You Got Dumped. Turn to Sociology, Not Psychology
You have been dumped because of the conditions of modernity.
Eva Illouz is a cultural sociologist at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. In her new book, Why Love Hurts, she argues that while love has always had the capacity to hurt, since the advent of modernity it has hurt in new ways as so much more of ourselves is invested in the choice of a partner. And in recent years that choice has expanded exponentially with the emergence of internet dating.
You just got dumped. It’s not because something is missing or lacking in your personality or in your beauty or in who you are, which is what many, many people seem to think, especially women. They interpret back the experience of being dumped as pointing to a deficiency in their self.
Don’t even try to work on your self-esteem. Don’t try to generate from within your sense of value, which is what many psychologists would advise you to do. I would say you have been dumped because in conditions of modernity, choice of partners has become such an intrinsic aspect of relationships that the desire to maximize your choice, improve on it, or the difficulty of committing to one single object once you perceive it as being just one among many becomes much more difficult.
Take the much-discussed rise of the divorce rate in the population over 50. This is a new phenomenon over the last ten years. Many more people after the age of 50 divorce than in the past. Why? I have a hypothesis. My hypothesis is the Internet. Internet dating sites are making people aware that they have much more choice.
Usually people at the age of 50 have very stable social networks. And they have a sense that they cannot meet many more new people. So this might dissuade them from divorcing. But Internet dating sites completely transform that perception of choice. They now feel they have choice. And therefore they tend to divorce much more because the perception of choice changes.
So I would say there is nothing wrong with you. It has all to do with the endless sexual and romantic choices that we’re faced with and in which, as I show my book, men have an advantage over women in that objective condition of choice.
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