photos of either their romantic partner or a complete stranger. Researchers found that people looking at a photo of their romantic partner reported feeling less fearful, and brain activity in the regions associated with pain was lower. People's perception changes depending on whether they feel connected to another person.

Imagine that more broadly: if you have rich friendships, are embedded in your community, and have a strong sense of support, it will completely transform how you experience the world. Reacting to stressful life events and navigating the highs and lows that we all go through become more manageable if we have those core relationships to rely on for support.

Loneliness is not a reflection of who we are; it's a reflection of what we need. It's information; it's data. Being optimally socially healthy might look different for you than for someone else, depending on how much socializing you enjoy and what kinds of connections feel fulfilling to you. One of the most effective approaches to overcoming loneliness is addressing your thoughts and beliefs. Connection with yourself is as important as connection with others.

One way to develop a closer relationship with yourself as a foundation for connecting with others is through meditation. One practice I personally love is self-compassion meditation, where you focus the love you feel for others toward yourself. Before creating that solid foundation with myself, I struggled to be vulnerable and open up to my friends and loved ones. By feeling unconditional love for myself, I felt more comfortable opening up and being vulnerable. Research shows that to develop meaningful relationships, we need to be vulnerable; it creates trust and fosters emotional intimacy. By creating that solid foundation with myself, I was better poised to engage in more meaningful conversations with others.

One of the best ways to start connecting again is to help someone else by doing an act of service. Volunteer in your community. It's a beautiful way of broadening our thinking and seeing new opportunities, snapping us out of the mindset of loneliness and the negative feelings and thought patterns that often accompany it.

A lot of times, people don't feel lonely and may not identify with that experience, but there are other ways they can be socially healthy. Loneliness is just one sign of poor social health. Every person needs to prioritize their social health, whether or not they feel lonely.