Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness an experiment in action. But this is not quite the experiment you might expect. This is a test for my good friend HerbieP from the Faith-Beliefs section of this board. It's important to note that none other than him should respond, but all of you are welcome to respond so long as the questions are answered appropriately.
You are a single man, living out a bachelors life. After years of education it's finally time to unwind and see what you've been missing out on in life, so you plop down on the couch after reading one day to watch some news. More murders on the news, East Philadelphia just got hit with what looks like the biggest murder rap of the year. Former football player T.J. Simsford just got arrested for butchering his wife, and it doesn't look good for him at all.
Suddenly the reporter informs you that it's time for a commercial break. Free dates, just text "LOVE" to 66677 for matchmaking to begin! Ironically, you look over at the empty spot next to you and get up from the couch to make some dinner. Upon opening the fridge, a foul odor begins to creep out to your nostrils. Milk?...No...Not the cheese, either...The Magi-Whip! You open the lid to find a creature sleeping inside, or at least until you opened the lid. Frightened, it burrows into the Magi-Whip to hide itself. Frightened yourself by its presence, you put the lid back on and throw it against the wall. Magi-Whip is now all over the wall, awaiting the gentle caress of a cleaning rag.
You clean it up, and return to the TV unsuccessfull in your search for dinner. Amazingly, the text ad returns. You begin to think to yourself about actually texting "Oh, how bad can it be?". So you text, and almost immediately the automated response machine sends out a welcoming text, writing about how happy they are for your service. Then they ask you to register and fill out your information. You do this, and set the phone to vibrate, expecting the onslaught of inevitable return texts. You are too busy watching your favourite TV program to care anymore.
To your immense surprise, 11 years of school has done nothing for you in terms of chick-magnetism. You move your eyebrows, as you described in your personal description, and continue to sit and stare for a while. Finally, a text comes through. A match has been made! Excitedly, you read the profile attached to the text to try to find out who this mystery woman is. Brown hair, 5'11", glasses for reading...So far so good! So you text her back and start chatting. Apparently she is another intellectual like yourself! Thank you, CNN!
Finally, after a few days of fun chatter back and forth, she asks if you'd like to meet sometime, perhaps at a coffee bar on Friday, which is in 2 days from current time. She says bring a friend, and she'll do the same. So you call up Matty, your best friend from University. He says that sounds like an awesome idea, and notes that he'd been wondering what you'd been masturbating to since University. You inform him that she wants to meet at Jacobs Brown Beans on the main strip of town at 1:00, and he says that he can postpone his lunch till 12:45 so it's all good.
Finally, Friday comes. You drive with stars in your eyes, driving across the horizon to the coffee shop. A cop sees you whiz by at 16 above the limit but sees the cellphone in your hand. Fucking CNN.
You park the car, and enter the coffee shop. Matty has already arrived, surprisingly 10 minutes early. He looks back as you walk in, and he waves, along with Kathy, your mystery date, and her friend. You formally introduce yourself as Herb, and she introduces you to her friend as Jodie. You exchange smiles and glances from time to time but you don't pay any real heed to her as your date is stirring up a conversation about Globalization and local politics. Not your topic of favourite interest, you go with the best argument you can, to keep it interesting. She smiles at you wryly, not really grasping what you mean. When you break it down, she nods slightly, apparently pondering what you said. Matty finally breaks the silence with a knock knock joke, and you all laugh.
So the coffee is done, and you need to refresh. You visit the washroom, which is pristine and yet somewhat unclean for a reason you can't pinpoint exactly. The smell may have something to do with it. You urinate, taking a sharp breath as you pass a small stone, and wash your hands. It seems that renegade strand of hair is at it again, so with wet hands you gently brush it back with your fingers to mesh with the rest.
You walk out, and find that Kathy and Matty are leaning over the table rather close to each other. She looks at you, and then back at him smiling as Jodie gets up from the table. Matty looks back at you, and does that cocked gun thing he's always doing, apparently for no reason. As you approach, you try to alleviate your immediate concern by making a joke about how much they look like they're going to kiss. Matty laughs, and Kathy explains that they already have, many times in fact since he was in the washroom.
As you stare blankly into her eyes, Matty grabs your attention by pointing out the window. You look out, and the world literally falls away from the rest of the store, leaving only blackness and the store itself, apparently self propagating energy. Stunned, you look around and find that the patrons and customers in the store are all staring at you. Suddenly, they point their fingers out the window in unison, and as you look out there is a heart floating in midair. It says "Herb" above the door on it's front, and as you look at Matty one final time, he nods for you to walk out and peer through the seeing glass.
You slowly walk out to the heart, your own beating in unison the one in front of you. As you peer into the seeing glass on the door, you see Matty and Kathy fornicating on a bed, with a globe on the end table beside it and a calendar, apparently from 3 years ago. You turn around, and Matty and Kathy are still drinking coffee, laughing and smiling into each others eyes. You remember Kathy now, though never meeting her. You remember how crappy Matty seemed to talk about her, sweet as she seemed to be for him. Jesus pops into your head for a brief moment, and as he does so Matty looks over, not smiling anymore but a solemn expression on his face. You remember a couple years back he mentioned finding this cool religion that actually went out and helped people with their problems in life, and as you do so, Jesus seems to look at you with a solemn stare. You suddenly realize that this is Judgment Day.
Your thoughts at this very moment, if you can make this real for a brief moment, are needed to complete the experiment.