Social anxiety: How to rewire your confidence
If you want to avoid conversation dead ends, remember to "turn" the conversation more than you "take it," says entrepreneur and author Andrew Horn.
- 60% of us are shy or socially anxious. But one mental exercise can change that statistic, says Andrew Horn.
- Learn the metamorphic two-step: It's a hypnosis mental technique that can help you name and tame your social anxiety.
- Awareness of your conversation dynamics can stop small talk from reaching an awkward dead end. Don't switch topics when the flow stalls; instead, go deeper and learn to "turn" a conversation, rather than just "take".
Andrew Horn: One of the most important aspects of meaningful conversation is listening. If you're asking important questions and not listening, you're not having a conversation at all; you are giving a soliloquy. So one of the easiest ways that we can practice active listening and avoid a conversation dead-end is to make sure that we are "turning" the conversation more than we're "taking" it.
So I'll give you a quick example. So my sister just comes back from Thailand and she says, "I had amazing trip. We went to the north and the beaches in the south." So here's what a "take" would sound like: it's like, "Oh I went to Thailand last year. We went to the beaches too." So do you see what you just did? You just directed that thing right into a dead-end, and now it's going to stop. So what a "turn" looks like is you get to say, "Oh wow I went to the beaches as well! What was your favorite part?" And so that simple turn shows them two things: that you heard what they said and that you care enough to ask a follow-up question. And I promise you that the best conversationalists always turn the conversation more than they take it. Because often times what happens is that it's not our first question that is going to get the answer or the depth that we desire, so if we commit to turning the conversation back three and four times we're going to peel off those layers and get more depth out of our conversations. So always remember turn the conversation more than you take it, and you're going to avoid those conversation dead ends.
When we move past asking better questions we move into the "metamorphic two-step". And this is all about presence. And presence is so important in conversation. You've all said this before, "She has such presence." "He has such presence." Presence is that embodied existence in the moment, it's when you're only responding and reacting to what's happening right now. There's no story from the past, there's no fear of the future, and it's a magical thing when we can create that in conversation. And one of the easiest ways to do that is something called the metamorphic two-step. And the metamorphic two-step is actually a hypnosis technique that will help you to identify how you want to feel in social situations. So I learned this from my friend Andrew who is a hypnotherapist here in New York City, he works with a lot of the Fortune 500 brands, the quickest growing startups. And basically what he talks about with some of these leaders is he helps them to identify where they have anxiety in their leadership roles and helps them to overcome that and really achieve peak performance. And so when I first met him, I said, "Okay so how would you use hypnosis to alleviate something like a social anxiety?" And so what he would tell me is he'd say, "Okay, so what I want you to do is think about a social situation where you might have some anxiety." And I would say, "Okay I'm going into a big tech conference with a bunch of really influential people and I might be nervous." And he'd say, "Articulate the undesired state of being. What is that?" And so I'd say, "I'm worried that I won't have anything to say, I'm worried that they won't think that I'm high up enough to actually care about what I'm going to say, I'm not going to add value."
And he'd say, "Great. Just by actually articulating the undesired state, you are naming it, and you're taming it. You're going to be more aware when those undesired states manifest and that's the first step." And so he said, "Step two is that you have to articulate the desired state of being." And our brains are really good at telling us what is going to go wrong in social situations because it wants to keep us safe; it wants people to like us. And this traces all the way back to caveman days where we were much more tribal, and if we were ostracized by the group we were going to get kicked out of the group and then it was a literal death sentence. And so our brain is still responding with that type of intensity to social ostracization. And so articulate the desired state of being.
One of the most common symptoms of starting out or being early in our career is shyness, is just these feelings of being intimidated, feeling unworthy. And we never talk about shyness because there's a taboo and we feel shame about it. Well guess what? The American Psychological Review just put out a study a couple of years ago, and they found out that 60 percent of all people identify as struggling with shyness or social anxiety. 60 percent! So if you struggle with that kind of intimidation, if you've had that self-critical internal dialogue you are in the majority, and so you need to be easy on yourself and say that those feelings are natural and they're ubiquitous. Everyone has those.
And so when we have those feelings we should notice that most times when we have that kind of intimidation factor, we feel unworthy, we're comparing ourselves to others, we're looking at other people and saying "Oh wow they're so much smarter than I am," or "Oh wow I'm never going to be that good." And so comparison is the thief of joy. If we're constantly comparing ourselves with other people we're not going to be able to enjoy the process, and it's going to be very hard to maintain the effort and energy that it takes to be really good at something. So what's more important, what's more effective to focus our energy on is what we want to be really good at and comparing ourselves with who we were yesterday.
