Love, Love, Love, that is the soul of genius.~ Mozart.
So I was reminded by my good friend Keegan, awhile back, that probably one of the most socially inept moments Ive ever experienced in my life was a statement I made to my ex-girlfriend, DeAnna, that said I know I loved you because I look up the meaning in Oxfords dictionary and the bible. As he and everyone else knows who is reading this you cant define Love from a book. You have to feel Love, and when it is there you just know. But what if you know wrong?
My daughters mother I knew I was supposed to be with her when I was, however, when we found out we couldnt Love each other, then she got pregnant, and I went through Loves hell. I never can speculate as to if she did or did not Love me (my guess is she didnt but who knows) However, I know I Loved her. I Loved what we couldve had, I Loved what we did have, and then I Loved when she stopped tormenting me and left. I Loved her so much that when I couldnt Love her anymore, I said I never Loved her. A common defense mechanism that works.
I only had to resort to that following one other separation of Love and that was Tevis. She was my first live in girlfriend and I was sure we were going to be together forever. Then being that I was 18 and she was 17 reality hits you and knocks you on your ass, and you realize, you, must know I, to know I Love, anything. And for us at those ages we didnt have a full grasp on that whole I part.
Before that, I Loved two women romantically enough to where they changed me. I often write that I lost my innocence from fighting and gangs but I will never forget the real moment. I was alone on my couch and Crissy just couldnt put up with my paranoia (I did have a right to be paranoid because she was hooking up with someone else, lllooonnnggg story that is irrelevant to the topic of Love) She stated we were through and she wasnt going to take me back from the last time I dumped her. A black cloud seemed to overcome my body in the dark of night to where its blackness was so oppressive it stood out from the night as black. I didnt know how I was going to wake up in the morning, much less function if I did.
Through childhood development, research has found that all people learn themselves through their family first, which is influenced from societal norms, then we go out to our peers full of what we think everyone is only to be taught differently. I was always taught Love conquers all and when I Loved Crissy and it didnt work I no longer wanted to believe in any thing I thought was self-evident, when one is cynical and wondering about everything they know, that is the loss of innocence because innocence is happy and free of the doubt that pervades the adult.
Jessica Winters A Love that I cant ever comprehend. It has no meaning rhyme or logic. It shouldve ended as a childhood crush. We never shared anything that would make me think she ever remotely felt any Love towards me like I did her but I know I did and dare say, do, still Love her none-the-less.
I mean seriously, I dont Love to be Loved in return. I get enough Love in my life to be conscious and happy if I dont get my Love reciprocated. I dont see Love as a toy that needs to be traded for equal value. I dont Love with the need that you even like me. I Love because I care and know something about you that is so special I would recognize it if you were homeless and destitute.
One isnt what ones standing in life is, One is what one will be in the presence of pure Love, light, where some that are lepers in this world will be kings in the next and some that are kings will be like lepers. I dont care what you can give me for my Love, and I dont Love to possess you in any way shape or form, you, dont want me to possess.
I Love because I know I and knowing I, I can see you clearly without my own hidden thoughts or egocentricities because I am aware of those and look at you as another whole, like myself, whoever I Love. Two halves that are looking to complete each other are maligned atrocities that are easily torn apart. Only two wholes can Love and respect each the way Love is meant.
I Loved two women that I hope to never profane with simple lust. I Love Shera Paglinawan with a pure Love that goes back for years since we were little middle school kids. I Love Shera in a way that I would die for her. I would protect her and I would always be there for her in any way my dull ass can. I Love Shera not to own her, or have her Love me the same but to Love with the pure joy of appreciation of another. I Love her not because she does this or that. I Love her because she is Shera, nothing more nothing less, and she does make me so proud and honored to know I have someone like her to always Love.
I Love Tamara Domnitz. I Love her for her passion her strength, her talents, her genius, (even though she would want me to not put her on too high a pedestal). But I do Love her and would also die for her and do anything I could for her in any way shape or form. Both Shera and Tamara have boyfriends. I dont want to be their boyfriend I dont want to pressure them or ever make them uncomfortable, but they have now and always will teach me Love.
My questions to anyone who is reading this is why? Why do we get all defensive about Love? Why do we try to define it and pigeonhole it? Why the anger of you cant say you Love me if we dont stay together for some arbitrarily amount of time? Why not just Love unabashedly, honestly and openly. Why not Love forever the moments you spend with your Lover and lose the concept of this or that rule for it to be true or untrue Love? Why think that because this new Love is so intense the past Love must not be Love? Why get rid of those beautiful emotions you shared with a previous Lover because a new Lover feels great? Isnt it sufficient to your new Love, that feeling of Love, why would one want to feel that the one they Love has never Loved another like them?
I hope the next woman I Love has Loved often. I hope she Loves the fact she can remember and know the Lovers she had. I need her to be happy with her past Loves and know that validating those great moments doesnt make it less likely we wont share our own. But rather by validating those dark recesses of pain that Love unfulfilled creates, and in not giving in to the temptation of making previous Love, just pain, but rather recognizing that pain is growth she has conquered Love and with that can truly Love, and yes DeAnna and anyone else I say it to I do Love you.
I am beginning a new Love. She is smart, witty and beautiful. I will not take her for granted and hope I don't let her down with my introverted ways. You are wonderful Mrs. Amazing ;>.
And this is just some types of romantic Love one could talk forever of Love and family but I just want to say, not tonight ! What are your thoughts on Love my friends from bigthink?