Topic: A land of broken marriages
Shmuley Boteach: Like I said I’m a child of divorce. I’ve spent my whole life trying to fight divorce and strengthen the bond between husband and wife. And I don’t know if we’re making a lot of progress there. Gosh. America is just a littered landscape of broken marriages, broken relationships. It’s really sad. We’re becoming a very lonely country. New York Times reported 51% of all women now live alone. I mean those are frightening statistics – that 51% of women now say that they’d rather be on their own than with a man, that means they’re really giving up on love. They’re just, you know, “I’ll live my own life. I mean I’ve tried this. It hasn’t worked out. I’ve only gotten heartache from relationships.”
Topic: A common problem
Shmuley Boteach: Let’s say a couple hasn’t made love in a year, which is very common. One out of three American couples are platonic. So most people would tell you, “Oh go to a hotel for the weekend. Buy sexy lingerie.” Well what if you’re not even motivated to do that? Or what if that’s just going through the motions? I mean what I do is I look at the erotic mind. Why . . . How could a man be in bed with a naked woman who is his wife and not feel excited? What changed in his mind, in his view, in his perception of her? And if we could alter it back to its original conditions, we could restore the attractions even if they never go to a hotel.
Topic: Doing it for yourself
Shmuley Boteach: I was counseling a husband and wife, and I said to this wife, “Be nice to your husband. Speak to him respectfully,” because she always yells at him and puts him down. And she says, “No way. I’m not gonna do that until he treats me better.” I said to her, “Well aside from the fact that if you’re both gonna wait for the other to start, this marriage is going to disintegrate,” I said, “Are you telling me you’ll only do the right thing if someone gives you an incentive? Aren’t you supposed to do the right thing no matter what, even if it has no impact? Even if he doesn’t deserve it? It’s not for him! It’s for you! You want to be a good person, don’t you? You’re not becoming good for him. Don’t let him make you into a person that you don’t wanna be.”
Recorded on: 09/05/2007
Discuss
Ronda Kennedy on January 8, 2008, 6:14 PM
Wow that is awesome! I totally agree. Love is a choice you make and sometimes you have to remind your self to make that choice when the chips get hard
Heather Wright on January 8, 2008, 6:21 PM
While I appreciate the comments on treating others with respect and kindness, I am not in agreement that the 51% of women who live alone have given up on love. I think that this is more a representation of society accepting different roles for women as well as women viewing different options for themselves.
Ronda Kennedy on January 8, 2008, 11:14 PM
Wow that is awesome! I totally agree. Love is a choice you make and sometimes you have to remind your self to make that choice when the chips get hard
Heather Wright on January 8, 2008, 11:21 PM
While I appreciate the comments on treating others with respect and kindness, I am not in agreement that the 51% of women who live alone have given up on love. I think that this is more a representation of society accepting different roles for women as well as women viewing different options for themselves.
John Warburg on January 9, 2008, 5:09 PM
While I agree that society is more accepting of singlehood and women have more options (both good), I think the fundamental reason for the increasing levels of separation is selfishness. We live in a day and age (at least in the West) where people are conditioned to put their own needs and feelings first and seem increasingly unable to compromise or show real consideration for others.
John Warburg on January 9, 2008, 10:09 PM
While I agree that society is more accepting of singlehood and women have more options (both good), I think the fundamental reason for the increasing levels of separation is selfishness. We live in a day and age (at least in the West) where people are conditioned to put their own needs and feelings first and seem increasingly unable to compromise or show real consideration for others.
Barry Albin on January 20, 2008, 7:19 AM
Marriage is not about love. Marriage is about relationship and contract. Love is an ephemeral concept that is tied up in lust and sex. We need to return to a view of marriage that says that marriage is for the procreation of children, is dissoluble only by the man, and you can get your jollies where ever you can find them as long as that basic agreement of procreation and companionship is not broken.
Barry Albin on January 20, 2008, 7:19 AM
Marriage is not about love. Marriage is about relationship and contract. Love is an ephemeral concept that is tied up in lust and sex. We need to return to a view of marriage that says that marriage is for the procreation of children, is dissoluble only by the man, and you can get your jollies where ever you can find them as long as that basic agreement of procreation and companionship is not broken.
Barry Albin on January 20, 2008, 12:19 PM
Marriage is not about love. Marriage is about relationship and contract. Love is an ephemeral concept that is tied up in lust and sex. We need to return to a view of marriage that says that marriage is for the procreation of children, is dissoluble only by the man, and you can get your jollies where ever you can find them as long as that basic agreement of procreation and companionship is not broken.
Barry Albin on January 20, 2008, 12:19 PM
Marriage is not about love. Marriage is about relationship and contract. Love is an ephemeral concept that is tied up in lust and sex. We need to return to a view of marriage that says that marriage is for the procreation of children, is dissoluble only by the man, and you can get your jollies where ever you can find them as long as that basic agreement of procreation and companionship is not broken.
Donnie Coleman on January 28, 2008, 5:42 AM
Gelen may have a point: it seems like we're looking to tradition and ideals to solve problems, but the problems and conditions we face are harsher than, say, 40 years ago and cannot be solved in the old way.
Donnie Coleman on January 28, 2008, 10:42 AM
Gelen may have a point: it seems like we’re looking to tradition and ideals to solve problems, but the problems and conditions we face are harsher than, say, 40 years ago and cannot be solved in the old way.
Jacoline Loewen on February 23, 2008, 6:52 AM
Each marriage is unique but it is influenced by the surrounding culture, religious views and what society values or allows.
