Rachel Resnick on Rocky Relationships
Rachel Resnick is the author of the Los Angeles Times bestseller Go West Young F*cked-Up Chick and Love Junkie. She has published articles, essays, and celebrity-profile cover stories in the Los Angeles Times, Women's Health, and BlackBook, The Time of My Life, Damage Control, The Dictionary of Failed Relationships, The Best American Erotica 2004, Women on the Edge, L.A. Shorts, and Absolute Disaster. She is also a contributing editor at Tin House magazine. Resnick is the founder and CEO of Writers on Fire, provider of luxury writing retreats both in the United States and abroad.
Question: What kind of men attract love addicts?
Rachel Resnick: I think that being attracted to a certain kind of incredibly smart, charming, accomplished, but also dangerous and emotionally unavailable man was one of my [MOs]. I also had a huge weakness for full court press seduction, okay, because it was speedy, it was also fantastical, I think it fit in to the whole artist trip, you know, whether it was, let me whisk you off your feet, and the instant intensity, love at first sight, thinking that that was something that was true. So, there’s also a way that these kinds of relationships will address a depression, an underlying depression that I’ve certainly been diagnosed with many times. I’ve never taken any drugs for it and I thought I just have to work harder at it, blah, blah, but I was obviously medicating with myself with these kinds of relationships. Because when you get that instant hit where there’s fear because they unavailable emotionally or in whatever other way, you get that fear or pleasure, those are I believe the most powerful circuits in the brain, if you get them both activated and stimulated at the same time, someone who has a normal background would be a danger, danger, they’d run. For me, you know, someone like me, I feel alive finally and it’s like a jolt of electricity and think Frankenstein’s bride or something, really it’s like love as the perfect re-animator.
Question: Are women’s expectations too high for what they want in a partner?
Rachel Resnick: The main thing is that as a love addict, I was always looking outside myself for someone to complete me. What is that platonic story that originally we were two people fused into a ball that we kind of roll around, right. And just then there was this rupture, we split apart, we spend the rest of our time looking for our other half, okay? So, I think that in my case in was about not taking responsibility for fulfilling my own life. So, I think that’s at the root of the settling as well. If you’re not comfortable with yourself and satisfied with yourself and what you’re doing, there’s going to be something suspect in what you’re open to, and if you’re seeking already, I mean, in my case, I spend all my time seeking the one, the mythical one who would complete me and frankly who would address the weaknesses that I wasn’t addressing, whether it was creative, because that’s another, thing you know, addictive energy is creative energy, and addiction can also be seen as avoiding creative responsibility.
Recorded on: September 30, 2008.
Rachel Resnick on the problems of relationship hunting.