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Social anxiety: How to rewire your confidence
If you want to avoid conversation dead ends, remember to "turn" the conversation more than you "take it," says entrepreneur and author Andrew Horn.
- 60% of us are shy or socially anxious. But one mental exercise can change that statistic, says Andrew Horn.
- Learn the metamorphic two-step: It's a hypnosis mental technique that can help you name and tame your social anxiety.
- Awareness of your conversation dynamics can stop small talk from reaching an awkward dead end. Don't switch topics when the flow stalls; instead, go deeper and learn to "turn" a conversation, rather than just "take".
Andrew Horn: One of the most important aspects of meaningful conversation is listening. If you're asking important questions and not listening, you're not having a conversation at all; you are giving a soliloquy. So one of the easiest ways that we can practice active listening and avoid a conversation dead-end is to make sure that we are "turning" the conversation more than we're "taking" it.
So I'll give you a quick example. So my sister just comes back from Thailand and she says, "I had amazing trip. We went to the north and the beaches in the south." So here's what a "take" would sound like: it's like, "Oh I went to Thailand last year. We went to the beaches too." So do you see what you just did? You just directed that thing right into a dead-end, and now it's going to stop. So what a "turn" looks like is you get to say, "Oh wow I went to the beaches as well! What was your favorite part?" And so that simple turn shows them two things: that you heard what they said and that you care enough to ask a follow-up question. And I promise you that the best conversationalists always turn the conversation more than they take it. Because often times what happens is that it's not our first question that is going to get the answer or the depth that we desire, so if we commit to turning the conversation back three and four times we're going to peel off those layers and get more depth out of our conversations. So always remember turn the conversation more than you take it, and you're going to avoid those conversation dead ends.
When we move past asking better questions we move into the "metamorphic two-step". And this is all about presence. And presence is so important in conversation. You've all said this before, "She has such presence." "He has such presence." Presence is that embodied existence in the moment, it's when you're only responding and reacting to what's happening right now. There's no story from the past, there's no fear of the future, and it's a magical thing when we can create that in conversation. And one of the easiest ways to do that is something called the metamorphic two-step. And the metamorphic two-step is actually a hypnosis technique that will help you to identify how you want to feel in social situations. So I learned this from my friend Andrew who is a hypnotherapist here in New York City, he works with a lot of the Fortune 500 brands, the quickest growing startups. And basically what he talks about with some of these leaders is he helps them to identify where they have anxiety in their leadership roles and helps them to overcome that and really achieve peak performance. And so when I first met him, I said, "Okay so how would you use hypnosis to alleviate something like a social anxiety?" And so what he would tell me is he'd say, "Okay, so what I want you to do is think about a social situation where you might have some anxiety." And I would say, "Okay I'm going into a big tech conference with a bunch of really influential people and I might be nervous." And he'd say, "Articulate the undesired state of being. What is that?" And so I'd say, "I'm worried that I won't have anything to say, I'm worried that they won't think that I'm high up enough to actually care about what I'm going to say, I'm not going to add value."
And he'd say, "Great. Just by actually articulating the undesired state, you are naming it, and you're taming it. You're going to be more aware when those undesired states manifest and that's the first step." And so he said, "Step two is that you have to articulate the desired state of being." And our brains are really good at telling us what is going to go wrong in social situations because it wants to keep us safe; it wants people to like us. And this traces all the way back to caveman days where we were much more tribal, and if we were ostracized by the group we were going to get kicked out of the group and then it was a literal death sentence. And so our brain is still responding with that type of intensity to social ostracization. And so articulate the desired state of being.
One of the most common symptoms of starting out or being early in our career is shyness, is just these feelings of being intimidated, feeling unworthy. And we never talk about shyness because there's a taboo and we feel shame about it. Well guess what? The American Psychological Review just put out a study a couple of years ago, and they found out that 60 percent of all people identify as struggling with shyness or social anxiety. 60 percent! So if you struggle with that kind of intimidation, if you've had that self-critical internal dialogue you are in the majority, and so you need to be easy on yourself and say that those feelings are natural and they're ubiquitous. Everyone has those.
And so when we have those feelings we should notice that most times when we have that kind of intimidation factor, we feel unworthy, we're comparing ourselves to others, we're looking at other people and saying "Oh wow they're so much smarter than I am," or "Oh wow I'm never going to be that good." And so comparison is the thief of joy. If we're constantly comparing ourselves with other people we're not going to be able to enjoy the process, and it's going to be very hard to maintain the effort and energy that it takes to be really good at something. So what's more important, what's more effective to focus our energy on is what we want to be really good at and comparing ourselves with who we were yesterday.
If all we do is focus our attention on being better than we were the day before, we can live that process for the rest of our life. Because again, knowing who you are, what you care about and what you want to be is something that you'll keep defining for the rest of your life. But if you keep committing yourself to actually progressing, to getting better and if you can look at yourself a couple of years ago, a week ago, a couple of days ago and say, "Hey I'm smarter, I'm better, I'm learning," there's going to be fulfillment in that.
Educators and administrators must build new supports for faculty and student success in a world where the classroom might become virtual in the blink of an eye.
- If you or someone you know is attending school remotely, you are more than likely learning through emergency remote instruction, which is not the same as online learning, write Rich DeMillo and Steve Harmon.
- Education institutions must properly define and understand the difference between a course that is designed from inception to be taught in an online format and a course that has been rapidly converted to be offered to remote students.
- In a future involving more online instruction than any of us ever imagined, it will be crucial to meticulously design factors like learner navigation, interactive recordings, feedback loops, exams and office hours in order to maximize learning potential within the virtual environment.
