A wondrous lie a sweet deception appeared to me at once quite clear
The passion, beauty, and the cold, the very essence of our souls
The vision seemed at first so clear, I for a moment thought it real
A truth so pleasant to behold, I quickly felt empowered, bold
And as these thoughts my head did fill I felt it all love, hatred, fear
A grand illusion truly so, threes more to me then just this fleshy mold
But as the end to this drew near, my mind again was all too clear
These images that seemed alive, now waning pictures in my eyes
And as I let them drift away I felt no love, nor fear, nor hate
They disappeared despite my cries, and now they truly seem but lies
Threes no remorse, for that its late, without them is a milder fate
I shall not miss these severed ties, just watch my essence as it dies
And as the embers lose their glow, one would presume I felt a cold
But I was neither warm nor cold, I simply was, or so was told.
Tell me what you guys think, i know its a bit repetative. I just threw it tigather before going to sleep, felt a bit of inspiration. Please be critical if you think its terrible let me know. Its a shakespearin sonnet by the way, with 2 ryming schemes.
Discuss
Musycks on May 12, 2008, 6:06 PM
nice work S44… I liked it. It’s simplicity is it’s strength in this case.
It can have more impact sometimes by being delivered in a slightly ‘naive’ voice, not overly complex rhyming schemes and meter..
so you have something that falls between Dr Suess and Shelley!..
a lovely little one from years ago it kind of brought to mind (I forget the author?)
‘Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
I wish that man would go away’
small note about the spelling of ‘there’ which is twice rendered as three?
Nice work and yes, we probably should widen our Big T horizons!
sciencesaves on May 12, 2008, 7:37 PM
S44, That is really good! You made that up? I have very little experience writing prose, but I see that musycks likes it, and that is a true compliment. He is an accomplished songwriter, and quite the wordsmith, so I say, more power to your pen, my friend!
ps pokoj and I had a little crazy going in the “science/medicine-biology”, if you would like a chuckle, “Is pooping overrated?”
Jesse Akers on May 12, 2008, 9:43 PM
yes the threes in there almost had me going that you were talking trinity….
did you really believe what you have written?
“theres more to me than this fleshly mold”
…and did that really fade away?
" shall not miss these severed ties, just watch my essence as it dies"
Also are you speaking as an outside observer as you watch this essence die?
i m glad to read this coming from you… you had me going that you were all Robotic Ukrainian HUME-anoid
poems dont have to rhyme-but for some reason a lot of times they do- is this true for other languages? …and does this mean anything as far as language goes>?
pokój! on May 12, 2008, 10:16 PM
Loved it, thank you for sharing…
I though of two Radiohead songs off of “Hail to the Thief:” 2 2=5, and The Gloaming
(2 2=5 is subtitled “the lukewarm” and this is not only why I thought of the song, nor am I saying that it inspired your poem, I just thought of the lyrics, particularly:
Are you such a dreamer
To put the world to rights?
I stay home forever
Where two and two always makes a five
I’ll lay down the tracks
Sandbag and hide
January has April’s showers
And two and two always makes a five
It’s the devil’s way now
There is no way out
You can scream and you can shout
It is too late now
Because
You have not been
Paying attention
and from “The Gloaming:”
Genie let out of the bottle
It is now the witching hour
Genie let out of the bottle
It is now the witching hour
Murderers, you’re murderers
We are not the same as you
Genie let out of the bottle
Funny how, funny how
When the walls bend, when the walls bend
With your breathing, with your breathing
When the walls bend, when the walls bend
With your breathing, with your breathing
With your breathing
They will suck you down to the other side [x4]
To the shadows blue and red, shadows blue and red
Your alarm bells, your alarm bells
Shadows blue and red, shadows blue and red
Your alarm bells, your alarm bells
They should be ringing [x12]
This is the gloaming
Denys Artasevych on May 12, 2008, 11:20 PM
Thank you for the kind words.
musycks
I think the simple clear message, and the shakespearian style balance each other well.
Wow how the three thing happened i have no idea, probably typed a bit to quikly so the r came before e both times.
And if you have some poetry of your own that you would like to post i would love to read it, SS aserts that you are quite good.
SS
Yes i made it up, just a quik burst of creativity, a was reading some Carl Jung and felt a suden burst of creativity, so i wiped that up in a few min. I should have taken more time to polish out all the repeating words.
Jesse
Yes, i do feel what i have written. No it can never completly fade away, we are all human. I did not mean to portray myself as an outsider looking at the process, though it may have sounded that way in that line.
All russian ans Ukranian poems i have read, and written usually have a ryming scheme of some kind. But by no means is ryme nessisary, you can have beautifull poetry with no ryme. But for me personally i look at the meaning as the nutritious value, and the rhyme as the flavor of the poem. I would say with language just like with other art, anything goes.
Jesse Akers on May 13, 2008, 1:51 PM
i was just wondering if a language experts in here knew if poetry in other langueges held to the same ideal of ryhming and how probable is it that words that we use to communicate should rhyme with the relativley large number of languages
linguistics is interesting
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