Bloggers, as most know, are exceptionally lazy people. Mostly, we sit around in our underwear playing flash games. Only occasionally do we get off the sofa to whip off some poorly thought-out screed in a cheeto-fueled rage. Naturally we like to save ourselves the trouble of actually working by simply copying what people on Twitter have to say. It’s called “fair use.” Because buried among seemingly endless tweets about bacon, unicorns, and bodily functions, there is some valuable social commentary. For the holidays I’ve selected some of the year’s cleverest tweets, mostly taken from favstar.fm and the book Twitter Wit. Today, we’re covering domestic issues.
@joeschmitt: Is there a colored ribbon we can all wear that will make the economic crisis go away? You know, like we did to defeat terrorism and AIDS.
@badbanana: 14.9 million Americans are now unemployed. That’s a lot of new blogs.
@secretsquirrel: It’s a little-known fact that the unemployed have over 200 words for daytime TV.
@badbanana: I have spent a lifetime refusing to own crappy GM vehicles and my reward is to own the entire crappy company?
@badbanana: Okay, stock market. Now that you’re back to 9000, I’m taking off my spiked shoulder pads. Don’t make me look stupid.
@ian_wright: Yes. In the UK we do have a socialist health system—particularly if you define “socialist” as not letting people die because they are poor.
@sween: For the record, many countries spell certain English words differently. For example, we spell “health care” as “a basic human right.”
@aedison: I’m catching up on German history and just got to the part where Hitler introduces sweeping health care reform. Chilling.
@gruber: Under ObamaCare, everyone who believes ObamaCare is a Nazi-esque program will be covered for mental health treatment.
@pourmecoffee: If the GOP forces health care bill to be read aloud, I hope the Dems get William Shatner to do it.
@avi1111: Maybe Obama should just say, “OK fine, everyone with IQs under 70, no healthcare.”
@slag_mag: The numbers are in and health care just works better when mostly rich, white people are covered.
@tehawesome: If you get to call opposing abortion being “pro-life,” then I get to call opposing stem cell research being “pro-cancer.”
@lukeinvan: My wife and kids are getting the H1N1 vaccine so I’m out picking up shotgun shells in case they “turn.”
@FakeAPStylebook: U.S. Constitution—Formerly the nation’s founding document, now refers to whatever you want it to be.
@ccsteff: Oh come on, guys. Everyone knows the Constitution is only relevant when it comes to owning guns and not wanting to help poor people.
@joeschmitt: Maybe we’ve been going about this all wrong. Maybe we should put straight marriage on a referendum and see what happens.
@gruber: Gay marriage opponents include Giuliani and Gingrich, who between the two of them have been married six times. But: not yet to each other.
@katefeetie: Maine continues to take drastic steps to deny its same-sex feelings for New Hampshire. Shh, shh, Maine. Just let it happen.