If all we do is focus our attention on being better than we were the day before, we can live that process for the rest of our life. Because again, knowing who you are, what you care about and what you want to be is something that you'll keep defining for the rest of your life. But if you keep committing yourself to actually progressing, to getting better and if you can look at yourself a couple of years ago, a week ago, a couple of days ago and say, "Hey I'm smarter, I'm better, I'm learning," there's going to be fulfillment in that.
The new version's battery has a shorter range and a price $4,000 lower than the previous starting price.
- Tesla's new version of the Model 3 costs $45,000 and can travel 260 miles on one charge.
- The Model 3 is the best-selling luxury car in the U.S.
- Tesla still has yet to introduce a fully self-driving car, even though it once offered the capability as an option to be installed at a future date.
We all know sleeping with your ex is a bad idea, or is it?
- In the first study of its kind, researchers have found sex with an ex didn't prevent people from getting over their relationship.
- Instead of feeling worse about their breakup after a hookup, the new singles who attempted sexual contact with their ex reported feeling better afterwards.
- The findings suggest that not every piece of relationship advice is to be taken at face value.
Want a happy, satisfying relationship? Psychologists say the best way is to learn to take a joke.
- New research looks at how partners' attitudes toward humor affects the overall quality of a relationship.
- Out of the three basic types of people, people who love to be laughed at made for better partners.
- Fine-tuning your sense of humor might be the secret to a healthy, happy, and committed relationship.
Tiny and efficient, these biodegradable single cells show promise as a way to target hard-to-reach cancers.
- Scientists in Germany have found a potential improvement on the idea of bacteria delivering medicine.
- This kind of microtargeting could be useful in cancer treatments.
- The microswimmers are biodegradable and easy to produce.
Metin Sitti and colleagues at the Max Planck Institute in Germany recently demonstrated that tiny drugs could be attached to individual algae cells and that those algae cells could then be directed through body-like fluid by a magnetic field.
The results were recently published in Advanced Materials, and the paper as a whole offers up a striking portrait of precision and usefulness, perhaps loosely comparable in overall quality to recent work done by The Yale Quantum Institute. It begins by noting that medicine has been attached to bacteria cells before, but bacteria can multiply and end up causing more harm than good.
A potential solution to the problem seems to have been found in an algal cell: the intended object of delivery is given a different electrical charge than the algal cell, which helps attach the object to the cell. The movement of the algae was then tested in 2D and 3D. (The study calls this cell a 'microswimmer.') It would later be found that "3D mean swimming speed of the algal microswimmers increased more than twofold compared to their 2D mean swimming speed." The study continues —
More interestingly, 3D mean swimming speed of the algal microswimmers in the presence of a uniform magnetic field in the x-direction was approximately threefolds higher than their 2D mean swimming speed.
After the 2D and 3D speed of the algal was examined, it was then tested in something made to approximate human fluid, including what they call 'human tubal fluid' (think of the fallopian tubes), plasma, and blood. They then moved to test the compatibility of the microswimmer with cervical cancer cells, ovarian cancer cells, and healthy cells. They found that the microswimmer didn't follow the path of bacteria cells and create something toxic.
The next logical steps from the study include testing this inside a living organism in order to assess the safety of the procedure. Potential future research could include examining how effective this method of drug delivery could be in targeting "diseases in deep body locations," as in, the reproductive and gastrointestinal tracts.
It's hard to imagine such a number. But these images will help you try.
The Mega Millions lottery just passed $1 billion for tonight's drawing.
What does that even look like, when represented by various currencies?
It takes just 6 numbers to win. You can only, however, purchase tickets up until 10:45 ET tonight.
Our modern-day Kafka on his new novel Lake Success and the dark comedy that in 2018 pretty much writes itself
- riding the Greyhounds of hell, from New York to El Paso
- the alternate reality of hedge fund traders
Here's why the school you went to is less relevant than ever.
- Learning agility is the ability to learn new things quickly and be aware of the trends that are emerging in your industry. It's the most important job skill hiring managers should be looking for and job seekers should be putting forward, says Kelly Palmer.
- Want to test your learning agility? Answer this practice interview question: "What did you learn last week?"
- Hiring people based on the school they went to is less relevant than ever. Why? Palmer explains: "If I asked you, "Tell me about your health," and you told me you ran a marathon 10 years ago, does that really tell me what your health is like? Not really." It's what you can offer now and how agile you are that matters.
- Kelly Palmer is the author of The Expertise Economy.
By 2022, there may be as many as three artificial moons floating above the city of Chengdu.
- Chinese state media announced plans to put an artificial moon in orbit by 2020.
- Just like the real moon, the artificial moon will reflect sunlight onto the Earth in order to cut down on electricity consumption.
- If the mission is a success, there are plans to launch three other artificial moons in 2022.
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