America has the pile up of broken marriages because divorce is now acceptable but there were as many unhappy homes before society %u2018allowed%u2019 divorce. With TV shows to help illustrate how to work together as a family, husbands and wives have more of a chance to learn how to find the joy in being together over a lifetime. They can come to a compromise over how they want their marriage to look and define what they want to be together as compared to living alone. Watching Shalom in the Home with my teenage sons is such a help because they get to try out different attitudes and see the consequences. Hopefully, it will help them in defining how they want their marraiges to look and work.
Jacoline Loewen on February 23, 2008, 11:52 AM
Each marriage is unique but it is influenced by the surrounding culture, religious views and what society values or allows.
America has the pile up of broken marriages because divorce is now acceptable but there were as many unhappy homes before society %u2018allowed%u2019 divorce. With TV shows to help illustrate how to work together as a family, husbands and wives have more of a chance to learn how to find the joy in being together over a lifetime. They can come to a compromise over how they want their marriage to look and define what they want to be together as compared to living alone. Watching Shalom in the Home with my teenage sons is such a help because they get to try out different attitudes and see the consequences. Hopefully, it will help them in defining how they want their marraiges to look and work.
Edward C on February 27, 2008, 2:35 PM
I don't blame the women for wanting to be alone. Most 'men' these days have the thinking capacity of a worm with a beer belly.
And whats with all this online dating crap, just take Salsa/Ballroom dancing lessons for a year and go out dancing!
Edward C on February 27, 2008, 7:35 PM
I don’t blame the women for wanting to be alone. Most ‘men’ these days have the thinking capacity of a worm with a beer belly.
And whats with all this online dating crap, just take Salsa/Ballroom dancing lessons for a year and go out dancing!
Melinda Elliott on March 23, 2008, 5:10 AM
We are all aware of the high divorce rate but we are not shocked by it. We understand it…even those who have not been married. We know friends and family members who have been divorced. I'd like to see the statistic on how many familiy members or friends no long speak to each other. I'd say the number is at least equal to if not highter than the number of failed marriages. Relationships across the board are failing. Not just the marital ones. So it's no surprise to see 51% of them divorced. Somehow, I think if we could sustain familial & platonic relationships, we might just see the divorce rate decline.
Melinda Elliott on March 23, 2008, 9:10 AM
We are all aware of the high divorce rate but we are not shocked by it. We understand it…even those who have not been married. We know friends and family members who have been divorced. I’d like to see the statistic on how many familiy members or friends no long speak to each other. I’d say the number is at least equal to if not highter than the number of failed marriages. Relationships across the board are failing. Not just the marital ones. So it’s no surprise to see 51% of them divorced. Somehow, I think if we could sustain familial & platonic relationships, we might just see the divorce rate decline.
Jenna Valleriani on March 25, 2008, 4:20 PM
I agree, people are less willing to stay in relationships that they are unhappy in- less willing to fight through the ups and downs. Instead, divorce is a much more viable option.
Jenna Valleriani on March 25, 2008, 8:20 PM
I agree, people are less willing to stay in relationships that they are unhappy in- less willing to fight through the ups and downs. Instead, divorce is a much more viable option.
Malcolm McGugan on July 22, 2008, 12:43 PM
Strange thing to devote your life to fighting. Plenty of marriages are lousy and divorce is the best thing that could happen.
Woody Allen: "My parents never got divorced, tho I begged them to."
Malcolm McGugan on July 22, 2008, 4:43 PM
Strange thing to devote your life to fighting. Plenty of marriages are lousy and divorce is the best thing that could happen.
Woody Allen: “My parents never got divorced, tho I begged them to.”
Jane Schlubach on August 27, 2008, 4:30 AM
Curious that he says women who live alone have given up on life. Is, then, a woman's life enlivened solely by her attachment to a man?
Jane Schlubach on August 27, 2008, 8:30 AM
Curious that he says women who live alone have given up on life. Is, then, a woman’s life enlivened solely by her attachment to a man?
Tom Strayer on December 9, 2008, 9:04 PM
Some of you surprise me with your comments. Did no one take into account that he is very biased in his thought process on love and marriage. First take not that all of his example are of women making mistakes and even a woman not being a good person. Does this not ring a bell in anyone’s mind? His focus is on a book about love. The bible. Does anything believe that a book that carries little influence into today’s society on matters such as love? Here is some food for thought. By the way I am a male.
Scott McKenna on December 24, 2008, 3:08 AM
In my humble opinion, I see a lot of comments that are, to borrow the figure of speech, “missing the forest for the trees.”
At least as I took what the Rabbi had to say, the things he had to say about: (1) 51% of women living alone; and (2) the counseling excerpt he related with regard to a married woman . . . were merely EXAMPLES he was using for illustrative purposes. That’s all.
I don’t think it was intended to be a negative commentary on women or a biased commentary at all.
I think the truly “bigger picture” he’s trying to get at is that there are a lot of loveless (or passion-less) marriages out there . . . and people can choose (other than just bailing out): (1) to try to rectify the problem by going back in time mentally to discern what changed; or (2) to choose to be as positive as they can be, irrespective of expecting a “quid pro quo” in return.
I thought what the Rabbi had to say was very thought-provoking and demonstrated a great depth of thinking about a complicated topic.
I think it is a serious (and foolish) error for a person to take what is merely an EXAMPLE and allow a sense of being offended about that example to obscure the broader message.
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