A leading British space scientist thinks there is life under the ice sheets of Europa.
- A British scientist named Professor Monica Grady recently came out in support of extraterrestrial life on Europa.
- Europa, the sixth largest moon in the solar system, may have favorable conditions for life under its miles of ice.
- The moon is one of Jupiter's 79.
Neil deGrasse Tyson wants to go ice fishing on Europa<div class="rm-shortcode" data-media_id="GLGsRX7e" data-player_id="FvQKszTI" data-rm-shortcode-id="f4790eb8f0515e036b24c4195299df28"> <div id="botr_GLGsRX7e_FvQKszTI_div" class="jwplayer-media" data-jwplayer-video-src="https://content.jwplatform.com/players/GLGsRX7e-FvQKszTI.js"> <img src="https://cdn.jwplayer.com/thumbs/GLGsRX7e-1920.jpg" class="jwplayer-media-preview" /> </div> <script src="https://content.jwplatform.com/players/GLGsRX7e-FvQKszTI.js"></script> </div>
Water Vapor Above Europa’s Surface Deteced for First Time<span style="display:block;position:relative;padding-top:56.25%;" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="9c4abc8473e1b89170cc8941beeb1f2d"><iframe type="lazy-iframe" data-runner-src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/WQ-E1lnSOzc?rel=0" width="100%" height="auto" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" style="position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;"></iframe></span>
New study shows white dwarf stars create an essential component of life.
- White dwarf stars create carbon atoms in the Milky Way galaxy, shows new study.
- Carbon is an essential component of life.
- White dwarfs make carbon in their hot insides before the stars die.
What Are White Dwarf Stars?<span style="display:block;position:relative;padding-top:56.25%;" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="7b046e546ce994682b2553a8c978eb32"><iframe type="lazy-iframe" data-runner-src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/77a1KSxfaR0?rel=0" width="100%" height="auto" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" style="position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;"></iframe></span>
Master negotiator Chris Voss breaks down how to get what you want during negotiations.
- Former FBI negotiator Chris Voss explains how forced empathy is a powerful negotiating tactic.
- The key is starting a sentence with "What" or "How," causing the other person to look at the situation through your eyes.
- What appears to signal weakness is turned into a strength when using this tactic.
3 Tips on Negotiations, with FBI Negotiator Chris Voss | Best of '16 | Big Think<span style="display:block;position:relative;padding-top:56.25%;" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="b86d518e9f0c9f9d7a7c686e07798152"><iframe type="lazy-iframe" data-runner-src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/-FLlBchonwM?rel=0" width="100%" height="auto" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" style="position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;"></iframe></span><p>This question forces a response, but—and this is key—the other person has to consider your side of the argument. They have to look at the situation from your perspective if they hope to offer a solution.</p><p>Offering a real-world example, Voss mentions coaching a high-end real estate agent. They were leasing an expensive home in the Hollywood Hills. The first time the negotiators asked the "how" question, the leasing agent relented on a number of terms. A little while later, they asked again. This time, the agent said, "If you want the house you're going to have to do it," signaling that the end of negotiations had been reached. </p><p>Voss says that "how" is not the only word that works. "What" is also a powerful entry into negotiations, such as "What am I supposed to do?" Again, you're forcing the other person to empathize. </p><p>This is a particularly tricky skill during a time when most conversations are online. Nuance is impossible without the immediacy of pantomimes and vocal fluctuations. Whataboutism is too easy an escape. </p>
Aikido Morihei Ueshiba (1883 - 1969, standing, centre left), founder of the Japanese martial art of aikido, demonstrating his art with a follower, at the opening ceremony of the newly-opened aikido headquarters, Hombu Dojo, in Shinjuku, Tokyo, 1967.
(Photo by Keystone/Hulton Archive/Getty Images)<p>Online debates often amount to little more than frustrated individuals pulling out their hair. In his book, "Against Empathy," Yale psychology professor Paul Bloom writes that effective altruists are able to focus on what really matters in everyday life.</p><p>For example, he compares politics to sports. Rooting for your favorite team isn't based in rationality. If you're a Red Sox fan, Yankees stats don't matter. You just want to destroy them. This, he believes, is how most people treat politics. "They don't care about truth because, for them, it's not really about truth."</p><p>Bloom writes that if his son believed our ancestors rode dinosaurs, it would horrify him, but "I can't think of a view that matters less for everyday life." We have to strive for rationality when the stakes are high. When involved in real decision-making processes that will affect their life, people are better able to express ideas and make arguments, and are more receptive to opposing ideas. </p><p>Because we "become inured to problems that seem unrelenting," it's imperative to make the problem seem immediate. As Voss says, giving the other side "the illusion of control" is one way of accomplishing this, as it forces them to take action. When people feel out of control, negotiations are impossible. People dig their heels in and refuse to budge. </p><p>What seems to be weakness is actually a strength. To borrow another martial arts metaphor, negotiations are like aikido: using your opponent's force against them while also protecting them from injury. Forcing empathy is one way to accomplish this task. You may get more than you ask for without the other side ever realizing they surrendered anything.</p><p>--</p><p><em>Stay in touch with Derek on <a href="http://www.twitter.com/derekberes" target="_blank">Twitter</a>, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/DerekBeresdotcom" target="_blank">Facebook</a> and <a href="https://derekberes.substack.com/" target="_blank">Substack</a>. His next book is</em> "<em>Hero's Dose: The Case For Psychedelics in Ritual and Therapy."</em></p>