The institution of marriage hasn’t had a good go of it of late. Not only is the gay marriage debate sparking animosity, but straight marriage has also been the victim of several recent screeds. The general argument is that in this age of sexual equality when a wife no longer must rely on a husband for her lifestyle, a series of dramatic yet life-affirming love affairs may be ultimately more fulfilling than a long, yet typically flaccid, companionate marriage.
Today in Slate, Aaron Traister provides a rare defense of the walk down the aisle. Previous marriage critics include The Atlantic’s Sandra Tsing Loh and Cristina Nehring in her book A Vindication of Love.
On Big Think, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach and Rick Warren make their own arguments for traditional marriage.
Discuss
Laura Corogenes on July 17, 2009, 12:51 PM
After reading the articles referred to above as well as listening to the 2 clergy comments, I have several thoughts I could express and may express at some point in time. In this space, I will focus on just one.
Much to my daily surprise, I’ve been a married woman for over 33 years. I never entertained thoughts of weddings and marriage, until I found myself in the midst of both. I stumbled upon the institution and have been extremely lucky that it has worked out well so far. Don’t get me wrong there have been days, weeks and even months in the last 33 years when I look at the stranger next to me and think “What the hell have I done?” I am positive he would say the same thing. But overall out of the 12,114 days I’ve been a married woman, my guess is that about 11,000 of those days make the hell endured the other 1,114 days well worth the effort.
I am not going to say marriage is for everyone. Nor will I say that once married, couples are bound to spend the rest of their lives together. I agree with the old adage that it should be far more difficult to get married and far easier to get divorced. I am certain that if the pre-marriage process was prolonged, more intense and more extensive, there would be far fewer divorces to worry about.
What I am going to say is any discussion about marriage being “just a fad” or obsolete is both faddish and doomed to obsolescence.
Humans are relational creatures. We are born into the most intense relationship each of us ever endures, our relationship with the woman who gave us life. In many ways, it is all downhill from there. Life is tough and often ugly. We need all the help we can get just to survive from one day to the next.
My point is, it is the relationships that get us through life. That make it bearable. So any relationship that works, that empowers, that brings pleasure and contentment to the parties involved is a positive. It is the relationship that counts, not the label applied to it. If one human finds another human they want to spend time with, someone they respect, someone they care for, it is a valuable relationship. It doesn’t matter what you label it, if there was a ceremony, the sex, race or religious affiliation of the two parties involved or how long it lasts, it is a good thing.
Some people, and to my surprise I have found I am one, feel more comfortable in a formalized relationship. One where expectations are expressed, negotiations take place and a formal commitment is made. I believe going through the formalized commitment of marriage makes my relationship with my spouse better than the relationship we would have if we had not taken the marriage step. There is absolutely no doubt that my husband and I love each other dearly, but sometimes we hate each others guts. Our relationship is cyclical, at certain times passionate and at certain times not so much; at certain times incredibly intense and fullfilling and at other times bereft of warmth or joy.
All of this might be true if we never married. But there have been times when our relationship was ugly, our outlook was bleak where both of us thought about walking away. If it was easy to do so, we might have walked. Thankfully, nothing is more frightening to us than lawyers. And the trouble and work it would take to get divorced seemed overwhelming. So we stayed, pushed through it and came out better because of it. As hurtful and as painful as memories of certain marital experiences are, coming out together on the other side is an amazingly rewarding and passionate experience.
I think there will always be marriage in some form. People like to stake their claim on their property. And as politically incorrect as it sounds, two people in a relationship do become proprietary of the other. People want to say – “This is mine. No matter how god-awful the rest of my life is, no matter how little control I have over my destiny, no matter how insignificant I feel, this marriage and this spouse are mine.” Hopefully they can also say – “This is mine. This is what makes my life wonderful. This is how I chart my destiny. This is my greatest support. This marriage and this spouse are mine.”
If it doesn’t work for you, fine. Find what does and run with it. But don’t label it as obsolete or faddish. As long as marriage works for one couple on the face of the earth, then it has value.
jagannath rao adukuri on August 3, 2009, 6:15 AM
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